To want my husband to take up a martial art to develop his confidence?

I think both of you taking up Aikido or whatever to build confidence and lessen fear is great.

But I would still cross the road to stay away from teen boys and other rowdy groups. People have been stabbed to death for just looking wrong or brushing accidentally against a teen knife carrier who thinks he is one of the Kray brothers.

The #1 rule of self defence in a confrontation is Avoid, avoid, avoid, don’t put yourself in a situation that could lead to a confrontation. Your DH is following this rule by giving rowdy groups of teen boys a wide berth.

But yeah some lessons to learn how to protect and escape if rule #1 fails would probably make you and him less fearful. I know you’re saying he is the timid one, but it seems like this is playing across your mind a lot too.

I think a martial arts instructor is much more likely to encourage him to cross the road than to encourage him to use his newly acquired skills. He's doing the right thing already by trying to avoid any potential danger, that should make you feel a lot safer than if he were strutting around convinced he can defend himself because he's had a few karate lessons.

So basically you are telling a man, whi has struggled hugely to stand up for himself in childhood, that he needs to stand up for you now?

I think that could do further damage to his self esteem. You are telling him he's not good enough for you as he is. Thread carefully.

I'm a karate instructor.

The number one piece of self-defence I teach is to get away. Run, walk, skip- doesn't matter how you do it, just get away.

After that I teach people to recognise potential danger, and how to de-escalate a situation.

Your martial art, whatever its form, is the last thing you should use. But you absolutely can use it out of the dojo, if necessary.

It can help self-confidence. It will almost certainly improve your fitness (enabling you to run faster).

I've been training for twenty years and I would absolutely cross the road if I felt unsafe.

That being said, if your husband wants to give martial arts a go, have a look around and see what kind he fancies. A lot of clubs offer a free first class. And join with him.

Can you give another example of how he is timid and frightened? That would be helpful. I am not the only one to ask this.

What is he doing apart from crossing the road when a group of teen boys approaches?

I am not. But you seem v keen to say that crossing the road to avoid teen boys is not normal.
There are many ways for minorities to be confident. Where I am in SE London it would be foolish to be feisty. Best hand it over.
My DS is a six foot tall confident and muscular lad. He knows to walk away.

I’m quite feisty so he feels safe with me because I’ll back us up

Well he shouldn't do.

I live in a very rough part of East London and it's nearly always the 'feisty' ones who get stabbed.

Or worse still, get their husbands or boyfriends stabbed.

The best thing to do is to say as little as possible and get away as quickly as possible.

How do you know you did well in a fight?

You walk away unharmed.

What you're saying and what you're saying is contradictory. You're not saying you want him to man up but you don't want him timid and frightened all the time.

You're not saying you want him to lay down fists or anything but you want him to have your back.

Seeing potential issues before they arise and being able to avoid conflict situations is going to be far more useful to you than him going to martial arts. The fact he does cross the road is better for you than him standing there yelling "come at me bro".

Do you suggest to all your friends they should take up martial arts before you go on a night out with them, or a shopping trip into town?

You married 'a very timid, anxious, scared person', so it's a bit off to try and change him now.

You could (if you really must) suggest it once, maybe as a way to keep fit but then leave it completely if he says no.

My whole family learnt martial arts when my kids were teens.

There was a very strong focus on the idea that you are training your body and your mind and that is good for you.

However our teacher, and many of the other teachers we met over the years were very clear:

If you are in a dangerous situation the safest thing you can do is get out of it. Run away. Leave.

Do not use your martial art - just get out as quickly and safely as you can.

The ONLY circumstances where they suggested it would be useful were if you literally could not leave. And even then you ideally use as little violence as possible,

Getting your husband to train in a martial art will not fix his anxiety and it certainly won't make him more likely to back you up in a violent situation.

Both my husband and my son trained up to black belt level. I don't feel any safer walking around with them than I do with other people.

If anything I'm better at dealing with those kind of situations because I was a teacher for 20 years and I'm quite good at de-escalating situstions. However that also means I'm good at recognising at when it's time to leave

’With its focus on responding to an attacker, rather than being the attacker, Aikido is a great martial art to learn for self defence’. If you can’t use it outside of the dojo, then how is it any good for self defence?

I used to learn aikido. Of course you can use it for self defense. But that's not what you want. You want him to use it to protect you! That's very different.

Absolutely recommend he learns aikido, but you should be there too.

I cross the road to avoid loud drunk teen boys if it's late. Why are you so obsessed with that?

I think it's a really bad idea and he'd be better off getting therapy and working on his self esteem.

It would take years for him to become competent and the best thing to do is get away, not try to fight someone who might have a knife.

Both of you could attend Foundation self defence classes like krav maga. A lot of it is teaching you to walk away with confidence from a situation