To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

I really wish I knew how to make decent friends when you're in your 40s.

I'm autistic/ADHD but mask well so I normally get on OK in social situations, even when I might be feeling a bit confused inside! The ADHD side of me helps me to be more sociable certainly. I seem to get on well with people if I'm out at any events or get-togethers.

I have two autistic DC, one with high needs. They were at school until Y5 but are now home educated. I always found that the other parents at school were really nice but I was never really part of things as my DC were very clearly different and didn't socialise in the same way. I was very much an outsider and was just naturally excluded from lots of things. Of course, now we're home educating we don't see them any more at all.

We go to home education meet-ups and the other mums there are lovely, really welcoming. But they're all really good friends with each other and have known each other for YEARS. I get on well with them and we seem to have quite a laugh on meets while the children are playing, but that's as far as it goes. Also, most of us have DC that have additional needs so it's quite complicated to arrange a get-together. As they know each other so well they tend to just drop into each other as and when so it's not as if I'm excluded from big meet-ups.

My DP can't work any more due to ill-health and has been told not to go back to work by his neurologist. I am self-employed and WFH and have done for the past 14 years. So no work friends for either of us.

I do have a couple of friends but probably my closest friend has shown their true colours in the last year and I'm currently trying to figure out whether I have the courage to just drop the rope. I only speak to them once every few months at the moment. I have another good friend who is lovely but her life is pretty hard (really fucking hard actually) and it's impossible to even have a chat most of the time.

I care for my two DC, work full-time/self-employed, help to care for my DM who lives in my annexe (she has cerebral palsy), and I have to do pretty much most things around the house too due to DP's illness. Plus I have to fit in home educating the two DC. I don't know how to find friends when I have so little time to myself, or to socialise.

Also I find that most people my age already have their own established social circle and aren't really looking for more friends.

Pre-children I used to have friends that I got on well with when we went out and about but they've just slowly drifted away and we're no longer in touch.

I do feel like a massive failure in not having a circle of friends. I don't dwell on it too often but I have no idea how to fix it.

I don't act like a sad-faced billy-no-mates in real life, no matter how this post might read 😅

The phrase ' there but for the grace of God' comes to mind. I've always made friends where I go. But after moving to a new part of the UK when the kids were young, I find myself some years on with no real friends. I made a couple of good friends with local mothers but they both moved abroad last year ( which was really upsetting if I am honest), meaning I now have no local friends to call on in an emergency. I am friendly with a couple of other mothers but they live too far away to really call on for help, and they are also very busy in their own lives. I probably could ask some of the school mums for help in a simple emergency that did not put them out too much.

I have found it really hard to start over in a new place. Most people seem to have established friendship groups and, whilst they are friendly enough to chat to, are not looking for new friends. With working full time and kids, I have limited time to invest in developing new friendships or investing in the sort of activities that would lead to new friendships.

So judge not. Its humiliating and upsetting enough to be in this position without threads like this of people sticking the boot in.

I'm not! But that might be as I am one of these people here are a few reasons of mine:

I do not live anywhere near anyone I'm related to.
I have a limited number of really trusted friends.
Most of my friends live at a distance as careers have taken them all over the country and the world.
My husband's family live even further off than mine.

My husband's friends tend to be through his hobby, equally live all over.

We have some friends nearby. One couple both have disabilities and are more.likely to need my support.

Three singles, with no children of their own and seriously busy working lives (again, far more likely to ask us to do small favours).

I'm VERY nervous of who spends time with my children owing to my own poor experience of childhood with parents with low boundaries and expectations of their friends.

I'm also very unsure of myself and I'd really struggle to reach out as I don't want to be a nuisance.

I am not HUGELY social, it takes me a very long time to develop friendships (literal years) not everyone sticks around.

It is particularly usual for people to move away from family post university/ for careers in my experience. That and when most people work ultimately less friends are made at the school gate as you're just not able to get together for coffee after drop off etc.

It can happen quickly…
We had lots of family and friends before Covid, family have moved away, taking PIL with them (not entirely a bad thing!)
Friends seem to have either moved or no longer want to socialise, retreated into their families. Plus DH’s health has taken a turn for the worse so his pub and curry friends have dropped him as he no longer drinks. It’s all pretty rubbish really. Friends I used to meet for lunch/dinner no longer want to as COL. I’ve one great mate who I’ve known since primary school, just have to hope she doesn’t drop dead or emigrate I suppose!

