To think these messaged are unfair

Oh god yes. This every time. It really irritates my OH too. He’s been pretty scathing both about and to some of his friends complaining how hard it is to manage if their wife or girlfriend is away for a weekend. It is harder on your own but it’s not harder for a dad than for a mum.

He's sulking obviously he doesn't want you working away if he's not happy with your career or working tell him you can be a stay at home mum but we will have no money up to you if you wanna work alot longer otherwise don't make me feel guilty and when he denies it tell him you r not stupid. Tye silent thing js he's sulking he knows what he js doing

So just as a contrast for you. I’m also in the situation where I’m currently the higher earner now but 9 years ago when my kids were little my OH was the higher earner

When our kids were between 10 months and 3 and a half/2 and 5 I was away with work regularly for anything from 3 to 12 days. I was probably gone for up to 25% of the year. It was a lot.

While I was away he did all the drop offs and pick ups and eventually after school clubs as they got bigger. He cooked their tea, did all the bedtimes etc and went to work and basically had no time for anything else. He always said everything was grand if I called. He even said that one morning I spoke to him after eldest had spent the night throwing up all over her bed and he’d had to change it and give her a bath twice in middle of the night then take the day off with her. He told me about his challenging night juggling her being sick and the little one waking up when I got back. He said there was no point mentioning she’d been sick and how crappy a night he’d had while I was away as I’d just have stressed about it and not been able to do anything. It wasn’t like she was so ill I needed to come back.

It’s a real issue. Even in my generally good workplace I lost count of how many people asked who was looking after the kids when we were travelling. No on ever, ever asked the guys with kids of similar ages. It’s normalised to expect mums to be the carer and a lot of men feel like they are doing you a favour when they parent. Shut it down and make it clear (nicely by all means) that he needs to figure out how to manage alone when you have work travel. You will support him where possible but he also needs to support you. You are a team and he needs to get onboard with that regardless of how misogynist society’s general views may be.

Don't rage over this - you'll waste valuable time enjoying yourself. Simply ignore it (maybe you should 'lose' your charger etc) and avoid rising to the bait - because that's what it is. A great big dose of bait to wind you up and try and get you back as soon as possible and looking after everyone (including the large adult man child).

You are not painting a good picture of your husband. He seems to think you are Wonder Woman - is the lycra chaffing yet???

"I'm trying to help but he wants you" - what does he mean he is trying to help....trying..... he is parenting, by himself, he should be ashamed that he can't manage them for a few days when you are off furthering your career for the families benefit and it sounds like he will be riling the kids up about it rather than saying, "Mummy sends her love and misses you but we can have some fun without her".

Personally I wouldn't say anything whilst you are away, it will add further stress which is playing right into his hands.

Wait for a calm child free moment after you have settled back in at home and know the fullness of what has happened in your absence.

Start by recognizing his struggles. You might say, “I understand that parenting can be really tough, especially when I’m not around.”

Express your feelings when you get the type of messages he sent you. Share how you feel without blaming. For example, “I feel concerned when I hear that you find it difficult and that you imply you hold me responsible as I am working away.”

Offer him support: Let him know you’re there to help. “Let’s work together to find ways to make parenting easier for both of us.” Maybe express concern that he doesn't seem to be able to cope when the kids get upset you are not there and maybe he needs to spend more 1 to 1 time with them. Perhaps tell him you occasionally have the same issue but as you are the main caregiver its not as stressful for them and so if he spent more 1 to 1 time with them, they may not be as upset when you are away. Explain how you tried to make it as easy as possible for him by having others take some of the responsibilities and so its not as if he had the full normal load.

Emphasize the importance of talking openly. “I want us to be able to talk about these challenges without feeling blamed or criticized.” explaining the wording of his texts weren't those you would expect from a supportive husband. He should have said, the kids are missing you but we are doing OK and are looking forward to seeing you home when what you actually got was "DS will not be happy you're staying until Tuesday. He's very upset you know". That is neither loving or supporting - and at best, it is very thoughtless. Do not let him gaslight you.

If this fails, try marriage counselling. Good Luck.

urgh, his behaviour is at the least so unattractive and abusive at the worst.

Having a pout because he's having to pick up some of the slack whilst you are at work. Poor diddums. Shoe on other foot, he'd be having a go at you if you tried the emotional blackmail shit.

Some of these replies are v funny and maybe you should send one similar to make him sit up and see that you're fucked off with his attitude to parenting HIS OWN CHILDREN but at the end of the day, this is your family/your relationship so it's down to you how you manage it.

But I really do think he needs a rocket up his arse to make him see how upset he's made you. Shame you have to do it but there we are. Another man-baby.

I'm take the view he is trying to guilt trip you. You are right, he is being unfair.
When I went away when the kids were toddlers dh was more than capable of looking after them and the house.
Not once has dh made me feel bad for going away ,whether it was for work or leisure even when ds2 broke his collar bone when he was 10 and I was in Spain with my mates ( sports accident) I was told to enjoy my last two days, ds was OK and dh was taking time off work and I could take over when I got back.
Dh did get offers of help from 'concerned ' mums in the playground and a lot of sympathetic looks. He didn't need them!
Your dh sounds like an arse.

