To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

Well, when my mother died, only one person sent a sympathy card and one sent some flowers. It was during COVID, and whilst I was initially angry about it, I realised it was a horrific situation for all, and let it go. When my father died, pretty much the same thing. When I retired, my union gave me a nice sendoff, and two colleagues got me some cards and presents. Most others ignored it. 🙄

People don't think sometimes, and sometimes people don't know what to say or do when someone dies. If your MIL has been lovely otherwise, I would let it go for now. If you seethe with resentment over it, after a while, you are only punishing yourself. If you go NC, you and your children will suffer in the long run. If you are still upset after a few months, talk to her and clear the air. You may find she didn't know what to say, or didn't want to interfere.

For what it is worth, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss, and sending some good thoughts and some virtual flowers to you.🌺🌻🌷

Take care

Similar experience, and had this just a few days ago.

Someone local, who I am sure knows every last detail, stared at us from across the road, then very pointedly looked away as we crossed. It was very obvious. And yes, hurtful.

Please don't do this. A subtle nod or gentle smile of acknowledgement are fine.

As a PP said, real support come from the most unexpected places. I told few people what had happened, and some were useless, I regret saying anything. But a couple of others, an ex and a new work contact, immediately offered to visit me/for me to visit them, and have a walk, coffee, talk or not talk. I was really impressed by their active, generous kindness.

I came on to say exactly this. My friend’s brother killed himself; she used to say how upsetting it was to see people cross the street to avoid her. She knew it was because they didn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset her, but found it terribly hurtful nonetheless. I wonder if this is your MIL too?

I have made a mistake similar to your MIL. My SIL’s family had very difficult and life altering health diagnosis. If it had been me I know I would have wanted to be left alone as I hate having to deal with people when I am upset, so after an initial message to say I was sorry to hear I gave her space. However she was upset that I wasn’t in touch more, perceiving it as a lack of support. Fortunately someone gave me a nudge, I apologised and now I know she likes messages and visitors etc so I make sure I act accordingly and give her the type of support she needs.

As you get on well generally I’d assume her intentions are good even if the actions aren’t right for you. Perhaps you could ask your husband to give her a nudge and some guidance.

Same thing happened to me when my mother died. DM knew, but never alluded it to again, even when she was alone with me a month later. I had to tell DH that it was very hurtful and she made some allusion to it then, but that was it. Some people are just unable to handle the topic of death respectfully, sadly. It is unacceptable, and you will bring up your own children better, but there's nothing you can do about your MIL at this point in her life.

I'm very sorry for your own loss though.

Yep, I imagined this scenario too.

There’s no rule book.

Some of us would need space and some would need regular communication.

We all know it’s a fucking tender time and do our best not to poke the wounds in the way we see fit.

It isn't personal. She is being dumb but I wouldn't take it to heart.

Sorry about your mum OP 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to have this in your head on top of everything else.

I do think people assume everyone is like them and will want what they want in difficult situations. So some will send flowers as it would be a great comfort to them, unaware that the recipient hates being surrounded by fading bouquets.

Others will phone, unaware that it's the last thing the person can deal with at the moment and a card or message without need to reply would have been much better.

If your response is the majority response (appreciate a call, want people to stay in touch, find flowers a tangible and welcome sign of how you are loved and your loved one is being remembered), then you're much more likely to get it right. For those of us who have the minority response (just want to withdraw, find having to repond "correctly" to people just checking in exhausting and unhelpful) we have to be more careful not to offend and it's difficult to judge.

I suspect your mil responded as she would have liked to have been treated and didn't mean to hurt you, but it doesn't stop it hurting none the less.

So sorry for the unexpected loss of your mum, OP - you must be devastated. I don't understand your MIL's behaviour, especially as she's been so caring beforehand. I would just distance yourself from her/it for now, and let your DH deal with her for a bit.

Sending you love 💐

I agree with @Nothinglikeagoodbook’s take. OP, your MIL misread the room in this instance, and thought you would not want to hear from her directly now. I’m sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t make any big decisions about cutting off contact when you’re feeling so raw.

I lost my mum suddenly in march, I posted something very similar in the bereavement channel not long ago about my MIL.

Nearly 6 months on from my bereavement and you will see kindness and support from the most unexpected places and nothing from those you expect it most from.
I have learnt a HUGE amount recently over how people react to these types of situations. Some people are scared of it happening to them, or don't know what to say, or are scared of upsetting you.
Please don't over react to her silence, however I know very well how you just be feeling (anger, frustrated aside from the whole grief package)
Give it some time and entirely focus on your recovery. Time will give those who want to support you the opportunity to.

