To think these messaged are unfair

Your husband is being unfair. Try to ignore the comments. Of course your children will miss you when you are away but that is no reason not to go especially if it will further your career and thus help the family in the long run.

I can't tell you how happy it makes me that it's 2024, you've posted here @Overwhelmed79, and dozens of women have told you straight how it is and what he's doing, and you can make an informed choice about how to react now.

My kids are grown up now but when they were young I was in your shoes - being guilt-tripped, gaslighted and emotionally blackmailed into giving up a career that was intended to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads, and - irony of ironies - I was hoping would enable my XH to give up his own hated career and pursue his creative dreams. It was all tough enough without also being made to feel so guilty for everything I was doing for the family, and, I now know, being announced the loser day after day in a parenting beauty contest I didn't even know I was entered into.

I wasted years being the family handmaiden and became massively deskilled professionally, my children mostly fell for the competitive parenting and it's an uphill struggle to counteract that now they're adults, and the relationship tanked anyway, mainly because I got so I couldn't look at him without snarling. I will never forgive him for the years of covert warfare. I'm retraining now, but I wish so much I hadn't made the mistake of handing over so much of my agency. It cost me so much financially, professionally, health-wise and in my relationships.

I hope you make better choices than me. You've done well to identify his manipulativeness while you're in the midst of it, which is difficult under stress. Don't be scared to call him out on his behaviour. You've got so much more to lose if you don't.

Perfect!

Next time he mocks your job respond with 'me taking nonsense for hours is what pays the rent'

He’s an arse. Don’t let him guilt you when you’re working. He’s a parent and he has to pick up the slack, as you would if the roles were reversed. I would go as far as ignoring the messages and tell him straight to stop this behaviour. It isn’t in your head, it’s deliberate and he knows it at he’s trying to make it out to be your problem by trying to convince you that it’s in your head. This is gaslighting. Call him out on it and let him know you’re onto him. He can laugh all he wants but address this issue straight away and tell him it’s not acceptable. I’d even throw in some extra details and say you can’t message until later as you’ve been invited out for post work drinks. Leave the pig hanging.

When they start telling you you've made things up in your head that's a serious red flag!

Reply with a bright and breezy, “The more practice you get, the better it will go. I’d better go away more often so the kids get used to daddy time”.

Christ, why are you with this fucking prick?

OP he is awful. The WORST. Honestly I would never ever accept this. You deserve an equal partner, friend, someone who supports you and gives you a boost, someone who congratulates you on your wins. Not a spiteful, jealous, pathetic snivelling man child.

I reacted a different way that took the stuffing out of his whining.

'Yeah, I know, it's great that they pay me so well for this stuff, isn't it?'

'Can't knock the money, though'

'Essential part of the job, innit?'

'Until there's a job out there that pays as well without requiring me to go to these things, we're kind of stuck, really.'

I was also obviously using the time to stash away an emergency fund and goodwill/connections for the moment he stomped off and disappeared. When he finally did it, I had to find childcare at zero notice but with a backup of cold, hard cash to make it possible - but that way, I never had to rely upon him for working; I knew he was going to make a point of letting me down out of spite at some point, just not exactly when. Took the wind out of his sails when he found out that it didn't bother me at all because I'd already made my own arrangements.

He was very shocked the day he tried to bring DD back a week early with 14 minutes notice to find I really wasn't in the country, though. He'd known for three months by that point (as he was going on holiday and had demanded those dates as his 'entitlement' and I'd told him I'd be away, albeit I didn't buy the ticket until he'd picked her up in case he'd failed to show up altogether), but he didn't try that one again, either.

but she doesn't sound ready to leave him yet, so what should she do........fight fire with fire? Remember there are kids involved! Just leave without actually tackling it, I think the kids deserve more.

From the little she has said, you can't assume he is an abuser just yet, stupid, self centred yes, but not enough info to say its intentional abuse. He may just need enlightening or be terrible at communication.

You have told her to ignore my advice (fine, I am no expert) but not offered an alternative and that doesn't get her anywhere, she doesn't seem ready to walk away, so what do you recommend? At least my way she knows she has tackled it with him and had her say, he doesn't have to agree but he has a chance to chance if he wants to save the relationship.

Sorry - tried to change the quote as quoted the wrong person and it won't let me - this was in reply to @EuclidianGeometryFan

NRFT OP (p1 & your updates) but OMG he is being an arse and so unfair!

