Family drama ...My mother has disowned me

Another one to say keep on doing what you're doing. You're doing the right thing.

I have no family apart from my daughter as I'm NC with my 'family' due to toxic manipulation by my DM who has hated on me since my birth. Therapist suspects borderline personality disorder too. I tried for years to get my family to like me, or even respect me, complete waste of time, my mother was controlling the narrative.

My daughter is now an adult and I can honestly say she doesn't miss or even mention family. She has me (her dad went AWOL when he remarried) and a good group of solid friends. My partner is more like a dad to her.

It's actually more common than you think to be estranged and I'd rather enjoy the peace than trauma a lot of my friends experience with family.

You sound inspirational. Trust your instincts- you are obviously a good, reflective person and a great mum. No small achievement when you’ve not experienced good parenting yourself.

I'm sorry for what you've been through. Don't get in contact. Don't feel guilty about your DD.

I don't have a family situation that exactly equates to yours but I can tell you from experience that when things like personality disorder and cruel behaviour are a factor, not having that person in your life is bound to be better for you and your DD. It's hard not to have close lifelong connections, more so as an adult because children are generally adaptable and accepting, and there's a huge benefit for people who have lifelong ties - but those absolutely don't need to be blood relatives. A close friend of yours or a neighbour who cares about DD can be that person, or a friend she makes in childhood. I think you can probably best support her by doing what you can to give the best chance of those ties and nurturing the ties you have.

Your child does not need either your family or his to be complete and is absolutely not missing anything by not having them in her life!
her father hurt you very badly and so has your mother so if anything you are being a hugely better mother protecting her from their toxic abusive influence.

You are teaching her that a person only deserves a place in her life when they are safe and appropriate to be there. That you and her are worth better than giving people space who will abuse and take from you both. You are teaching her that her worth is paramount going into adulthood and she should only give space to people who deserve one.

think forward to 20 30 40 years when she won’t let men treat her badly and won’t allow friends to take advantage or get into situations where bosses and colleagues bully her because you instilled proper boundaries and values and taught her her worth!

we are taught that family is needed and it’s a grave problem to not have them in our life but family can take various forms it doesn’t have to be the bloodline you are born into @ThinkingUpsideDown
family to her will be the people in her life growing up, the safe lovely people you expose her to and choose to share your and her life with.

We are socialised to think and feel emotionally (combined with our genetic programming) that we are always meant to have our family and parents in our lives no matter how nice or nasty they are or the consequences they bring us. That no matter the circumstances we should always try to have a relationship with them even if that knowingly brings abuse into our lives.
many people never get out of that child needing a parent thinking even many years into adulthood.

it’s absolutely not true but it takes some hard thinking to change that in our brains.

you need to take a massive massive step back and really think about the reality rather than being stuck in the emotional need and expectation of the should.

if this was any other human that you met you wouldn’t think twice about cutting yourself off from that treatment but because it’s family and your mother you feel you should keep trying and trying and wanting things to be different.
infact you should start to view her as just another human with the expectations you would hold another human to it’ll make it easier to enforce your boundaries.

you deserve peace in your life and that will only come when you let go of what you think you should have and decide to build a life in the reality rather than the dream.

im sorry you like so many people have been let down so unforgivably but I hope you can build something new and better because you deserve it.

You're doing what you think is right at the time to preserve your peace and that of your child.

You're not seeking a relationship with the child's father; for similar reasons when it comes down to it; because youre preserving your own space, sanity and safety (mental and physical). Same with your mum.

You're justified in what you're doing.

Contuine to avoid her.
You and your daughter will find good genuine friends who can be extended family.

I'm so sorry that your mother has treated you like this 😔 it doesn't sound like trying to repair the relationship will work - you have done nothing wrong and the problem is her personality which won't change. I wouldn't want her in my daughter's life.

