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Original poster

To think these messaged are unfair

233 replies

Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 22:49

I'm away with work (from Sat to Tues). I have two young kids at home with DH (their dad)

I've organised a family friend to come over Monday and Tuesday mornings to help get them dropped off to school so H can get to work on time (he could manage it timing wise but it would be tight)

H is showing zero interest in what I'm up to even though this event is big for my career. He doesnt pick up or any any questions

But he is sending me the odd message about how upset my 3 year old is and how much he misses me. He messaged "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know. I'm trying to help but he wants you" and then going silent.

I can't leave early. I don't want to leave early.

H will say he's just telling me what's going in at home but I feel he's being unfair. I feel guilt reading these messages

Am I being unreasonable to think he should keep it to himself? I'll be home tomorrow!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2024 00:04

ilovesooty · 23/09/2024 23:42

He's not just a Grade A shit. He's a gaslighting Grade A shit. I'd be seriously reconsidering my future with a man like that.

Show quote history

I absolutely agree. I'm sorry to say this, but you chose poorly when you chose to marry this man and have kids with him. I will bet my house that there were fields full of read flags that you overlooked, and now that he's expected to actually be an adult, they are waving in full view.

Op, you have outgrown him, and I bet the blinders have been lifted. Keep progressing in your career because this relationship is not going to make it. You cannot stay married to a man who has contempt for you due to his own shortcomings.

Original poster
Overwhelmed79 · 24/09/2024 00:02

I literally cannot imagine messaging any of those suggestions back, but I'm enjoying them all the same!

Honestly I do think it's unfair to talk me how distraught DS is. He's nearly 4. He is family attached to me and 3 nights is longest I've done but I was feeling bad enough already!

OP posts:
wheretoyougonow · 24/09/2024 00:00

He is being a shit. He's emotionally blackmailing you.

I would be tempted to text back:
' I'm concerned that you are having difficulty settling the children without me there. I think it would benefit you all to have more quality time together this doesn't happen again. Will sort out some dates when I'm back'

Peachy2005 · 23/09/2024 23:53

Message him back that you’re going to resign and be a SAHM and he can be the main breadwinner as the kids are so upset. See if he replies to that, the prick!!

WhichEllie · 23/09/2024 23:50

So he wants a mummy to provide for him and is resentful when he has to participate in parenting his children?

What is the point of him then?

DadJoke · 23/09/2024 23:50

it’s weaponised incompetence. He clearly needs to spend a lot more time doing childcare, and you need to spend more time away.

betterangels · 23/09/2024 23:43

These men are so fucking predictable. Bet the manchild enjoys the money you bring home.

Imagine being this insecure and pathetic as a grown man. I would lose attraction instantly.

ilovesooty · 23/09/2024 23:42

Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 23:38

He didn't ask me to ask my friend to help - he just seemed resentful or I felt guilty - so I did it.

It's weird because he makes me feel guilty, but then if I try to talk to him and say "you make me feel guilty" - he will tell me I've made that feeling up in my head.

He's not just a Grade A shit. He's a gaslighting Grade A shit. I'd be seriously reconsidering my future with a man like that.

whynotwhatknot · 23/09/2024 23:41

youre entitle to ffeel how you want how dare he

NiftyKoala · 23/09/2024 23:40

I would send a message to him that this needs to stop. You need to do what you need to do for your career which benefits the family. Do not let him make you feel guilty. It is such a gender thing. If it was him away you would not be ridiculously trying to upset him you would simply take cate of the children and your job and be happy to see him after the trip was done.

Original poster
Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 23:38

He didn't ask me to ask my friend to help - he just seemed resentful or I felt guilty - so I did it.

It's weird because he makes me feel guilty, but then if I try to talk to him and say "you make me feel guilty" - he will tell me I've made that feeling up in my head.

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 23/09/2024 23:36

Ugh I hate men like this, how can you have any faith in him if he can't manage his own children alone for a few days? It's pathetic.

whynotwhatknot · 23/09/2024 23:33

sounds like guilt tripping to me-youre the higher earner but still ddoing all the mental work

telling him what lothes to put on your kids getting in extra help? he sounds pathetic

sprigatito · 23/09/2024 23:25

He's emotionally blackmailing you because he resents the fact that you have things to do other than cater to him and the children. Deep down he believes your place is at home, not pursuing your career. I don't say LTB at the drop of a hat, but I don't think I could live with a misogynist. It would turn my stomach.

Thunderpants88 · 23/09/2024 23:25

I’d go one further.

“I have been invited to stay an extra day at the conference as a few interesting clients want to take me out for a meal and to chat. This will be good for your relationship with the boys as I plan to do this more often so you will have to figure out how to comfort them-as their Father.

big hugs and see you Wednesday”

VerityUnreasonble · 23/09/2024 23:22

When you get back tell him you've been thinking about his messages and it's a worry how upset the DC seemed, they obviously aren't used to him looking after them alone if they "just want you". You know he is capable and they are fine, so they must just need more practice to feel comfortable. So, you've planned a few weekends away / trips to help build their confidence.

Then go have some lovely trips, with friends or alone. Write no lists. Keep doing it until the messages read "DC doing great".

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/09/2024 23:22

'That's a bit worrying that he's so upset, being looked after by you. When I get back we should probably make sure that you spend more 1 on 1 time with him, so he can get used to it so it goes a lot better for both of you next time I'm away'

Original poster
Overwhelmed79 · 23/09/2024 23:21

I just don't know what I'm supposed to say to "DS is crying for you".

I said "ah poor DS. Give him a kiss from me"

And now H is ignoring me.

I guess he wasn't happy with my response.

He makes me feel so bad. But I know I should be able to go to work. I'm the main earner. H wants me to make more money! I can't be in two places at once!

OP posts:
Messen · 23/09/2024 23:19

So he has female handmaidens and paid child carers coming in to do the female work while you are away and he is still not happy? Yack.

bettbburg · 23/09/2024 23:16

He's pathetic. Lists and a friend coming over to help ? He needs to grow up and learn how to be an adult and a parent.

Derwent01 · 23/09/2024 23:13

@Overwhelmed79 Why did your dh have children if he didnt want to parent them ?

FictionalCharacter · 23/09/2024 23:11

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2024 22:57

You should be absolutely raging over this. Your husband is acting like a giant fucking man baby, deliberately trying to make you feel guilty and essentially punishing you for forcing him to be a parent. It's absolutely ridiculous that your friend is coming over to help him, btw. He's not a toddler.

You should shut this down immediately. How fucking DARE he. You would never do this to him, I'm sure.

Yep. He's punishing you because you dare to have a career and make him look after his OWN CHILD for a few days, and trying to make sure you won't do it again.

ilovesooty · 23/09/2024 23:10

He sounds like a manipulative grade A shit to me, and an inadequate man who's totally unsupportive of your career and disrespectful of you as a human being.

Alalalala · 23/09/2024 23:08

He’s being a selfish, whinging, boring, sexist dickhead. Sorry OP. Stay at your event, celebrate your ambition and achievements, and never let him impinge on them.

SD1978 · 23/09/2024 23:06

He's being an arse and trying to ruin your conference, because he's having to pick up some slack, whilst still having you take care of the details. He's a little man who can't be pleased for you, and wants you to feel miserable, whilst he's doing the bare fucking minimum as a parent.