Make sure you keep developing your career and let him parent his own kids - you may need the income if you ever decide you’d rather leave and let him do 50/50

I agree with everyone else that he sounds diabolical. That said, I'd bet that the root of all this arseholishness is not entirely resentment at all the extra domestic work. It's more like a massive inferiority complex.

Some guys can't handle it that their wives are the breadwinners and the career-progressors. Your success makes him look bad, therefore it must be destroyed. According to his fucked-up emotional logic, taking you down a peg or two boosts him up.

And on top of that, the DCs love you more than they love him! How dare they! If he badmouths you to them (which he probably will), he's not only doing it to get at you. He also wants to break up the loving bond between you and the DCs, because it's something he hasn't got.

What an arsehole.

.

Tbh, when my husband is away on business I never ask about his work. It’s work. I don’t really ask about work normally - only if he looks stressed or has had an especially long day. I may ask what the hotel/place is like if it’s somewhere interesting (Miami or Singapore) but I do send him (very welcome) pictures of the dogs and the kids, who sometimes miss him.

Then ask him to tell you where you were, what you were doing and why.

Ask him what he did to facilitate any of it

Ha - perfect. The husband is being a guilt-tripping irresponsible dickhead

Another man with a large but fragile ego! Rather than realise his shortcomings and trying to work on them, he blames you for making him feel bad about himself. Been there!
And god forbid you try and bring it up with them, their poor little sensitivities can’t handle it

Are you at the labour party conference? Ignore him and hope it goes well. Yanbu

OP - if you are just waking up to the reality of your situation because of this thread, you will be in mild shock and will likely want to ignore it all, and forget it, and try to carry on as 'normal'.
That is understandable.

A word of warning though:
The longer this marriage continues, the worse the outcome will be.

The longer the children have to grow up observing this dysfunctional dynamic between their parents, the more likely they will be to end up in bad or abusive relationships themselves when they are adults, as they are not seeing a model of a good relationship.

Also, the longer the marriage, the more of your assets and income he will be able to claim, including the house that you pay for, plus a share of your pension. It may already too late to stop him taking 50% of everything you own and have earned.

He will threaten that he wants the children 50% of the time, to avoid having to pay maintenance to you. How likely is he to actually follow through on that, given that he can't manage them for a few days? Answer - zero chance.

@Overwhelmed79 also “of course they miss me but it’s a normal part of growing up and into independence”. The more I read the more annoyed I am on your behalf. Ugh.

This approach will fail - because as a minimum the DH is not mature enough for it, and possibly (likely) he is a full-blown emotional and financial abuser and user, who has absolutely no respect for OP as a human being.

Marriage counselling is not advised in a situation of abuse, because the abuser will never go into it in good faith; they can just twist the whole thing around and use the counselling as another means of abuse.

Just to give you a real life example of how this should look:

My DH is not the father of my children. They have a dad they see and stay overnight with weekly, but DH loves and supports us. I often go away for work, usually 4 days at a time, occasionally a full week, and once it was 2 weeks! DH looks after my children while I am away. They go to their dad's on their usual day, but he doesn't have them extra (I have obviously asked him to, but he won't. Incidentally - exH DOES send shitty messages about how the kids are behaving badly or moaning about how they just want me, etc...)

I don't tend to do extras to 'prepare' DH, beyond booking extra afterschool/breakfast clubs. DH lives with my children, takes an interest in their lives and so he knows their routines and clubs and PE days, what they like to eat, who their friends are, etc.

When I am away, he will just message me nice things! Problems get left til I come home. Problems he can deal with himself - he deals with himself. If a child particularly misses me, he will video call me so I can speak to them. He tells them nice things about me and about what I am up to. We always have a nice phone call chat in bed, usually only 2 minutes, but nice. I married DH when youngest was 6, and first started working away when they were 7 or 8, they are now 11. It isn't always smooth. My children can sometimes be slow to get ready, I think it can be a bit stressful to manage the mornings alone. But that would go for either one of us to be honest!

My career has really taken off since I married DH. I am now the main earner. I am really, really grateful to him, and usually buy his favourite chocolate as a thank you. Nothing grand or extravagant I know! But a little token to show him I appreciate his support.

So this is what it should look like. And this is from a man who isn't even my children's dad!! He just loves us. (Probably mainly me 😁, but I think he quite likes the kids too 😉)

It’s designed to make you feel guilty so you don’t do anything as selfish as go away for work and to further your career and burden him with his own children again.

What a manipulative prick.

You’re obviously used to his selfish manipulative tactics, even if you don’t realise it, because you arranged someone to help him look after his own kids out of former guilt he’s projected onto you.