The two of you are a family and you are enough! Your daughter is loved and cared for and won't miss having an extended family. Create your own support system with close friends and neighbours. There are many many lonely older people who would love a bit of company. I think Age UK might do a 'befriending' scheme you could look into. Encourage your little one to be sociable and have her friends over to your house frequently. Family relationships are often fraught and you are by no means unusual so please don't blame yourself and feel that you have let your daughter down. You didn't choose the mother you were given, none of this is your fault 💐

You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about
it sounds like a cliche but is true - family doesn’t have to mean blood relatives

wrt your worries about what she might draw for “her family” I have worked in nursery and reception classes and there is always a huge range of what makes a family- children only know about being loved and cared about so put your mind at rest

don’t try to reconnect with your mum because you think it’s good for your daughter

I'd make sure you have some family history written down- a family tree maybe, print out photos and make an album with captions, so that there's no mystery about it all if your dd wants to know about these things. But in terms of relationships, I would focus more on keeping that contact with your uncle going, as that sounds like it could be something that works even if at a low level.

If you buried all this pain from your mother, all the ways she’s let you down just to make a way of your dc having connections with her, mark my words, she’d hurt your child to hurt you.

been there. Got the T-shirt

you didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it. You’ve got 1 job; to protect your child.

Freinds are the family that we choose.
Find a lonely local old lady who would love and cherish you and your child and invest your time in her.
Seriously, don't expose your child to your toxic mother or waste your time and energy on her she is clearly got something going on you will not be able to influence.

Slightly different but I’m NC with my Dad and my daughter has asked about it on and off since she was 3 (she’s 4.5). I kept it age appropriate but explained he wasn’t very nice to me or my mum, and so we don’t see him as he might not be nice to her. As she gets older I’ll explain it as she needs to know more. You have protected your daughter from someone who sounds toxic and negative, for the betterment of you both!

My mother cut me out of her life 5 years ago, the reasons are sketchy but mainly because I don't agree with her extreme views on conspiracy theories. She was also a pretty crappy parent to me though (she's abusive). I have two brothers that live with her, they are 34 and 27, they have never been able to do any wrong by her of course.

I have a daughter who is almost 10. It hasn't affected her at all, she asked about her the other day as I mentioned my mother in front of her (it's a not secret or anything, I've always been open and honest with her), she asked what she looked like and why we don't see her, I told her what she looked like and that we don't see her because she's not a very nice person and that was it. My daughter isn't bothered, she was more confused as she doesn't remember her but I explained it's no big thing, she's not missing out.

I am currently pregnant which my mother knows as my family have reconnected recently, I have no interest in inviting her back into my life. My life is so calm and predictable compared to what it was before. My mental health is the best it's ever been. Sometimes it upsets me that she treated my brothers so differently to me throughout my life but I'm not going to beg someone to be in my life when they have no interest in being nice to me, let alone a parental figure.

I should also add that I don't know my dad. My DP has a dad but he's not really in our DDs life other than the occasional lift to school. It makes me sadder thinking of how my nan and grandad were when I was growing up and that DD hasn't experienced the same affection but it doesn't affect DD not having grandparents that show interest.

YANBU to want to provide your DD with a family; but contact with your mother wouldn't do that. My DS is in the same boat as your DD. It is sad, but he's OK and he realises that he has been better off than he would have been in a bad relationship.

I really wouldn't bother about getting in touch, it would be a nightmare. Perhaps write everything down as you have here and file it away somewhere safe. You might feel better getting it all off your chest and equally at some stage years from now you could consider giving it to her, or discussing with her, just how you came to being estranged. It sounds like you are doing well and leaving home was the best thing you could have done.

You sound like a lovely mum, btw.

Would a relationship with someone that volatile and unreasonable ever be beneficial to your daughter though? What if you put all the effort into building bridges only to see your daughter being subject to the same emotional manipulation, Fear, Obligation and Guilt?

Build up your networks with people you aren't genetically related to. Make them your 'found family'. Support your DD to make meaningful friendships and cultivate friendships with the parents of your DD's friends. Be generous with your time and effort and throw yourself wholeheartedly into your community. That will create more love for your DD than trying to change a narcissist.

Aww, you've done what you could with your mum, she's shown you what she's like. Her loss. Are you going to baby groups, that kind of thing? Build your friendship group and keep trying with your DBro. You and he should be able to have your own relationship outside of any relationship with your DM. My twins have just started to - they're 30!

It sounds like you have so much to deal with and your mother could not even bother to support you or want to meet your child.

Frankly you are better off with someone like that out of your life.

I would guess that she is annoyed that you moved away and out of her control and she is 'punishing' you for doing that.

People like that are best left alone with their delusions and manipulations...

Absolutely not, she will be better with no grandparent than having your Mum in her life.