To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

If you are fine on your own and don't need anybody, sure making connections is probably not a priority (even if isolation is very bad for your health, but we do many things not good for us).

What OP, I believe, is wondering about are all the millions of 'I need to... but I have no-one to ask' topics. If you can see that you may end up in situations where you need to ask someone for a favour (which will happen to majority of people at some point or other), and you realise you will not have anybody to ask - to then say that but I'm tired and can't really be arsed and tried once, but that one person did not instantly become my bestie, so that's it? Rewards would outweigh the risks and effort here.

The other thing that hasn't been mentioned but I think is also a big factor is luck

Our kids are at a school extremely close to our house, like virtually next door.

My eldest son's best friends both live almost two miles away which in London is a long way for primary school. We do do playdates and things but they require a lot more planning especially as our kids are in after school club 3 days a week and have extracurriculars the other 2 days.

Also both of them have mums who don't need any childcare help - one is a SAHM and the other has a reciprocal arrangement with her sister

In contrast, I ran into a mum I know from a preschool activity - her DD's best friend from school literally lives next door and they happen to both be part time and work different days. So they have a fab set up for reciprocal childcare and general support and socialising.

She didn't do anything differently to me, she just had better luck. It is what it is.

Staying where you grow up isn't the solution for everyone. A combination of bullying at school and misanthropic parents meant I was actually at my most lonely and isolated living in my "home town".

I actually don’t think moving around is a bad thing, in fact I think it’s a net positive.

Learning to reestablish yourself and work that social “muscle” is a really important life skill which is one of the reasons university is life enhancing for a lot of people. It’s harder as you get older but if you have the skills and the confidence you’re in much better shape to do it.

Being stuck in the town you grew up in isn’t necessarily a recipe for being happy or grounded. It can be incredibly limiting. Desperately trying and failing to shake off perceptions of you which date back to primary school and fishing in a limited and stale friendship pool aren’t ideal.

There's more to life than children. What if you needed to get home from hospital and weren't allowed to drive and can't afford a taxi? Or you had a an accident which temporarily immobilised you?

I don't think we can turn back the clock with people moving away from where they grew up being so normal, at least not without doing something totalitarian. Frequent moves aren't unusual either.

I do think we need to consider the consequences of this though and what the needs of people in this very common situation are, especially as they get older. I think the advice given to lonely and isolated people is very outdated and often refers to things that are no longer readily available to them.

This will sound defeatist but I suspect that there are some people who simply aren't capable of recreating a new support network from scratch.

One issue is that people move around more these days. We moved from the south to the North for work, just after I had my first child. I had absolutely no friends or family nearby. It took me years to make the kind of friends you can ask for help. My in laws are abroad. I think our situation is quite common.
In the past more people stayed locally, although my parents actually moved away from family when we were tiny too.

@hattie43

Totally. At the heart of all these stories of isolation and loneliness there’s almost always a story of over dependence on a spouse or partner. My mum was exactly like this. She went from being glamorous, busy and sociable to being a shell of herself because she let all her support networks atrophy and bitterly regretted it.

It happens. People move to be closer to a partner and give up friendships. They curtail their social life because they “have all they need at home” or “he doesn’t like it when I go out”. Or they just develop inertia about making and sticking to arrangements because they don’t feel the need.

Theres no blame attached to this, it’s understandable that it happens. And obviously there are upsides to being in a settled relationship during the child-rearing period.

But over the lifetime of a marriage or long partnership the overall impact on mental health and social resilience is profoundly negative.

I don’t know what the solution is as clearly people aren’t going to stop getting married. But I do think its reasonable to think about ways to frame marriage so it doesn’t just become a debilitating social crutch. At the very least I think young people need to be warned of this risk.

I can very well understand how people end up with no family or connected friends .
Divorce , constant relocations , others connecting elsewhere dropping you etc .
Also some people just prefer their own company and over time become isolated .

Unless you come from a massive in touch family it's very easy to become isolated .

