To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

Neither of you is wrong. Or maybe both of you are. There's no one answer, as every grieving person is different. You both need to be flexible in your thinking and your responses.

My mum has always said about giving people privacy and space. I’ve always argued that people grieving need everyone more than ever. We will never see eye to eye on it

Gosh! Obviously some very mixed up feelings from your DIL's family. I wonder whether your son agreed that you'd 'overstepped the mark'? It's a minefield sometimes being a MIL x

Exactly this!! No idea how this interpretation was reached

@Almostneverunreasonable

what? Where did you get all this from? Did you read her OP? I’m so sorry for your loss OP

I'm not sure what to tell you. I reached out to my daughter-in-law and her mother when her grandmother died. I sent sympathy cards to her mother because I didn't know her well and she was long distance. I called and spoke to my daughter-in-law.

They both told my son that I overstepped bounds by offering condolences. So I'm not sure what advice to offer you.

Could it be that she doesn't know what to say or doesn't want to say anything in case she unintentionally upsets you. I never know what to say to someone who has lost someone close & usually offer a huge hug.

Exactly this

This. I think she is purposely not trying to overstep and step into surrogate mother, only grandmother left role. I am very sorry for your loss but I do think this feeling is to do with your current feelings of loss and sadness... she has reached out to you via DH after all

I can see this from both sides.

Yes you are feeling very sensitive and raw right now, rightfully so. Its been four years since I lost my Mum and still around the anniversary I fall back into that prickly tearful state.
Allow yourself to grieve, don't jump to conclusions about your MIL. The dynamics are complicated,

Yes your MIL could have reached out to you. BUT perhaps she is acutely aware of how close you and your dm were and is mindful of intruding to much / being seen as stepping on toes etc.

My MIL still gets very quiet around me over those few days every year. And we are very close. She just doesn't know "the right thing" to say so perhaps wisely chooses to say little.
Maybe you could ask dh to pass on your thanks and to suggest she reach out, that you would like her to.

Give yourself time and space to process your emotions. Gentle hugs and beyond sorry for your loss.

I've been through grief too many times and this always happens
So often the people closest go into hiding until they feel you're out of the trenches.
And the ones you thought were acquaintances go above and beyond.
Every time

It's not ideal at all but like others have suggested it's probably because she's awkward and doesn't know what to say.
I live in the UK but I have family in Turkey and in laws in Portugal and find those countries are much approachable regarding death. The people in the UK are SUPER awkward about it where it's so cringe.
If I were you I'd speak to her about it though at some point or else you'll hold on to that resentment for a looooooong time.

My brother dried suddenly and tragically in his thirties, I had been with my husband around 12 years at that point, neither of my sisters in law got in touch or sent a card. They had met him, but even if they hadn’t this is a member of their brothers close family, uncle to their nieces and nephews…how could they not reach out. A text or if you don’t feel confident enough just a card to say thinking of you…it costs so little. I was so hurt and felt like it really showed how much they thought (or didn’t think) of me. We are civil but I will never forget their lack of empathy to a young family in a tragic situation.

I agree with this.

I think at a time of bereavement it’s important to support the bereaved outside of your own feelings of awkwardness or “not being able” to deal with it. It’s not about MIL, it’s about you.

Id not be able to teach out either. In a similar scenario, my DH asked directly why they hadn’t been in contact and maybe a check in would be the nice thing to do. Which they did. It was the best I was going to get but it did mean something. YANBU and I’m sorry for you loss x

losing your mum is so hard. grief is exhausting and your emotions can make you get the situation seem worse than it is. that will go for everything. even petty things like someone queue jumping.
if you can message her saying sorry not been in touch feeling so sad and overwhelmed at moment hopefully that might get her to respond. i’m sure it’s just awkwardness. i’m mean it’s just so difficult knowing what to say with bereavements big hugs

Totally recognise and appreciate your unmet expectations OP and I am very sorry for your loss. I lost a sibling during lockdown and my MIL similarly went completely NC - it was cruel, weird and completely unsupportive with a large dose of ‘my grief taking centre stage from her’ through that time. I called it out and asked why not so much as a card, a phonecall, flowers - nada. No acknowledgement whatsoever. All I got was hysteria - how dare I call her out-I was clearly mad - ‘you lot’ are obsessed with grief. ( This was the sudden and tragic death of a young parent of two children). I found the whole thing so upsetting and downright disappointing - shocking actually. I have gone full no contact now and it doesn’t bother me. I get that some people just don’t know how to ‘be’ around death. And that’s fine if you are a teenager who hasn’t perhaps experienced it previously or know how to activate your empathy. It’s not okay for a mother and grandmother to behave like this.

Maybe reach our and tell her? She might think she's giving you space to grieve or be unsure what to say.

You might need to tell her what you need

Oh OP I am so sorry, you must be feeling so adrift right now 💐

I lost a little boy at 13 days old and got blanked, shunned and ghosted by countless friends and acquaintances. People don’t know how to deal with death, so they ignore it, and you by default. All about her and not you I promise. But I know that’s not what you need when a few comforting words and a little care goes a long way - hugs

How appalling. I would've kicked her out straightaway.

Doesn't sound like she cares very much. My mum has become a bit like this as she's become elderly. She's 80 now and doesn't care about anything or anyone except herself. I'm not saying that's how it is for all old people - obviously not! But it could be the case.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

I’m afraid I don’t agree that phone calls after a bereavement are never unwelcome. I hated them. I didn’t want to talk to people saying the same things over and over again and expecting me to tell them details I didn’t want to talk about. I wanted to be able to mourn on my own terms, in my own way, not theirs. I felt some people were phoning because they were thinking about what would make them feel better, not about whether they were sure I would welcome the calls.

I much preferred it when people sent sympathy cards, most of which I didn’t feel the need to respond to. We're all different.

I think that sums it up. I'm very aware that my response to grief and loss isn't everyone's. So I massively overthink how to respond to other people's losses. And then still get it wrong, I suspect.

OP, of you withdraw as you plan, this will only get worse. It won't help your grief. Negotiating this long path, you need people beside you. And given how thoughtful your MIL has been in the past, there's no reason to think that she won't ultimately be a positive companion.

Communication is key when people have accidentally got it wrong @Popandcrackle . So get your DH to pass along the message that you'd like to hear from her, and that you need some support. Have something positive come out of this, and don't add more negativity into your life.

I would give her benefit of the doubt, she passed on love via your DP and I suspect is of belief to give you space and that you’re close enough that you’d reach out to her. Perhaps there is also something of it flagging her own mortality that makes her uncomfortable. But I don’t think she’s done anything that suggests wilfully mean.

For what it's worth OP, your MIL may just be doing what she'd want in the same circumstances.

When my Mum died I found DPs family a bit overwhelming. What I mostly wanted was to be left alone, and while their messages and phone calls were obviously well meaning, I wish they'd just passed them on via DP and left it for me to get in touch when I was ready. If felt the same about work mates etc getting in touch. The only people I really was comfortable speaking to at that time was DP, my brother, and one or two really close friends.

So your MILs response would have been perfect for me, but not for you. I imagine if you question your husband about it, she's probably asking after you frequently.

I initially thought that my MIL was lovely and she was great when I had my first baby. Then my mum died completely unexpectedly when my baby was 4 months' old. My MIL then began to be really horrible to me. It was as though she didn't have any competition and she could be as unkind as she liked with no repercussions as she was the only grandmother my baby had.