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Original poster

To be concerned over DD's weight gain?

246 replies

chillijam23 · 24/09/2024 10:20

DD is 19 and just gone back to uni to start 2nd year. Before going to uni last summer she was generally a size 14. She came back home for the summer having obviously gained quite a lot of weight, and now mostly wearing size 20, and even a couple of things in a 22.

I'm concerned about it. Its quite obviously a lot of weight, and she isnt tall which doesnt help. That said i appreciate she is an adult now and it is her body and it isn't something that i would bring up with her unless it was absolutely unavoidable (because of her health etc). She seems exactly the same in herself as she always was, happy and outgoing, getting dressed up to go out with her friends, so i don't really have a concern from that angle.

However it came up in conversation between me and DH over the weekend, and he seemed to think i was totally unreasonable to be concerned about it. His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned. I do agree its probably typical for people to put on weight when they go living away at uni, but the amount DD has seems to be excessive.

To be clear i haven't said a word to DD about it and don't intend to in the immediate future, but surely i'm not being unreasonable to have some concern over it?

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 26/09/2024 08:20

Why not just gently nudge her to investigate Pcos or thyroid with her GP? Rule out the medical stuff first.

Yes yes I know she is an adult.

WhiteWineSupernova · 26/09/2024 08:15

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/09/2024 23:02

I'm not surprised you don't feel any better. Why is he not facing up to this? Sounds rather like your DD may be the apple who hasn't fallen far from his tree if she's also acting like things are normal.

By contrast to 21st century advice, many moons ago when I returned home from my 1st year at uni, my mother greeted me with "you look like you've been bumped up by a bicycle pump!" I laugh about it now but OMG the message hit home. I cut back on food immediately (I also worked 3 part time jobs that summer so very busy) and by the end of the summer, I had dropped 2 stone and was back to my pre-uni weight. My "bike pump" weight was actually less than your DD weighed when she first started at uni and I'm 5'9. My mother's approach was brutal but effective.

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Brutal but effective might have worked for you, but in another person might push them the other way into binge eating - it's not some kind of modern weakness to care about someone's emotional wellbeing.

And fat shaming isn't effective for most people - studies into this have shown it more often leads to weight gain than weight loss. So it might work for some people, but for the majority it will have the opposite effect to what you intend.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-49714697.amp

Calliopespa · 26/09/2024 08:09

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/09/2024 23:02

I'm not surprised you don't feel any better. Why is he not facing up to this? Sounds rather like your DD may be the apple who hasn't fallen far from his tree if she's also acting like things are normal.

By contrast to 21st century advice, many moons ago when I returned home from my 1st year at uni, my mother greeted me with "you look like you've been bumped up by a bicycle pump!" I laugh about it now but OMG the message hit home. I cut back on food immediately (I also worked 3 part time jobs that summer so very busy) and by the end of the summer, I had dropped 2 stone and was back to my pre-uni weight. My "bike pump" weight was actually less than your DD weighed when she first started at uni and I'm 5'9. My mother's approach was brutal but effective.

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It’s also known as shaming. Shaming can be effective - very in fact, in terms of manipulating people into you want them to do.

It’s just these days we try to avoid the fallout in other areas of that approach.

I mean kicking puppies works at first too. They tend to stop what they are doing.

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/09/2024 23:02

chillijam23 · 25/09/2024 21:05

Spoke to DH again about this tonight...he did apologise for making out like i was ridiculous, but hes definitely in denial about it. He said he didnt think she was 'that big' and when i pointed out her fitness levels etc with the sponsored walk, he said it wasn't a surprise because she won't have been exercising at uni.

Not sure its made me feel any better having the chat tbh

I'm not surprised you don't feel any better. Why is he not facing up to this? Sounds rather like your DD may be the apple who hasn't fallen far from his tree if she's also acting like things are normal.

By contrast to 21st century advice, many moons ago when I returned home from my 1st year at uni, my mother greeted me with "you look like you've been bumped up by a bicycle pump!" I laugh about it now but OMG the message hit home. I cut back on food immediately (I also worked 3 part time jobs that summer so very busy) and by the end of the summer, I had dropped 2 stone and was back to my pre-uni weight. My "bike pump" weight was actually less than your DD weighed when she first started at uni and I'm 5'9. My mother's approach was brutal but effective.

Original poster
chillijam23 · 25/09/2024 21:05

Spoke to DH again about this tonight...he did apologise for making out like i was ridiculous, but hes definitely in denial about it. He said he didnt think she was 'that big' and when i pointed out her fitness levels etc with the sponsored walk, he said it wasn't a surprise because she won't have been exercising at uni.

