To be upset when people use personal crises as excuses for poor behaviour?

I do think personal crisis can be a reason for poor behaviour, but never an excuse. I'm guessing that's what you're getting at OP. There is no excuse for treating people poorly. A person who is struggling could cause unnecessary stress to another who is suffering too.

When I was sorting out the utilities after DH died I called our internet provider to notify them of his death, the person on the other end of the phone took all the details then tried to sell me a new package. I didn't swear at him but I was very blunt when I told him it was completely inappropriate, in easier times I wouldn't have been so blunt. There are only so many times you can say "My husband is dead..." before it breaks you especially when lots of big organisations don't listen well.

@twistingmymelons My profuse apologies! I am sincerely sorry. I had no idea that my post was supposed to be representative of your personal experience as such I wasn't aware that when applied to your story it would be unfitting. I'm so sorry - the context I was referencing though didn't write about explicitly i.e. when I lost my baby, was of course going sound idiotic in comparison to yours - I remember retreating into myself and not wanting to converse with anyone but you're right! That's just silly, I should have been more direct with the doctors, perhaps if I had I wouldn't have lost my baby. Next time what I'll do is send you a message before I post on any thread and ask if it is applicable specifically to you and if it isn't I'll refrain from posting. I wish Mumsent sent a notification of some sort that explicitly stated that we all need to cross-reference with your experiences first!

Completely depends on the context. If someone is saying I know I've treated you like shite (or am acting badly, or am about to do something horrible), but it's fine because my dad died, that's not OK. But if someone is acknowledging that they've treated you badly and/or that they're generally on edge or snappish right now, and giving some context of why - "sorry I snapped at you; I've been sleeping really badly as my dad just died and my whole family's in chaos over it", I'd try to be understanding and maybe not judge the bad behaviour for a little bit.

I think struggles make me kinder because who knows what the other person is going through?

However, it depends what you mean by poor behaviour. Some people have a very low bar for poor behaviour. If not stopping and talking because I need space is poor behaviour, I've been guilty.

I agree it irks me when people use stuff from long ago, particularly common place stuff eg my teenaged boyfriend always said it wasn't his fault he struggled with commitment cos his dad had walked out when he was a kid, but I think recent trauma can affect reactions and behaviour. Maybe it shouldn't but again there are degrees of trauma and people have different levels of coping

'I agree with you OP. When dealing with personal crisis I always seemed to withdraw into myself, not go looking for a person to release my sadness/anger/stress on. People who do this are aware of it too, it's interesting that they can be forgiven for being a bit short with the receptionist but oddly enough would manage to exchange a pleasantry with the CEO.'

What a silly post. My latest crisis - my son in ICU for a prolonged period, I'm afraid I couldn't 'retreat into myself'. I had to deal with many medical professionals and yes I was short on some occasions If they were not doing their job. I thought my son was going to die. I think smiling at a 'CEO' is a grossly idiotic thing to say I mean there is stress and then Stress.

I know what you mean, it's when people think that can literally do anything they want because they're wrapped up in their issue.

I was on the bus from the hospital once, standing room only and the bus swung around a corner and I lost my balance, it caused me to lean closer to a pushchair than I would have liked and the mother absolutely lost her shit with me. I mean screaming threats to the point other people on the bus got involved because they were worried for my safety, they knew it was clearly unintentional and I hadn't even touched the pushchair let alone the child. Maybe she had been to the hospital and had some bad news, maybe she was just like that as a person, I don't know. But she didn't know that I also had a major issue and was also on edge, but I didn't rise to her.

You never know what people are going through but it works both ways.

It's not an excuse but it can be an explanation. If you're reaching breaking point and feeling unable to cope, something small really can push you over the edge!

I do hate it when criminals in court blame everything on trauma in their lives and the judge is asked to take that into account. I actually think if it is going to be taken into account then the claims should be investigated and verified. I know someone who was in court on serious charges and blamed his offending on the death of his partner (he carried out the offences before she died) and on something else which was also definitely untrue. I couldn't believe it when I read his 'defense' in the paper!

