To think these messaged are unfair

Do you mean you're stuck with him as a co-parent until the kids are adults, @Overwhelmed79? There's no reason why you have to be under the same roof for that. Protect your career because it's what will get you and your kids out. You sound closer to the edge than you perhaps realise and it would be better to plan a tactical withdrawal than just blow a gasket and walk out one day.

I hate that shit about having to have multiple rows about something that's obviously unacceptable. And the fact that an ultimatum magically makes change possible is even worse. I don't want to hate on all men, but it does seem to be common male behaviour.

Every word of this, OP.
Get some real life advice without DH knowing. Talk to a lawyer. His chances of actually wanting 50/50 are pretty low given his reaction to you being away.

He sounds dreadful OP.
I know you feel you are stuck with him, but I hope you can find someone with real knowledge and advice in real life who you could talk to and who could help you formulate another option, as it sounds like you are at the end of your tether. Dont let him scupper your career whatever you do. Build up support amongst friends and family or childminders to help you.

I don't think its true that you only want to hear the happy stuff. Bald messages of "DS is crying for you" followed by ignoring you, sound like they are aimed at making you feel as bad as possible. Messages about doing your job being "talking nonsense for hours" show complete contempt for the value of your career which keeps the family afloat and for your abilities.
I really felt for you OP in your last post. It is a hard choice to make but so is carrying on putting up with this attitude from him.
I get why it's difficult to challenge him, but I think it's worth it.
My first thought on reading his message about DS is crying was to keep it simple, yet challenging at the same time, "Oh dear! What can you do to cheer him up?" ( on the basis that he probably would balk at reading very long texts - plus the sheer exhaustion of trying to craft them)
I don't think his reaction is that normal. On the rare occasions when I was away, DH was a little bit competitive, spoiling them with lots of treats. He never got around to helping with homework etc but that was OK because I knew they missed me a bit but were happy, and I felt it was part of a team. You'd have to weigh up a continuation of not being part of a team, or having a supportive partner, against your fears of potentially uncooperative co-parenting - which may or may not happen. I think talking through with a counsellor/mediation person to work out if this is an attitude you can fix and ways to do that, or if its something you can't put up with, and ways to build up your alternative support networks would be helpful.

He is gaslighting you. Sounds like a manipulative shit head. He wants you to earn more money when you already earn more than him. What a fecking cheek, the lazy bastard. How can you earn more money if he won't even let you crack on in the career you already have?! I'd say LTB. Have it out with him when you get back and if the response from him isn't what you want to hear then defo LTB. It will only get worse. I feel for you OP.

Absolute nonsense, and you know it. Think you're on the wind-up.

You're being ridiculous! FFS! You want to know what's going on at home and he's telling you! But you only want the happy fun stuff - life isn't like that when one parent is away for 4 days. Especially with a 3 year old 4 days feels like a lifetime!
If this was a man complaining that his wife had told him that his child was missing him and complaining that his wife hadn't asked him what he was doing while she was singlehandedly looking after the children and working he'd be called a man-child, a baby, etc the wife certainly wouldn't be called manipulative!

I was married to someone like that. Been divorced and best ever.

As my EH was doing the same to sabotage my career. To play with my head and use my children in his emotional warfare against me. He wanted the luxury of 2 incomes yet hate I earned more, and hated he hd to actually PARENT as in his eyes, that is a woman's job.

He sabotaged job interviews, travel schedules. He knew I was travelling internationally for work, and the day before I had to leave, he had an 'emergency' meeting in another country which left me home with my child... and I eventually got re-structured out.

Maybe he is sulking s he actually hs to parent. He needs to deal with that. Or maybe he is jealous of your success, whihc is toxic as he will rope the kids in as flying monkeys to bring you down.

Would he really ask for 50:50 when he can't parent them alone for 5 minutes?

He sounds like a narcissist.

Is he being a great dad now, bitching and whining about having to look after his own children (with help) for 3 days and being a baby about you going away for work? What exactly would they miss out on, a dad who resents looking after them?

I know there's a school of thought that says better a shit present dad than no dad at all, but I'm not sure that always stacks up. It's not the woman's responsibility to stay with a shit man because if he leaves he won't bother with his kids.

"You've made that feeling up in your head'
What a pathetic, manipulative response! Sounds as if your children are coping better with your absence than he is.
It's perfectly natural for a child to miss mum. It's natural for mum to feel awkward about leaving them. But short separations are not unhealthy or unnatural. It's a part of life. Knowing that you are going away but coming home soon builds resilience and confidence.
Sounds as if DH has more growing up to do than the children.
Don't feel guilty, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

I agree with above poster, you will be able to make arrangements that don’t mean you have to give up your career.

how has he been since you got back home?

Or he sees them every other weekend and share holidays, or some other such arrangement, as is standard and far more likely than either of those options.

You're catastrophising as it makes it easier to put off doing what you know you need to do. This is perfectly normal and completely understandable. Just recognise that it’s what you’re doing.

Ugh. He sounds like a prick, and one of those men in whom becoming a father brings out the closet misogynist. My own dad was like this, he disparaged my mum's career and didn't want to do much hands on parenting. She ended up earning more and getting further in her career than he did and he resented her for it even after divorce. But funnily enough, he also didn't like it when he got saddled with a second wife who didn't want to work and he had to be sole breadwinner either.

In summary, a lot of men seem to be just a bit fucking pathetic, and this doesn't seem to change a great deal across the generations.

What positive things does he bring to the table OP? What's keeping you with him?

I think i’d be tempted to show him the responses on here! He’s behaving appallingly!

“You’ve made up the way I’ve made you feel in your head” That’s called gaslighting this man gives me the ick. Drop the deadweight girl seriously.

This is a very good response

He is an absolute AH but for goodness sake stop encouraging him by going on about feeling guilty. You gave him tge bullets by doing this!

I’m sorry that you have such an unsupportive partner. Only you can decide what you do about that, but your children are being moulded and shaped by the relationships they see.

My partner was happy for me to take jobs overseas for months at a time and said that he felt it was important that our children knew that both parents were equally capable of looking after a family. Boys should know that they have a responsibility to parent equally, and girls should know that they weren’t tied to the home as soon as they had children.

If you’re the main earner and the main carer and he either ghosts you or guilt trips you and gaslights you why don’t you just divorce him? He brings nothing but misery to your table

Oh dear, I'm sorry he's making you feel guilty for going away despite your best efforts to lighten the load for him while you're away.
I think you've probably got the message from other pp by now - raise your expectations of him. don't send in help for such a routine event etc etc.
It sounds like you need to have a good conversation with him once you're back about parenting and your relationship.
Good luck x