To be surprised by the amount of people on here who have no family and no friends to rely on

There was no vitriol in her response. Of course there are exceptions, bit most people do have time to make friends if they try.
I'd also question how you define "real". Different people are easier or harder to get to know. I'm not even sure I spent that long with DH before we moved on together 🤣

I think it can happen and you can't always prevent it. But I think it's something many people have to consciously work on to develop. We don't have any local family and no close friends locally so when we moved here and started a family, we made an effort to be involved in the community, get to know some parents from local activities and school. We had a group of school parent friends by the time DD2 was in school, and we helped each other out with last minute childcare, that kind of thing. I have ended up knowing a lot more people locally and also have someone to babysit and cat feed, etc, so I really think it does pay off. I have my own close friends as well but they are not all local so they can't help with a lot of practicalities.

What a parochial attitude@fossilgap is your scope of understanding really that narrow?
Typical of someone who fails to grow up and always have to rely on others, I expect.

There was no one to help me when I left a very violent man.

Parents saw their job as done at 18.

No other family.

Friendships superficial.

Judgmental much? Maybe they come from a dysfunctional upbringing with mental health impact? Maybe they are neurodiverse and are enjoying social interactions?

@elizzza for me it feels like putting too much on a friend or neighbour, considering all of them seem to have nearby family who help, so I’d never be able to repay the favour!

Yes anyone with kids with SEN or disabilities or mental health issues will know how hard this is.

It is a me, me ME society and folks are so easy to go NC over the slightest issue!

If your children attend a specialist school and travel by minibus or taxi paid for by local authority you never get to meet the other parents and if you do, we’ve all got enough on our plates dealing with our own kids disabilities to be helping out with others even in an emergency.

I used to live abroad so a whole bunch of friends are now in a different country, family live miles away as well then I was the only one from the friendship group I made to have kids and have struggled to maintain those friendships and generally I find it quite hard to make friends. I also am pretty introverted and after a day at work plus DC non stop chat I need some time to myself and don't always have the energy for other people. Luckily we do have a class what's app which I have used in an emergency but I don't feel like I have loads of people for support. Autistic DS as well so I feel it is asking a bit extra to ask someone I don't know well to take him

Some people are just unlucky. We don’t have any babysitting/ childcare/ general support, nursery emergency contact is a friend of mine. We are both from families with allot of ill health including mental health issues and addictions, so we have family but they don’t/ can’t support us in any substantial way.

TBH I didn’t realise how unfortunate we were until we had kids and saw how involved/ amazing other grandparents were. Gutted!

I'm lucky I made a good network with .y first born, but there's no allowance class Watts apps at our school so if you aren't friendly enough to swap numbers, you can't ask for help.

Yep.

And the people who say things like "the holidays are so hard, my parents only take them for a week"

Forgot to mention, I had a terrible divorce many years ago and found out my friends were a bit shit.

If you've moved away from your hometown it's very feasible that you could have a decent circle of close friends who live far away, plus more casual friends you'd meet for after work drinks/a hobby group/etc but who you didn't feel you could call on in an emergency. And tbh even making those casual ties and maintaining old friendships is hard after your mid 20s!

I also think a lot of us aren't in a position to offer much support. Finances are stretched much more than they used to be, it's more common for both partners in a couple to need to work, on average we're working more hours than we used to for salaries that don't go as far. That's also stressful, so it's harder to ask for emergency babysitting help or to stay on someone's sofa etc etc, if that person has some level of stress trying to make ends meet when someone in their equivalent position 30 years ago would have been much more comfortable. It's a vicious circle because being able to offer and receive help is one of the best ways to strengthen friendships.

I have 2 grown up children who live abroad. My parents are elderly, very helpful with other people but wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. Long story short.
Myself and partner are very happy, self sufficient but in an emergency we probably don't have anyone who would help. We are quite insular, spend all of our time outside work together, generally. Nice colleagues, happy work life but don't really spend an awful lot of time with other people.
We do have siblings, nieces, nephews and visitation sometimes but we're quite happy with life as it is.

I thought I had lots of people I could rely on. People who I always helped out in the past. Until I became very unwell, then they all disappeared and didn’t really care and some were very unkind about it. Now I don’t see them in the same light anymore, so although I could list names of people I know, I now know that I can’t rely on them IYSWIM. So it is just me, my DH and my DC as far as I’m concerned.

People move house.
People move jobs or retire or are unable to work due to health.
Parents die, no siblings or none nearby.
Don't have primary aged children so not around school drop off/pick up.
Work full time so use childcare for school drop off/pick up.
Work full time and have young children = little time for hobbies where you might make friends.

I can see how it can happen, very easily.

I've been caring for my DH for years and it's been very difficult at times, to the point where I had to retire early. Between us we have literally 5 living relatives and they are 100s of miles away, in different directions. We do have friends who have stuck by us, give support and would be there (have been there) during a crisis, practically and emotionally. I don't think this is because I'm marvellous, but rather very, very lucky, given the number of people in our situation who find themselves pretty much abandoned. My heart goes out to them.

My family moved away and one child has SEN. She won't go with anyone and I can't help others in return as she struggles with people in the house.

I found this as well and lots of people I thiguht of as good friends were very disappointing and have drifted off completely since he died.

Several others have really stepped up and been invaluable though.

Really interesting and a bit of a sad thread for me… I feel like I had lots of neighbours/ friends/ local mums for many many years …. And then my daughter went to Uni, some friends and neighbours moved and things seemed to change, and especially after Covid it just all seems a bit quieter and I really lost contact with lots of people and have to drive a long way now to see close friends and family. :0(

I live over 200 miles away from family.

Most of the school mums were already in established friendships when we moved here and while I know them enough to say hello in passing, I don't know them enough for favours.

We don't really do playdates because of work commitments and after school activities.

I'm lucky that my eldest child is now old enough to babysit for a couple of hours in an emergency until my parents could get here from 300 miles away.

Having a husband who was terminally ill and at home on end of life care taught me that lots of friends are friends in name only.