I agree with this . My own mum has never been single and now her husband has left it's like she can't function . She has no friends because they lived like Siamese twins . I am expected to step in and do everything like he did , life admin , social days out , book appointments etc etc .

@BluYlloRedPurpl

Its an interesting post and a valid challenge and thanks.

I have to say I think in some ways the only real solution is not to get married or partner up in the first place, but obviously that creates a whole other set of problems.

I do think marriage and long term relationships are very bad for people’s social resilience. They make people far too emotionally dependent on one other person.

I find it surprising that some find it surprising tbh. I am one of those misanthropic types who for the best part doesn't much like being around others. I'm OK with it occasionally and in small doses but more than that I hate it. No need for me to explain the many reasons why in detail. I do however have friends but I rarely see or speak to them through choice. My family Inc dh and dd are enough. I have plenty of work 'friends ' and get on well with people on the surface but I tend to get bored or irritated easily 🙃

It's possible. I have no family or friends. Since early last month I have seen supermarket delivery people 3-4 times and spoken to one person on the phone about some house admin stuff. In an emergency I either fix it or it doesnt get fixed.

I don't have anyone I can call and meet for coffee, I do a hobby but they are "situational friends" so if we moved I doubt I would keep in touch. My friends I had before moving didn't keep in touch (still on facebook) because again they were school mum friends and I moved 200 miles. I've never had lots of friends yet I'm sociable etc. I'm just not a pushy person who assumes people want to exchange numbers I suppose. I'm quite happy

We are one of those couples. My family are abusive so we are nc and dhs parents are in a different country and just have no interest. I have one friend who I could call in an absolute emergency but thats it. Other friends wouldn't have the ability to help in any shape or form.

Same here, I have an elderly mother and a son that I see little of and my partner is ten years older than me). I have moved jobs a few times over the years and have social anxiety so no long term connections. All in all I will be a lonely old woman (which is exactly what happened to my grandmother).

Now ds is grown up surely adults don't need this 'help' that is referred to? What for?

Not that I ever asked for help when he was young even.

This is NOT my life, but it so hard to imagine a circumstance where this might be a reality? Or have you never left the place where you grew up to make this so incomprehendable?

Well you have pretty much described my life, except that I also live in another country. No family here, no old friends, nobody.

And being in this situation is very scary and lonely. Not to mention that it's nice to have friends, but it's very scary to think that if you need help, there's no-one you can even ask.

there was nothing aggressive in that post. nothing at all. You are extremely small minded and just don't have the capacity or empathy to understand that your experience isn't universal.

Do you have a partner @Starfish89?

I am also an only child and we have no children, so just have my husband and an Uncle in the UK who is in his 90s. We have made our memories together, travelled extensively, emigrated to NZ and done and achieved much more than we would have been able to have children.

I do regret not having children but I cannot change that and life is far too short to live with regrets.

I do have friends who I could call on, but I would find it really difficult to ask for help. I think that is a great failing of mine and probably due to the fact that being an only one has made me very independent.

I have a huge gaping hole in my life regarding family. I would love some people of my generation to share memories with, but as an only child I just don't have that and there is nothing I can do to get it.

Exactly, and that is probably why I linger on AIBU more than I'd ever admit IRL - taking oneself out of the SW6 bubble is good for the soul.

Sorry that you find us so “odd”. We don’t choose to be without love and support, just think yourself fortunate if you have plenty family (which I don’t) and friends who are actually willing and able to help in significant ways. I have friends, but I don’t feel I could ask for more than general small favours, not the sort of help that people get from close family.

We are one of those couples. My mum has passed away, my dad lives abroad, my partner's dad passed away and his mum is elderly with declining health. I have a severe ASD child which does leave us quite isolated

I think it can be quite common as more people move away from home towns, busy lifestyles don't always make friends you'd feel comfortable leaving children with.

Personally I have one side of the family 3 hours or so away, the other a 4 hour plane journey away. I have a disabled child and my 'village' like many others in the same position, consists of friends who also have disabled children. In a dire emergency they would help of course, as would I, but generally we muddle and fudge it through. Usually at a detriment to our own goals and other responsibilities.