This is so awful, I couldn't not comment. I'm so sorry your MIL was so terrible to you at such a horrible time. I hope the memories of your step-dad are a comfort x

I also expect she might feel awkward as your ‘mother’ in law and may not want to overstep or trigger.
I’d be hurt myself if this happened to me but unless she’s generally just awkward around death I’d assume it’s this. 💐

I think she did initially reach out through your DH. I suspect the reason she hasn't since then is she feels awkward, you have just lost your Mum, she doesn't want you to think she is trying to step into that role. I imagine if you or your DH speak to her she will be happy to help and support but she may just be waiting for a cue from you.

Sorry for your loss OP

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think some people just struggle with death and don’t know how to deal with it. She passed the message on through DH so probably thinks that was adequate and doesn’t wish to bother you? Your relationship sounds pretty good so I’d try not to overthink it, I’m sure she means no harm.

First of all, I am sorry about your mum. I too am an only child and lost my mum in the summer. Although MiL was one of the first people who heard the news I haven't heard anything from her and I didn't really expect to. As couples our parents were quite close, going on holiday together, spending time together socially and when DH and I both lost our DF's within six months of each other the two DM's talked a lot. But I don't think it occurred to MiL to contact me to see how I am. We have spoken since. We chat over Whatsapp regularly but no card or call to see how I am.

It's not necessity or behaviour. She sent a lovely message via her son. Maybe she now just feels she should give OP space.

Death is so hard. We are all different when it comes to grief. Some of us crave warmth from others, some want to be left alone and not 'pestered'. Some appreciate flowers, others hate them, as they're a reminder. It's so easy to do the wrong thing, that some just play it safe. It doesn't mean they don't care.

Encouraging OP in thoughts of going no contact with her MIL are unnecessary and unkind

Some people people just lack empathy unfortunately. When my mil’s father died it was during covid, but I rang, texted and sent a beautiful bouquet of very expensive white roses (her favourite). She went on afterwards about how much she loved receiving so many bouquets.

When my stepfather died she bought me a 2.50 Sainsburys candle (I’m allergic to scent, which she knows) and then said some stuff about stepparents not being real parents so not the same grief (he’s been in my life since age 4 and the father to my sibling) that I had to work hard not to tell her to fuck off.

When I had her first grandchild she turned up empty handed and said other people will buy you flowers and the baby gifts so I’m not going to bother. Righto. She’s my DH’s problem now, he has a fairly low contact relationship with her and I’ve gone completely no contact (for reasons other than this, she did and said some very nasty things, though her attitude earlier should have been a major red flag).

Previous posters are really grasping at straws, one brief message through her husband to the mother of her grandchildren is really really crap. I’d do more for work colleagues.

I wouldn’t go no contact yet, but I’d drop the rope, leave all wife work to your DH concerning her and keep your expectations very low and only both going to things with her if you can be bothered.

That's so lame, asking someone else to pass a message on. This isn't someone she barely knows, it's her DIL and basic good manners apply.

People seem to have their standards bar for decent behaviour set incredibly low.

My DIL shut down completely when her parent died, wouldn't see me or any relatives. We let her be until it had passed. Our son and her children were the only contact she wanted.

Death does affect people in different ways

So sorry for the loss of your Mum, OP. It must be devastating.

MIL's reaction is weird and upsetting, no doubt about it. But, as others have said, some people just cannot handle death and communications around it. Maddening but true. I think you will regret going NC - she sounds like a good person who just hasn't responded well to this. Maybe in time there will be an opportunity to talk about the fact that you'd like to have heard from her. But, for now, I hope you can manage to put it to the back of your mind and just focus on looking after yourself.

FWIW, my DF died suddenly when I was quite young. I went to stay with the family of my boyfriend at the time very soon after and I thought it was the weirdest thing that no-one said a word about it. He didn't think anything of it.

How often does your DH speak to his mum? Has he not spoken to her in 4 weeks @Popandcrackle

Your feelings are valid - don’t let people explain away your MIL’s poor behavior.

they may be reasons for that behavior but you are perfectly right to feel let down by her lack of compassion.

it’s awful when people disappoint us at such an awful time:

She HAS reached out! Via her son. People don't know how to deal with death, as some people want people to rally round them, others want to be left alone, it's very difficult to know what to do for the best in these situations.

All it sounds like is that you and her have different ways of dealing with it, which is nobody's fault. She passed on her condolences and assured you that you are a part of their family. I personally think that's lovely.