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Original poster

To want my husband to take up a martial art to develop his confidence?

85 replies

fleeceyjumper · 23/09/2024 16:24

Basically my husband is a very timid, anxious, scared person. He was bullied as a child. If he sees a group of teenage boys walking towards him, for example, he will want to cross the road. They are not doing anything other than being your average somewhat rowdy teenage boys.

This has come more to a head lately because I come from a minority ethnicity, and lately there have been local news reports of people of my ethnicity being racially abused. I feel like if push came to shove, I would not be able to rely on him at all to back me up. I don’t say this as a sexist thing, like as in a man-up thing, I think we should feel like we have each other’s backs. But I know I can’t rely on him if I needed it. I don’t expect him to start throwing down or anything like that, but just to not be so timid and frightened all of the time. I’m only 155cm meanwhile he’s 180cm and muscley, yet when we go out it’s me who is making him feel safe rather than me feeling safer with him with me. It’s stressful for me.

I want him to do something to build his confidence so that he is not so afraid, and I thought a martial art would help him. Would I be unreasonable to try to get him to do this? I’m willing to go with him to support him. Do you think this would help him?

OP posts:
Original poster
fleeceyjumper · 23/09/2024 16:45

Lentilweaver · 23/09/2024 16:44

This is ridiculous. I am from a minority ethnicity too and have been racially abused. In such a situation I want my husband to help me get away as soon as possible, not escalate the situation by getting into fisticuffs.

I said here specifically that I don’t expect him to start throwing punches:

’I don’t expect him to start throwing down or anything like that, but just to not be so timid and frightened all of the time.’

OP posts:
Mischance · 23/09/2024 16:45

I think you should accept him as he is. There are more ways to love someone than coming on all macho.

Original poster
fleeceyjumper · 23/09/2024 16:44

tealandteal · 23/09/2024 16:40

How about you both go on a self defence course? Either separately or together. I say this as around here the self defence courses aimed at women don’t accept men. Then if he enjoys it he may wish to take up a martial art but depending on the martial art they have a varying degree of usefulness in a real fight.

Thanks I think you’re right that we should do this together, I want to support him to build his confidence so that he isn’t afraid to such a degree.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 23/09/2024 16:44

This is ridiculous. I am from a minority ethnicity too and have been racially abused. In such a situation I want my husband to help me get away as soon as possible, not escalate the situation by getting into fisticuffs.

leafybrew · 23/09/2024 16:43

I think it's a good idea.

As others have said, you could learn too. It could turn into a shared interest/hobby for both of you.

I don't think the OP is saying she wants her partner to protect her or beat people up
(!)

She's saying she wants his confidence to improve. That doesn't always involve a personality transplant. People can grow and change for the better.

Original poster
fleeceyjumper · 23/09/2024 16:42

Rocknrollstar · 23/09/2024 16:36

The first rule of learning martial arts is that you are told not to use them out of the learning environment. I think you both need some sort of counselling. My DH is a large chap but he has never hit anyone in his life and would be unlikely to do so even to protect me.

Thank you, I didn’t know this. I assumed in a self defence situation you could use it to protect yourself. The one I was looking at said this:

’With its focus on responding to an attacker, rather than being the attacker, Aikido is a great martial art to learn for self defence’. If you can’t use it outside of the dojo, then how is it any good for self defence?

OP posts:
Original poster
fleeceyjumper · 23/09/2024 16:40

toomuchfaff · 23/09/2024 16:37

Why is it his job to protect you? Especially as he isn't that guy, and you knew that when you married him. Yoyre changing the goal posts, putting him under high pressure, frankly horrible and misandristic to now require him to beef up and stand up to your bullies just because he's the man. YABU.

Him doing martial arts isn't going to be the magic bullet to change his character.

How would you like it if he decided you weren't feminine enough, that you needed to dress up, wear more make up, make sure all his meals were done as he walked in the door and do all the housework like a proper wife should?

I said specifically: ‘I don’t say this as a sexist thing, like as in a man-up thing, I think we should feel like we have each other’s backs.’ Not sure how you translated that into me putting everything on him.

OP posts:
tealandteal · 23/09/2024 16:40

How about you both go on a self defence course? Either separately or together. I say this as around here the self defence courses aimed at women don’t accept men. Then if he enjoys it he may wish to take up a martial art but depending on the martial art they have a varying degree of usefulness in a real fight.

toomuchfaff · 23/09/2024 16:37

Why is it his job to protect you? Especially as he isn't that guy, and you knew that when you married him. Yoyre changing the goal posts, putting him under high pressure, frankly horrible and misandristic to now require him to beef up and stand up to your bullies just because he's the man. YABU.

Him doing martial arts isn't going to be the magic bullet to change his character.

How would you like it if he decided you weren't feminine enough, that you needed to dress up, wear more make up, make sure all his meals were done as he walked in the door and do all the housework like a proper wife should?

Rocknrollstar · 23/09/2024 16:36

The first rule of learning martial arts is that you are told not to use them out of the learning environment. I think you both need some sort of counselling. My DH is a large chap but he has never hit anyone in his life and would be unlikely to do so even to protect me.