I don't understand why these situations are so difficult to comprehend.
I don't have anyone I could rely on for support. I still live in the city I grew up in, but all of my long term friends went to uni and moved away. I work in a different city, so although I have close friends from work, they don't live nearby. I'm divorced, and although XH and I had a large close group of couples friends, they don't bothering contacting either of us anymore. I'm an only child, so no siblings. I have one cousin, who I am close to, but she works long hours and is a carer for her incapacitated mum (my aunt). My Mum is deceased, and my Dad is terminally ill. I am good friends with a neighbour, but she is an A&E nurse and works shifts. I don't really meet any of the other parents at school, because my child is in wraparound care to enable me to work. I wouldn't want to ask any of them for a favour anyway, because due to my lifestyle/schedule I'd never be able to repay them in kind.

I agree with pp who find this thread really unpleasant: OP seems to think those of us who find ourselves with no support network, no family or friends , oddities and somehow to blame for the situation we are in.
Totally lacking in empathy or knowledge of how life pans out for many many people.

DH is 73 and his parents are long deceased. My parents are in their late 70s and live in Australia. My sister lives in New Zealand. her ILs are deceased.

We have nobody at all around us to 'support'. I have a very disabled older DS as does DSis who also has a disabled DH. Neither of us have ever been in a position where we have support we do not pay for. My DS's needs are so severe that there is no ad hoc baby sitting service that could possibly cater to him.

My parents always say that no-one ever helped them. But they lived next door to ny paternal Gps and for a few years we lived with them when my dad did teacher training.

We, literally, have no support. I gave up my job when DS1 was aged 11 because we had literally no support. I think many people have no idea what it is like for people like us.

I agree with this but it's genuinely harder for some people than others.

I have made a huge effort with this, but it's been really hard because of how little time I spend at the school gate and the fact that we both work

Also a lot of people have grandparent support and aren't interested in being part of my parent network.

And my kids wouldn't go with some parent they only vaguely knew so they need to know them too.

I think, three years into my older son starting school, I am finally at a point where I know some parents well enough to be able to call on them in an emergency but it has taken three years

We don't have much of a support system, my family are interested, DHs are on different continents and we've moved around a lot so tricky with friends.
We're just recently starting to get to a point where we have people we can rely on sometimes - but the key is, and I think lots of people forget this, those people have to be able to rely on us too!

This - and also, I think some people just say that because they want people to offer other solutions so it's easier. Not having anyone to help, and not wanting certain people to help, aren't the same thing.

To flip this the other way: would you help others if they needed it? Neighbour, colleague, parent of a child in your childs class at school? If so, what makes you think they wouldnt help you?

And if you wouldn't put yourself out a bit to help any of those people... Well maybe thats your issue. Do as you would be done by

But what happens when one of you dies? The other will be all alone with no one.

I don’t think it’s in the slightest bit surprising. There is nobody other than my husband I could ask for practical or emergency “support” from, because literally everyone I know is already struggling to juggle children and work, or frail or incapacitated to at least an extent by age and/or poor heath, or a good hour away. Yes, they would do what they could in an emergency, but as a healthy solvent adult, it would have to be something pretty extreme for me to even dream of asking.

I agree. I can honestly say in a situation where a child in my kids class needed a one-off drop to school id help, even where i dont like the parent, as id do it for the sake of the kid?! At our school we've had loads of times where a parent has posted on the class chat at 8am with an emergency eg the toddler just started vomiting, can anyone help me get the eldest to sch, there's always 2 or 3 people offer to help.
I knlw some who refuse to ask for help because they don't want to 'owe' anyone a favour. They don't like helping others themselves so dont want to ask for help

Yeah this would be us.

Family is all abroad, closest/oldest friend live hours away, local friends all have young children and have enough going on without me asking them to do stuff for me! We do have friends who may pick up DS from school or something as a one off but wouldn't do it regularly. We need to be self sufficient. We knew this going into it, so not complaining, but explaining how it can be for some people.