Wasn’t sure if this was coercive control but it is guilt tripping & gaslighting still forms of emotional abuse. Found this.
https://psychcentral.com/health/guilt-trip

Pretty much what I was about to say! Do not give in to this manipulative crap op. I just noticed you are the main earner too. I too was married to an inadequate man who resented me for his own short comings - it was fucking miserable.

If you aren't afraid of him OP, then what ARE you afraid of?
Because something is stopping you delivering a few home truths. Do you generally walk on eggshells trying to keep him sweet?
In your shoes I'd be more afraid of having my DC turned against me and turning into mini versions of their dad. And I'd stop that happening by kicking the rubbish out. On current form you wouldn't have to worry about him having them for fifty fifty, he really doesn't want to parent. And even that worst case would give you half the week when they don't have him dropping poison in their ears.

@Overwhelmed79

"I'm not afraid of him. Just telling him some of the things suggsted wouldn't be anything I felt comfortable saying."

But WHY. And do you understand why that's a really big issue in your marriage?

My DH notices this when I work away. He gets offers of help and sympathetic looks.

Nobody has ever offered to help me when DH is away.

Another thing I've noticed is when I'm away people will always ask me who is looking after our child. DH has never been asked this, ever.

Your Husband is a dick. I would be furious with mine if he behaved this way.

I've have just got back from a work trip to Asia, I was away for 10 days. DH rearranged work stuff to accommodate and when he needed help HE organised it with family and friends. Which is what I do when he works away.

I got lots of pics of them having 'boys nights' or just having fun.

He didn't try to guilt trip me at all, which is how it should be. In fact, he encouraged me to stay an extra day for some down time as the place I was visiting is a hot, tourist destination and he suggested a beach day before travelling home.

With every update he just sounds worse and worse.

OP, this is no way to live. You can do better than this.

I'm so sorry OP. I don't know what to say that would be helpful, but I have experienced this exact situation when I have been away for work, down to the "having a jolly chatting shit with everyone" like I was on holiday. One memorable time I was talking at a big conference - it's the biggest thing I've done in my career and was a prestigious thing in my industry - and he kept sending me audio recordings of my then 3 year old crying for me. I relate to the contempt point.

I don't know if this is helpful but what changed for me was telling other people so that it wasn't some weird bullying he did to me alone, and enlisting help. He hated our parents acting like he couldn't look after his own children so buckled up his ideas and three years on this shit doesn't fly anymore.

Perfect

@Overwhelmed79 remind him that when he was away you chatted with him about his stuff rather than guilt-trip him. On second thoughts, just leave him, don’t waste any more time. You and the kids will be better off. Your kids don’t need a selfish example to learn from.

🤣🤣🤣 "Can he learn to shit money, perhaps?" 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Made me spray my tea!
OP, I can't add to the good advice already given. Don't take the bait - this is where the advice: tell the offender how they're making you feel, is counterproductive. Breezy till you get home. Think out the points you want to make, then (away from the children) lift him out of it without losing your cool or becoming emotional. If he wants you to earn more, be at home more and coddle him more, something will have to be jettisoned, and currently it sounds like it should be him. 💐

'Death by a thousand cuts.'

His comments, disregard, contempt, and lack of care for you, will slice at your self esteem and self worth over time.

Respect, care, trust are worth far more than love, IMO.

Don't stay with the prick for the children, if this is the case.

IME, the younger they are, the easier it is for them to adapt to separated parents compared with adolescents or teens.

I don't understand why he needs a friend to come and help? There's a Dad at school that had to do the childcare for one week, whilst his wife was at a conference.

His wife left meals for him, everyone was making a fuss saying how wonderful he was, he was commenting how hard it was and getting sympathy... I just walked away. I, and lots of other Mums, juggle full time and the child care burden... It's madness, it's 2024!

And make sure you take a little gift back for your dcs, give them massive hugs and tell them how much you missed them and you'd much prefer to be with them but this is important for mummy's job.
I'm sure you'll probably do that anyway but if he's making the dcs feel insecure about you then he really is a shitty father as well as a shitty husband.

Remember @Overwhelmed79 that your dh is supposed to be your biggest supporter.
If he’s not then there’s something very wrong in your relationship.
I suspect it’s him.
Do you want to live your life with someone who can't be pleased for you, can’t be considerate towards you, can’t parent his dc without a fuss?
I couldn’t and I wouldn’t.
He may say he loves you but he doesn’t like you much and he certainly doesn’t cherish you.

He's a manipulative unhappy arse. He's trying to ruin the event for you.
Your only response should be "I miss them too but I trust you to take care of them"

My husband would have done it when the kids were small but fuck knows what I’d have come home to. The house would have been a tip but he’d have thought he’d “done the housework”. Fuck knows what the boys would have been dressed in but he’d be proud that it’d all gone smoothly

He sounds awful. He's trying to make it so hard for you that you don't do this again. But you have to. If he going to be a slack dad and talk shit about you to your kids, I would arrange they stay with grandparents next time. No, it's not fair, no it's not equal parenting but I think he has proved his inadequacy and his toxic behaviour and I would not trust him. However, it should not stop you in enjoying and progressing your career.