To have failed miserably at making mum friends?

Ask the nursery teacher who he plays with and interacts with. Give some invites and tell her to put them in the kids bags with your phone number on as RSVP. Give some to husband to take the rugby and do the same.
Try and go to pick up or drop off when others do and make small talk with parents.

I found this easier when my son started school. Pick up can feel scary and if you don’t talk to people and make the effort you’ll never make friends!!

We have 3-4 sets of parents we made this way and they invite us to the beach, day trips etc and then you make friends with others too. We now have four parties coming up over the next two months and two weekend lunches/play dates with new friends we have made!

I am not overly sociable but really make the effort! Also in holidays I had kids over without parents to do them a favour!

When he starts school, there will be whole class birthday parties and the parents stay and chat during the party. When you meet a mum or mums you like, suggest having a coffee after school drop off one morning, or invite a kid he likes round for a play date and invite the mum in for a cup of tea, or arrange to go to the playground together and have a chat while the kids play. I didn't stay in touch with my mum friends from nursery as too many people moved and the kids forgot each other when they went to different schools, but friendships with primary school mums stuck.

Never managed it the whole time my kids were at primary. Tbh largely as I was working most of the time - nothing wrong with our cliquey about the mums, I just wasn't there enough.

Still managed to sort playdates and parties though, as we had a class contact list. I guess these days everyone goes straight to WhatsApp, but one way or another as long as you can contact people you can sort things out for your kids. You don't have to be mates.

I had no ‘mum friends’ when my eldest DD was that age. I made loads when she started school because you see people more and are ‘in it’ for years together whereas nursery is quite fleeting with everyone having different hours. Is there not something big ticket you can offer over the party? The amount it costs for some of the venues round here I reckon you could 1 night at legoland with fast passes for less!

Can you not ask his key worker? Or anyone when you pick him up??

Oh, gosh – yes, that happens more than people might think. One of the newborn support groups U was in was 34 women, and only three boys (including my boy twin)! You couldn't have made it up. The boy mums definitely struggled to feel part of the group – there was A LOT of stereotypical girl baby chat.

I have made friends with a couple of my daughter’s friends Mums but the children’s friendships came first. I’ve never really got the obsession on here about making Mum friends to be honest.

Didn't mean to take it off topic! But regardless – you aren't alone in how you feel. Can you ask the nursery staff who he likes playing with. When my twins were in nursery we had just a little party with three of the other nursery children and it was really nice.

Can you ask him who he'd like to invite?

You will make lots of friends when he goes to school next year 💙

IME nursery parties involve just a couple or a few children from the nursery. Definitely not all of them! And birthday parties at 4 range from full on extravaganzas to tea and cake and free play with a couple of friends at home, maybe with a couple of quiet games like pass the parcel (in this case, feed the parents too and make it more of a mixed ages event than a traditional kids' party). You don't need to know the parents, just ask DC's key worker which children he usually likes to play with and see if he'd like to invite them. Or you could pay to take him and a couple of them to soft play or the zoo and cake afterwards. I think huge parties for preschoolers are massively overrated and they and their friends get far more out of them a year or two later.

This is what I was going to say! Surely there aren't 50 kids in one class. For DS's 4th birthday we invited his nursery class of 14. Got a list of all the email addresses from the school and sent all the parents and e-vits. Job done.

Doesn’t he have a little class at nursery that he’s in? There aren’t 50 children in his class are there? Could you ask the staff to give the invitations to his little group?
Don’t beat yourself up about not making
mum friends, it‘s bloody hard!

Birthday parties in my area don't usually happen until they're in reception, the year they turn 5. The parents usually invite the whole class (30 of them) and it's a good way, in that first school year, to get to know other parents and secure some friendships.

Usually once reception starts, school mums create whatsapp groups to keep ne another updated so I wound't worry, you still have time. Not all children from nursery will end up in the same school, not in my area anyways.

For DD’s 4th birthday I just asked her who she wanted to invite and gave the invites to nursery who handed them out. I didn’t, and still don’t, know any of the parents.

Now she’s at school I do the same thing (hand invites to teacher), we don’t have a class WhatsApp and haven’t made any friends at her school, but I don’t mind after all we are all just there to drop our kids off at school!

@oopslinethrough going back a bit to your original issue, re the party. It really doesn't need to be a big event!

My son had his first birthday party last year when he turned 4 in December. He had 2 friends over - they played with toys and balloons, ate pizza and cake and we're done in under 3 hours. They were absolutely buzzing. We did it again for Easter - 2 friends in the garden looking for eggs, then decorating biscuits and playing with Duplo - time of their lives 🤣 Both times the mums and dads chatted very pleasantly between supervising duties.

We haven't become besties or anything, but keep in touch for things and hopefully I'll make "deeper" connections with some school mums as we go along.

Ask him who he plays with at nursery or ask the staff for a few names and just give out a handful of invites for a simple get together. It will be more than enough 🙂

Most of the mums I met through parent/ toddler groups and their schools when my kids were really young were more of an acquaintance rather than true mates. We didn't always have a lot in common beyond having kids the same age or in the same class and when they start getting older, we either lost touch or drifted apart. It was nice at the time to know people at local childrens' events but it's not the end of the world if you don't.
You may find you get to know some parents as your child moves up through the school. I know lots of parents to say hi to but I've only made one proper friend through my kids, and we are genuine mates rather than only having our kids to talk about. I never went out purposefully to make "mum friends". We met and just had a lot in common and happened to become friends.

When DD was at nursery we asked her who her friends were then compared notes with the room staff to see if that was really who she played with and took it from there. Nursery gave the invitations to the relevant parents, job done. The only way we got to know any of the other nursery parents was the random party invitations.

Your four year old was born in 2020, is that correct? So your nct classes were online, there was no mother and baby groups for another year, you would have gone back to work by then and the only contact might have been a bubble of people you already knew?
And now you're blaming yourself for what lockdown did to you and your family?
He hasn't had the same opportunities as four year olds 10 years ago had because they were not available. You're starting on a back foot.

The timing thing is definitely as issue, yes. I don't often want to do things away from kids and DH on a weekend as that's the only opportunity of quality time I get with them. I would like to meet after work for a drink locally though, but haven't found anyone to do that with.

I also think my experience is coloured by having twins. Your are put in pre-natal groups with other twin parents (understandably, to get the relevant education), but meeting up with even small groups of twin mums in almost impossible – there are very few places you can go with three women and six babies. Baby groups are very difficult too as it's very one-on-one and difficult to manage two babies by yourself with many of the activities. So any socialisation is very difficult right of the bat – which may do some damage in informing the rest of your parenting journey even though twins aren't babies forever.

During the toddler years, I definitely found less mum's asking for play dates as they generally find hanging out with young twins more chaotic (which it is!), and then when they get to school age, they probably just want to invite one twin (the twin their kid is friends with) and not the other, but then feel awkward about it so don't ask at all!

I also think as a full-time working twin mum you just come across as being insanely busy all the time, and people tend to steer clear!!

Anyway, that's my sad monologue, lol. I hope you meet some nice mums in reception!