To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

I'm so sorry about your mum and yes, of course your MIL should have reached out to you. You will feel angry at her now but further down the line I think you won't feel so strongly. But it may inform how you react to other's bereavements.

As an example, my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly. Some members of DH's family rang me on hearing the news. I really appreciated that and was very touched and surprised by it. I wanted to tell the story (over and over!) and I wanted them to acknowledge how painful it was and how sorry they were- and they allowed me to do that.

It made me realise that if someone you are close to suffers a bereavement, you should have a conversation with them soonest - something that, without personal experience, I probably hadn't done previously (other than a sympathy card). My thinking was they need space/time to grieve/it's too early.

But it is never unwelcome and always appreciated. You cannot make the bereaved person feel any worse. (Unless you really put your foot in it, eg 'I never liked him much'!!)

Some people I thought I was close to did not reach out. I was resentful at the time, but I have learned to let it go and now actually, I also can't remember exactly who rang me and who didn't. But I remember the sentiment and I try to carry that forward.

When my DF died I was like the poster who couldn’t be around her FIL. When first Father’s Day after DF died came round I helped DS celebrate it with DH, but I could not have coped with FIL being there. I wouldn’t have stopped DH seeing him but I wouldn’t have joined them. Obviously as time passed I became close to him again

Sorry for your loss OP.

I can't help but think of it the other way around. A thread where someone's mil had been over with flowers and sympathy etc and the OP was posting upset about mil overstepping / disrespecting their dms memory.

So really and truly I think MIL can't do right for doing wrong. If she contacts you she's overstepping, making it about her, being insensitive etc. If she sends a polite message via her son and tries to give you space and the opportunity to reach out on your own terms if and when you want to, she's uncaring and cold.

If you assume ignorance rather than ill intent on people that will help.

I think decide if you want to spend time with MIL at this point in time or not. If you do then reach out. If you don't then don't. IMO MIL has been thoughtful, by not getting in your personal space at this time.

Don’t be too harsh on her, she asked after you and sent her love through dh and now she is giving space. my mum took a step back when mil died as she didn’t want to step on toes and wanted to give dh time to adjust and grieve.
at first, i even went to another room to phone my mum as dh and his mum spoke most nights on the phone and I felt awkward speaking to my own mum when he couldn’t speak to his anymore.

Oh come on. Every time there's a MIL post we get "you don't seem to like her".
This is incredibly insensitive. OP is grieving for her mother who she lost unexpectedly. She would have liked some warmth from her MIL but that isn't forthcoming. Nothing suggests she doesn't like her and even if that's true, sniping at her on here won't help.

Loosing your mum is incredibly painful and I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think a lot of people just don't know what to say when someone dies and so don't say anything. Or their worried about saying the wrong thing.
Also it's possible she doesn't want to intrude and is waiting for you to make the first move
But try not to worry about MIL, you do what you need to to get through this.

I don't really understand all the posts making excuses.
Mil should have contacted you directly, even if it was just a text to say sorry for your loss/thinking of you.
There's no excuse for that.

I'm so sorry for your loss x Personally, I think a hand-written note/card from her at the time would have hit the spot, and now a message asking if there's anything she can do to help would be thoughtful. But, we're all different and I'm not sure I've always reacted thoughtfully in certain situations.
When my darling sister died a sudden death (we're in our 70s so not youngsters), my darling DIL's parents wrote me a wonderful note remembering the only 2 occasions they'd met her and saying lovely things - gosh, if only we were all like that! Anyway, please don't hold it against her, perhaps her son could ask her if she's contacted you recently to jog her into action? X

I would normally agree with the idea she's giving you space, but to not even ask your partner how her grandchild is doing in a month is a lot.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. x. I'm going to say, as others have, that your MIL may believe that the best thing at the moment is to give you space. She may not know what to say. She may have had experiences in the past with trying to reach out to someone in grief and finding that it was the wrong thing to do.

Please don't make any major decisions about your relationship with her right now, while you are still very deep in grief. Give yourself time and space and be kind to yourself, and then contact her when you're ready.

Im sorry to hear your MIL hasnt reached out directly to you. Some people deal with death/grief differently and in their own way.