I guess people may actively say it (and therefore draw attention to it) because otherwise the first comments are always 'are there no friends or family you can ask' when really if there were surely they'd have tried that before coming on mn!

Yep. We have one living parent between us and he's three hours away and not a hands-on grandparent. We have no other family anywhere near. I do have a lot of lovely friends who would help in a crisis and probably more if I asked, but they have their own kids and busy lives too, so in terms of day to day support for stuff, we don't have any. It's just the two of us. It is what it is.

I hope you are doing ok 💐

I have a few people who I call call in an absolute emergency but I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking for much else. Don’t forget please that a lot of us have been really badly affected by the covid lockdowns. When my youngest was in reception we were social distancing and home schooling. This was also the case when she was in year 1. She didn’t do a full school year until her final year in that school. My youngest didn’t get to do his first 2 years at nursery because of covid. So as much as I love the concept of a support network the reality for a lot of people is it doesn’t exist.

Could it be that the people with lots of friends and family to talk to don't come onto MN to seek conversations with strangers because they have plenty of "real life" people?

DH and I both moved from where we grew up for work, as did many of our "local" friends. There are very few people in our social group who have family close by. We are all of a similar demographic, middle class dual income families. The issue with this, is that when someone might need help we are all stretched to our limits and not really in a position to offer. I can't give someone a lift to the hospital in the middle of the day because I'm barely keeping up with my hours at work as it is, their kids go to a different school to mine and I can't do both drop offs at same time etc etc

You then end up in a vicious circle of the less you have that mutual support type of relationship, the less you feel you can ask/receive it in return, because you KNOW you can't necessarily offer help back. You are also acutely aware of how much a tiny favour can put people out when their own spare capacity is miniscule .

So everyone ends up paying for help or struggling and stressed.

I wonder of part of people feeling that they have a great support network is the fact that they haven't ever had to rely on it for a significant amount of time?

I think this can very much be the case.

I'd have previously said that I had a very strong support network outwith family.

Great friends, people that I swapped childcare favours with a lot, and lots of school run help.

However, since having my youngest and her having very serious life limiting health issues, I have realised that I - someone who worked part time term time and organised the local breakfast club and holiday playscheme - was the support network for a number people on a very regular basis for many years. They, however, did the very occasional favour to not look like absolute CF's and have absolutely vanished when I wasn't able to give regular help anymore, let alone offer any help.

Thankfully DH's family are good and could help in an emergency, but I can see how people find themselves with no one to call on. There are a lot of very selfish people in the world. And there are a lot of very very time poor people as well. Those combined don't make it easy to build a village.

We moved this year to Scotland for DH work. I have 5 children, all our family is in England. I am trying to build relationships and community, but it takes time.

Hope the agoraphobia gets better soon. I suffer with it too and other MH issues. It’s not nice.

as for the OP yes many of us have no one to rely on. I was a single parent as a teenager and a horrendous abusive ex and other male related traumas early on, so I stuck to myself with my child, tried to make friends at the school gates got blanked so instead focussed on studying working to feed us etc. I did have some family support at that time here and there but my family situation is complex.

I’m currently nc with them, or LC, their decisions not mine and just speak to one of my parents once a week. I live hundreds of miles from home now as moved us in my 30s as we needed a new start. It was tough I was completely alone. But twenty years later I have my adult child obviously, my DP and our own home. We just don’t have any friends or family. Apart from our elderly next door neighbour who I’ve just seen no-one calls us and no-ones even visited our house in over 2 years. We literally have nobody and yes it’s stressful and makes us sad.

My best friend since school (we are in our 50s now) has also decided she only wants me in her life occasionally, ie never, and didn’t even send me a Christmas card last Christmas.

I think we are definitely in the minority though as I live on a happy big family housing estate in the SE but apart from us and elderly neighbour everyone else is in and out all day have visitors friends and family.

Even though I have friends and family they can’t just drop things and come over if I needed them to. I’m more likely to get help if I prebook it but if it’s something unplanned then I’d probably be just as up the creek as those who have no one.

Some of us are really bad at making friends.

i have ASD and a medical condition that makes socializing very difficult. I don’t want to be as isolated as I am, but I have very few options.