To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

She's a good person. Don't over-think this.

my gut reaction is to just never speak to her again and let my partner organise anything with Dd. However, she’s just lost one grandparent, I don’t want her to have any barriers to her relationship with her other.

This is grief speaking. You know that this would be a massive MASSIVE over-reaction, right? When this woman has been nothing but kind and thoughtful to you until this?

Talk to your partner (without being critical of his mum) and say that you're confused by her not contacting you, and does he think she's worried about being tactless. Maybe he could then just let her know that you'd be pleased to hear from her

@Pluvia we are all different. Couldn't cope with phone calls when my DF died. All people would have heard was me sobbing down the phone!

I wonder how DH responded to MIL, maybe that has influenced how she has reacted.

I'm so sorry for your loss, that's spectacularly shit of her. My mum died last year and I'd of been feeling the same in your situation if my mil had done this. What I did realise is some people I didn't expect it from, were so supportive and some I did think would be there, weren't. I think some people are rubbish with death. It doesn't make it okay. You need to do whatever you feel is best for you going forward with regards to your mother in law.

It was addressed to the OP via her partner - "MIL asked partner to pass on x and y".

Not to the OP though? Or did I misunderstand?

She did send a message with no expectation of reply....

...she did send a message of longer than six or seven words though? The OP received the message in a timely fashion.

have you seen her yet face to face? Maybe she is waiting until she sees you to say something.

i am very sorry for your loss.

I'm the opposite, when my mam died MIL inserted herself and it was very intrusive.

She crashed the wake and ended up offending several people by going on and on and on to strangers about how hard it is to be 'old' and how 'aging is awful' baring in mind we where at a fairly young person who died of cancers funeral.

There was just a complete lack of awareness.

Things like helping watch the kids while you sort things are great ways to be supportive but honestly 'reaching out with sympathies' usually just ends in saying the wrong thing etc...

I don't understand this reply - she absolutely did reach out, she immediately sent a personalised message of condolence and affection to the OP via her son.

If there had been no contact at all your answer would be applicable, but not here.

I don’t know what goes on in these people’s heads OP.

my DS was in NiCU for a month. (His sister is the only other gc MIL has so she’s not swimming in grandchildren)

my mil in law didn’t come to see us or the baby.
And she didn’t text let alone call me to see how I was or offer a kind word.
Not once.

she’d genuinely be likely show more care and concern to a stranger.
its just bizarre.

Only advice is try not to fixate on it.
and also take it as a clear sign as to where you stand.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

I think your MiL for whatever reason hadn't felt able to show you support, and you're not unreasonable to feel hurt by this. Both can be true.

For validation if nothing else, my uncle passed away a couple of weeks ago (died 'young' from cancer). Told my MiL when we saw her and literally all she said to me was "oh. But you knew he was ill". None of the conventional 'I'm so sorry to hear that, are you ok?' etc. And coming from someone who lost their own younger sibling to cancer and was devastated by this. I've always sent her a message after any sad news she has received to let her know I was thinking about her. I was initially angry and upset, but told myself I have support from my DH, I don't need it from his family and will now know not to expect it from them going forward.

She's giving her DIL a month's space? You're really scraping the barrel there, looking for excuses for unforgivable behaviour.

Like a previous poster, I hugely appreciated all the people who, instead of wimping out of facing a potentially uncomfortable conversation, picked up the phone to talk to me when my parents died. It didn't have to be a long conversation, but they phoned me because they were concerned about me as well as wanting to say they were sad about my mum or dad dying and those stilted chats were a great comfort to me.

@RosesAndHellebores not everyone wants flowers at this time. It's something else you have to think about and then they die

I do really think though that even with arranging funerals, flying to places, dealing with messages etc as the OP had to, there is ALWAYS time to talk about a loved one. Always time to acknowledge grief. Always space to send a message with no expectation of a reply. It's unchartered territory and terribly sad. But even worse if you feel like you are navigating it alone.

She should jolly well have sent a card and a bunch of flowers "always here when you need me - let me know if there's anything I can do at this time".

TBF my MIL would be doing what your MIL is doing and has. She doesn't cope with life events. Partbof marriage is learning how partners and their families deal with the big stuff. It isn't always easy.

@Popandcrackle

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Your MIL's lack of response is appalling. You are part of her family, the mother of her grandchild, and you've suffered a major bereavement that she's decided to ignore. It's appalling manners and it tells you something important about her.

She could have gone to a shop, bought a card, written six or seven words and posted it to you. She could have sent flowers with a note. She didn't have to speak to you one-to-one or come over to see you. I've really had enough of the argument that she might not 'do' death and grief and people trying to make excuses for her. She's a self-centred, cowardly woman who cannot extend a basic courtesy to a family member.

Judge others not on what they say and do but on how they behave. It's deeds, not words, that matter. Her behaviour is execrable.

Sorry for your loss @Popandcrackle.

I lost DM last year and although they had separated when I was a kid I heard very little from DF afterwards. Sometimes you just need some support, no matter how small, and you do feel let down when it's not forthcoming.

My DD’s partner lost his father at the end of last month unexpectedly and he had to fly back home for the funeral. I didn’t message him directly as I knew he was really busy and had loads of messages to deal with plus the logistics of a long haul flight and funeral a long distance away so asked DD to pass on how extremely sorry we are and that we are thinking of him and gave her money so she could order in food in the few days before he flew out in the hope it might make things just a tiny bit less stressful for him . I’ve been supporting DD so she can support him as she was pretty shocked.

Im my experience the initial support from loads of people fades away after a bit. We will be here for him in the long term and I think that’s more when our role comes into play . He may well be spending Christmas with us and we will do everything we can to help him get through that. Maybe she is thinking similarly and giving you space for now ? It is hard how best to approach things, especially if it was unexpected.

I am so sorry for your loss 💐

YANBU. I had almost the same experience when my dad died. I found it so hurtful and almost an insult to him personally. It took me almost a year to stop feeling angry about it. I didn't burn any bridges, but I did reassess my relationship with some of my in-laws and I'm definitely not as close to them as I was before he died.

@Popandcrackle it may not be lack of thought but as I and others have said giving you space, so thinking you only want to be with your family Maybe she is waiting for DH to contact her to say you are able to have a chat with her. Did she attend the funeral?

I’m afraid I think you’re being unreasonable, and in danger of causing an irreparable and very sad breach between your little family and DH's wider family. Totally understandable, after your awful loss, but imo your current grief is leading you to interpret her (non-)actions in a way that really isn’t logical.

It’s not as if she hasn't said anything at all. She sent you a really lovely message via her son. She probably thinks you wouldn't welcome her intruding on your grief. She has read the situation wrongly, and definitely should have contacted you personally, but a lot of people shy away from interacting with bereaved people because they don’t know what to say and are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Then the longer they leave it, the harder it gets because they feel embarrassed.

Yes, she is definitely in the wrong, but please don’t punish her, your DH and your DC because of it for ever.

Your DH needs to tell her you would welcome a message or a visit from her. (If she still did nothing, that would make things very different.)

I’m sure she’s just giving you some space. If shes been through a bereavement before she may have wanted space for herself at that time so that’s what she’s giving to you.

When mil died, DP didn’t want to have to reply to messages, it was too much.

Give her the benefit of the doubt.

???
Talk about seing issues where there is none 🙄