There's a possibility she may be conscious of her own mortality and by avoiding it, it's 'out of sight, out of mind'. I'm not saying it's right and it's disappointing that she hasn't contacted you but it maybe an explanation as to why she's keeping away.

MIL and I get on pretty well, she’s had Dd for two days a week since she was one until she went to school at four. We have a group WhatsApp which we use to share pics and general chat. We’ve had dinners together

Where on earth are you getting 'dislike' from?

Why be so horrible to the OP who is grieving? There is nothing in her post to indicate that she doesn't like her MIL.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Going against the grain here, I think that your MIL is massively out of order.

I don't think it takes much to even send something as small as a quick text to say 'I'm so sorry, you are in my thoughts, please let me know if you need anything'

It's actually fairly easy to be supportive without being overbearing.

I can see why you are hurt.

@ohthejoys21
After bereavement,people often don't want to talk about their grief to anyone. I hated friends sending me condolence cards. I made it too real at a time when I was struggling with overwhelming grief. It was all too raw and completely unimaginable that this terrible thing had happened. Time heals and it gradually becomes possible to acknowledge what has happened.
For the first six months I wanted to be alone with my grief. I did not want people casually mentioning it to me. It is so hard to lose a loved one.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, it's especially painful when you don't have siblings to share it with. The five stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance- can be useful to chart your way through this very sad time, and these stages shift back and forth.

Maybe you are angry at the loss of your dear mum and projecting onto your MIL, who hasn't been very forthcoming with words of support for whatever reason. If you generally have a good relationship, try to move past this. Your emotions are understandably all over the place due to grief, but try to keep on good terms for the future and for your child and family moving forwards.

God you sound absolutely awful. Is jumping to conclusions part of your exercise routine? You’re clearly very good at it.

OP, your mother in law should have reached out to you. I can’t understand people who don’t. I’m so sorry for your loss. Some people just let you down I’m afraid.

You are clearly the OPPOSITE of your username.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 I lost my mum and had to arrange the funeral on my own so I know how difficult it can be. I think that death is a difficult one, I know I’m guilty of managing it badly in the past. It’s difficult to know what to say, if to say anything, sometimes you think space might be best.

Im on the spectrum and probably would have done the same, passed on my condolences through DH and given you some space to process. If your MIL is a bit reclusive you might find she also has some processing difficulties, maybe shes just giving you space rather than intentionally withdrawing support when you need it most.

I’m so sorry for your loss. This happened with my mother in law when my brother died suddenly and at a young age. Our families had been intertwined for 20 years and she didn’t reach out to me or my parents, or offer help with the children when we needed it most. In fact when my husband called with the news she set off to an all weekend music festival despite being 10 minutes down the road from us!

I realise now it was to do with her own problems around death but a year on it still hurts a lot and I don’t see us ever having the same relationship. It’s the feeling that someone you thought you could rely on didn’t step up when it matters. However, I have learned to cherish those who were there for us as a family and to make sure we are as mindful as possible when helping others in times of tragedy.

Try to focus on your own healing and remembering your mum and not channel it into unhelpful anger.

So sorry for your loss. I agree with PP, she's somewhere on the spectrum between being uncomfortable and awkward around death, and not wanting to say the wrong thing or be insensitive. Possibly she wants to keep distance and wait for a signal from you, in case it's upsetting for you to see her in the role of granny now that your mum isn't around. Your partner should be giving her a nudge.

That's absolutely bizarre, I'm sorry but there's no excuse whatsoever, including "she didn't know what to say". You say something, whatever it is, you reach out. I wouldn't forgive her for this. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

How on earth did you reach that interpretation?

Referencing your name, I’d suggest that this is one occasion when you have been unreasonable.

OP, I’d let your DH handle this. She should certainly have sent a card by now. Mine would have sent a card and flowers.

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Having lost both my parents I now appreciate how difficult it is for you or for others to know what to say or do to help you. She’s probably giving you some space, thinking of you daily, aware she could be a reminder of your lost maternal relationship, possibly cautious that as a MiL (which I am) it’s so easy to hit the wrong note.
You need her. Reach out to her and tell her. She’ll be there for you.