YABU. Of course it depends on the crisis and the 'bad behaviour' but this year I've had parents with medical emergencies requiring me to drop everything and therefore be flakey with friends. I've had a hospital admission for myself meaning I've had to let people down.
There is only so much one person can manage.

No. Since becoming a single parent to a small baby seven years ago, struggling with my MH, homelessness, financial troubles etc etc - and finding that sometimes I simply do not have more to give the world, I’ve realized that you never know what someone is going through and to give everyone grace.

When I was in the absolute thick of my worst patch (single parent to a year old baby, recently separated, homeless, going back into work far sooner than planned and with horrific postnatal anxiety), I was literally white knuckling life. I missed friends weddings, birthdays, wasn’t there for them during bereavements, I had very very little tolerance for people at work that couldn’t do their jobs, couldn’t be the peacemaker I usually was with family etc etc etc

I never intentionally hurt anyone, but I wasn’t KIND, as I usually strive to be. I had no kindness, no love, no energy to give. I was pouring it all into my baby, and trying to put my life back together. Nobody knew - not even my friends - how bad things were. They all thought I’d had a baby and turned into a nightmare. Actually my life had turned into a nightmare, and the baby was the one bright spot.

My life is much better now. Albeit still,seven years on, rebuilding. And I’m back to trying to live kindly and with love and care and grace for others. And probably manage it a bit more, now I know what I know about how hard it can be, just to live, some days.

We once did a stupid work course where, amongst all the corporate crap, they talked about a “capacity bucket”. Basically it’s full of all the stress in your life that you carry around. It can only carry so much and then the stress starts to overflow. It was meant to show how people can sometimes be rude because of what they’re carrying around.

You’re being far too vague. No, your pet dying isn’t an excuse for mass murder? Or being recently bereaved might make you less likely to respond promptly to text messages?

Well, I have a tonne of family crisis situations atm across various relationships.

I'm the one carrying the mental load. There's really only so much I can do & I have to manage priorities to cope.

I am hopefully remaining polite but I am fed up of explaining why I can't commit to stuff (known unknowns, eg next hospitalisation), so I don't.

People have stuff going on & there's often not a lot of support.

'Most people never have a family emergency in their life' Really? Car/bike accidents, broken bones, deaths, cancer....surely these are things that will affect most people at some point in their life?

do you have any examples of the types of behaviours you mean?

Usually if someone is in crisis I would use some empathy and understanding towards them.

What does 'family emergency' mean to you?

I think you must have a really narrow definition if you think most people don't experience one in their entire life.

I disagree as well. It’s impossible to empathetic and lovely to everyone you meet when you’re in crisis. Literally no human can do it.

I find people use "family emergency" as a blanket excuse, when they either forgot or can't be bothered to do something. Most people never have a "family emergency" in their entire life, so it's a bit odd when Jane or Jim trots it out 3 times in 12 months!

I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you've got support in real life.

A friend of mine lost his child to suicide, and he fundraises for Papyrus, if you haven't looked into them, they help try to prevent suicide in young people, and they also support their families.

I hope you all manage to get through this together, and come out the other side stronger 💜

Bad behaviour is a massive category. I am generally super lovely however under immense stress my empathy bucket can be empty. Is that bad behaviour?

Oh give over.

Most people are not looking for others to take their stress out on. It's just that when they come up against people that aren't doing their job properly (or whatever it is) they are much less well equipped to handle it well. I have two instances where this happened when I was signed off work with anxiety. One was when my son's records had been mixed in with another boys records, and they were telling me that I was wrong. They were refusing to listen to what I had to say. In normal circumstances I could have handled it much better, but I was an emotion wreck. This is not something I was seeking out - I would much rather not have had to spend three hours on phone calls getting it sorted out.

YABU for being so vague.

Personal crisis such as losing a first degree family member very recently? Or personal crisis as in broke up with "new partner" (in very deliberate inverted commas) who was actually just someone they met three weeks ago on a dating app?

Treating others poorly as in not stopping to chat to a neighbour/ not taking in a parcel or as in screaming obscenity in said neighbour's face?

One of my children is currently suicidal.

if I’m a bit abrupt with people due the stress of this and they don’t understand why - tough shit. There’s only so much of me to go round.

Is that too blunt for you?