To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

When I lost my father unexpectedly and I was a lot older than you, I found it really hard to see my FIL. I felt resentful that he was still alive. The fact that my FIL was partially blind and living in a care home didn't affect my resentment. After six months or so my feelings completely changed. I was able to be a loving warm DIL again. I never told anyone I felt that way and just faked it whilst being so angry inside.
Death is horrible and grief can get in the way of your reactions to others. I asked colleagues not to be told at work that my father had died because I knew if someone asked me about it that I would cry. I didn't want to talk about it because that made it real and part of me hoped that it was all a terrible dream and that he would come back.
Be very kind to yourself. Avoid picking fights with anyone for six months. Your feelings are so full of anger and resentment and the urge to look for a scapegoat, any scapegoat is strong.
I internalised my grief and wanted it to be private even from my husband and friends. I did not want to discuss the circumstances of his death casually with people. What helped was being busy and working hard. After 6 months/ a year I felt better and stopped being angry with my FIL for still being alive.
I am so sorry for your loss. Time will help

Out comes the underbelly of MN. Managing to not only let the nastiness drip from every word, but to also demonstrate a spectacular inability to read and understand words.

‘You don’t sound like you like her’ What? How on Earth did you get that from OP’s posts?!

Shes been rubbish at supporting you, but I don't think going NC is the right response. It's hurtful and it's something you won't forget, but she otherwise has been a good MIL and good grandparent. Its a lot to throw away over not receiving a text message. She has initially said her bit, some people are awful dealing with death and don't know how to react.

She's scared of interfering, I'll bet.
She doesn't want you feeling like " oh god, now I've got the mother in law on at me".
She's sent love via your husband and she's showing love in practical ways. I'd just let this lie.

She did reach out - through your partner, and said you were part of their family.
You don’t sound like you like her? She probably senses that. Why is so it important to you to have a personal message from someone you dislike?

I am so sorry for your loss, and I know that losing a parent absolutely floors you.

I found that some people are spectacularly poor at dealing with grief, they don't want to acknowledge it and seeing death or someone hurt causes them to turn away from the pain.

I also found that the people I thought would step in and help didn't, but the most unexpected kindnesses came from others - sometimes near strangers. Typically it was people who had experienced loss and knew to just reach out who were the most helpful.

Its really hard feeling let down by people who you thought you had a close relationship with, but dwelling on it won't help and won't heal. She may be waiting for a sign from you that contact would be helpful to you, so if you're feeling up to it message her directly and just leave the door open.

I get it, your emotions will be all over the place, you will fixate on external hurts, because you are grieving deeply and you need kindness and time in abundance.

Firstly, I am sorry to hear of your loss. Some people just don't know what to say, it's quite common. Also it's probably a sharp reminder of her own mortality so perhaps she's scared for herself. I would suggest that your DH contacts her and arranged a meet up of some kind. The ice needs to be broken and really it's not up to you to do it.

Perhaps she is just scared of upsetting you. Some people think that they don't want to cause you hurt, so say nothing.

I am sorry for your loss.

I’m sure she cares but is at a loss as to how to support you. Maybe she’s waiting for you to contact her? Please don’t let this cause you further upset.

Maybe she doesn’t want to feel she is interfering, especially if she is quite reclusive. Also grief can be a funny thing so someone having lost their mum might not want another ‘mum’ near them for awhile as it reminds you of what you have lost.

I am sorry for your loss @Popandcrackle 💐

If you generally have a good relationship it's far more likely she is just being awkward and weird around death, like so many people, than that she has any intention of being rude or upsetting you. I agree it's rude and I understand why you feel upset but blowing up your remaining family relationships over this would be an overreaction. Frankly DH should probably have gently spoken to her about this by now and given her a nudge to say something.

I'm so sorry about your mum

Some people can't deal with death. Its not right but it is true.

She's been unsupportive and rubbish, but you don't need to understand it any more deeply than that.

Just for now, put her out of your mind. Your DH can make any arrangements. You focus on you.