Not sure its made me feel any better having the chat tbh

OP posts:
Fontofallknowledge23 · 25/09/2024 18:07

I actually had a serious eating disorder at uni and was unusual coming home a stone lighter. I was very unwell. My friends however put on alot of weight from drinking. You are right to be a bit concerned however no need to say anything sge will know too well. My mum pointed out my weight loss which only served to spur me on. Terrible. Nothing said I’d 100 percent best as you say. She will be totally fine.

anyoneforcustard · 25/09/2024 11:50

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Original poster
chillijam23 · 25/09/2024 09:43

Sorry just catching up on everything thanks for your messages.

I honestly wouldnt say i think shes struggling with anxiety or anything, i can't say i've noticed anything different in her character since last year. Obviously there is something going on with weight gain like that, possibly binging.

I'm hoping she'll go back to uni for this year like other people have said and realise enough is enough and start to lose the weight.

I'm also going to have another talk with DH tonight about the whole thing because his attitude has really annoyed me tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
chillijam23 · 25/09/2024 09:34

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I don't think a week's holiday is really the root of the problem but yes point taken.

She's fairly close with her sister. Her sister has said something to me about it, that shes shocked at how much weight shes put on, but not that shes spoken to her about it.

No she doesnt work at uni.

Marriage with DH is generally good, thats why i was surprised at his reaction. I dont know if its just a bit head in the sand with him tbh.

OP posts:
loropianalover · 24/09/2024 16:21

Rosewaterblue · 24/09/2024 16:07

Maybe she is anxious.

I would have asked if she is eating healthy, is everything ok with university, drinking enough water, does she need help/support with anything?

Size 14 to 20 is a lot.

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What do you mean? ‘Maybe she is anxious’ she is still eating too many cals? That’s how you gain weight.

Rosewaterblue · 24/09/2024 16:07

CagneyAndLazy · 24/09/2024 15:52

There is no other way to put on weight!

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Maybe she is anxious.

I would have asked if she is eating healthy, is everything ok with university, drinking enough water, does she need help/support with anything?

Size 14 to 20 is a lot.

CagneyAndLazy · 24/09/2024 15:52

Bestyearever2024 · 24/09/2024 11:48

She's also quite a big snacker so she'd quite often come in from the corner shop over the summer with crisps, chocolate, biscuits etc

Are you assuming that she's put on weight because she's eating too many calories?

There is no other way to put on weight!

rainfallpurevividcat · 24/09/2024 15:48

0b11110110110 · 24/09/2024 14:19

You are five inches taller. That makes a big difference.

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Than the OP's daughter, yes, but not the poster I was actually addressing with that remark.

anyoneforcustard · 24/09/2024 15:31

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Calliopespa · 24/09/2024 15:28

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Oh please! You’ve really got the bit between your teeth trying to vilify this guy haven’t you! Not everyone would aporoach this your way. It doesn’t make him wrong.

I personally wouldn’t create a storm round it either. I would wait for my opportunity to support dd when she reaches out - which will come op now you are aware having seen her again.

anyoneforcustard · 24/09/2024 15:23

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anyoneforcustard · 24/09/2024 15:22

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Original poster
chillijam23 · 24/09/2024 15:20

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Definitely more than the rest of the family, especially other DD and me (DH eats a lot but hes tall and active). I'd say probably more than last year but wasnt really noticing so much then.

I don't know whether he's noticed it or not or whether hes just ignoring it. He told me he didn't think i should worry.

OP posts:
BillySnuz · 24/09/2024 15:18

His view was that everyone puts on weight in uni and that there's no reason for me to be concerned.

Um, no they don’t. I never did and neither did any of my friends.

Rewis · 24/09/2024 15:18

Weight being such a taboo subject is a very British thing. In nearly every other culture, they simply say if they're worried about someone gaining weight. Because it's spoken about openly, people are less emotional about it.
I really don't think this is true. Yeah, in some Asian cultures it is socially acceptable to pat someone else's stomach and call them fat but I have seen locals be offended by it. Also I'm not British and I can tell that I know a few culture where people are very emotional about their weight.

anyoneforcustard · 24/09/2024 15:17

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Ilovelifeverymuch · 24/09/2024 15:15

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She may be an adult but she is still her daughter. I don't get this mumsnet narrative of never having any difficult conversations with your children. Having sometimes difficult conversations doesn't mean you don't love each other or you stop being family.

user1492757084 · 24/09/2024 15:15

Your daughter will probably lose the weight next year.
Commend her for coping well away from home and, in the mean time, ask her permission to borrow some of her old clothing sitting home in her wardrobe.

0b11110110110 · 24/09/2024 15:13

How do you know that she knows she has gained weight? Sometimes people don't realize it or realize how bad it is

That was like me. In my head I was slim, because I had always been slim. It was after seeing some photos taken on a Med holiday that the penny finally dropped.

Original poster
chillijam23 · 24/09/2024 15:12

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We went to spain on an all inclusive, she did eat quite a lot, and drink too. She was in the pool a lot yes and not covered up, she was wearing two-piece swimsuits.

I guess he would've done when we were on days out etc and there was walking involved, or when my sister brought her DD and she was playing in the garden with her. I certainly noticed it then

OP posts: