Why aren't any of the school mums ' normal ' ??

Hello fello blue Vauxhall (2008) casual workwear mum! I see you.

I think op that mum friends can be difficult because the ONLY common factor you have that connects you and puts you in each others paths in the first place is the fact you both have kids the same age. So you're not connecting over your own hobbies/interests/values etc you're sort of just thrown together because your kids have been thrown together and you're trying to make something work organically that isn't really that organic

Totally agree with this! I have many friends still from school/college and we just gravitated towards each other because we have similar interests, very similar sense of humour, enjoy talking about the same topics etc so there was a reason for us to like each other's company in the first place. Thats what drew us together.

With school mums, the main common theme is that you both have kids the same age. I made no mum friends at all at the school gates. Not because they were horrible or anything but just because we simply didnt "click". It's perfectly ok. I have plenty of friends who are now parents but not making "school mum friends" hasn't affected my life in any way.

I quickly learned the normal ones keep themselves to themselves. After 1 year or so that's what I did. I discovered then a few years later the Mean Mom group thought I was a snobby cow. Fair enough As has been said before. I'm only there to drop and collect my little cherubs. Not to make friends.

Also this.

No one is 'normal'

In my opinion OP its fine to wave a breezy hello then just go on your way! The pressure pot of primary school is just about competition in my view! The one up man ship and vying for superiority gets worse year in year out! It is pathetic! I get these mums are not bad people but usually underlying fear that my kid is not as able as your kid or mine is not achieving as quickly as your kid breeds insecurity and thats not a great way to base a relationship on! Its natural of course because none of us know what we are doing ,we are all finding our way together but no one admits that! Drop and go, pick up and leave is the only way to survive it! Performance mums are to be avoided for your own mental health!! Having done it twice over 33 yrs it doesnt seem to change! Be friendly,be polite,but really I wouldnt go any further than that!

It’s ’case in point’, actually 😁

Here we go again.

You know, right, that “school mums” aren’t a different species from us? They are identical to other kinds of people but they just happen to have children at school?

It sounds obvious but there is a thread on here almost daily about “school mums” as if they were some weird genetic subspecies.

They are people like any other people. They share the same DNA as people you might meet at work or even God forbid your family?

Stop lumping all women together through the lens of “school mums”. It’s reductive and misogynistic. Would you talk about “work dads?”.

Oh and also if you expect people automatically to be nice and be your friend just because your kids are at school together they are always going to fall short.

Just relax, take them as they come and stop expecting ready made friendships and some of them might surprise you.

Sounds like you need to work on your boundaries and what kind of vibe you are putting out there - like attracts like after all.

You seem unrealistic. You're going in too friendly, then are disappointed when people don't meet your standards.

Take it a bit slower, get to know people before being 'super friendly'.

And also don't forget, you're not perfect either.

I think this should be a sticky at the top of every ‘school mums’ post.

It is genuinely baffling why people don’t grasp that ‘school mum’= ‘a female person who had a child around the same time as you’. They have exactly the same probability of being ‘normal’ as any other random section of the population.

WELL, I've just learned the term "eggcorn" so ta for that pp. Never heard it in my life before! Does it start from "acorn" perhaps?
Re: the school mums I always thought I was the daggy one so if I was early, I would stand to the side, smile and wave to the few I knew and then sit on a seat and read ..... a book! Turned out later people thought I was formidable because I was so young ( very young mum with my oldest 2 ) and slim , sadly no more , and was reading. Ended up friends with half a dozen or so.
Never to the extent to go camping or on holidays together. Not my thing, but was never asked.
I fear I have RBF.

I have this exact same problem! And I thought that I was just sensitive but yes I'm finding the same issues. They don't seem to have matured.

Tbh, for me, it’s a gut feeling. I can tell who’s genuine and who is not the very first time I meet them, and I’m always right. It’s an intuition that I’m thankful for. My mom had so many friends when I was growing up. She’s a social butterfly. Loves to be friends with everyone, but then almost every one of those friends were flaky and backstabbers. She only had a handful of loyal that stayed with her. I learned from what she went through that not everyone will be your friend. I’m an introvert so I don’t have a lot of friends I hang out with. I’d rather stay at home and be with my family. It’s stress free that way.

They are just women. What you are saying is why aren't women who have had a child normal? Your mother was one of them, you are one of them, your grandmother was one of them, you probably have a friend who is one of them. Women are different and having had children doesn't make you more compatible as we don't alter our personalities just because when we become mothers, so what you are saying is that you have issues finding common ground with other women. You just happened to find these women outside a school.

Can you tell that it irks me when people use school mums in a derogatory way? Most of us on this thread have probably been a school mum and we are perfectly normal.

I think that's quite a common experience.

Out of a class of 25 mums, I made real friends with two mums. The others either loved their 'dramas' or had wildly dodgy political views, or were cliquey and only made friends with people with the 'right' car etc.

Just keep trying and hopefully you'll find someone who shares your values.

Well, you seem pretty red flagish yourself right now OP. Going on about them all being odd, but actually you have made friends, so they’re not all odd? And now you’re plagued by them being friendly?!?! The horror!

Just say hi in the playground and leave it there. You can be friendly to someone you don’t like, it makes the world turn a lot more smoothly. Or if you really find them offensive, tell them.

That common denominator aspect is always true of one’s own life.

As the OP says There are a few moms I've got to know that haven't tuned out like this, your presumption is misplaced.

Right, so most mums are fine, a couple have turned out to be dicks but in general you can’t be arsed to talk to people anyway.

Great thread title.

I have always got on quite well with the mums at my children’s schools but I am not close to any of them. An interesting chat from time to time while I’m waiting for my child is always good. I don’t need, or expect them to be life long friends.

Having a school age child doesn't change your personality, they aren't like they are because ofbwhere you meet them, thats just they way they are.

I don't understand the point about only knowing them because your children are the same age, you only know your school friends because you are the same age, your work frienda because you have the same employer, your gym friends because you exercise at the same place and time, you get my point.

One source of friendship isn't inherently better that any other. In my many years of being a school mum I've never come across all the drama that seems to beset posters on here. In my real life experience no one cares who makes friends and who doesnt

If these women did not have children in your child's class would you become friends with them?

You may have nothing else in common

I never bothered with mum friends.

Actually, it is 'case in point', to mean an example

the correct phrase, attested by centuries of use, is "case in point." "Case and point" is an eggcorn. The idiom "case in point" dates to the 1600s and refers to an instance or example that supports, or is relevant or pertinent to, what is being discussed.

Perhaps your enthusiasm for friendhip overwhelms them?
You've written that they are 'super nice', 'super', 'sweet and super'
Then they are mean. And you address us as 'Guys'
It seems as if you need to rein in your excitement and as by the sound of it, you are very young, temper your enthusiasm to be friendly

This sums up my view.

Also, you’re only throw together with them because you all bred at the same time. Children are not interests, so it’s not like you’ll have much common ground. Each of the mums will have their own views, issues, stresses and concerns.

if you find there’s a queen —bitch— bee, then redirect yourself and avoid, but otherwise just try to remember they are unlikely to become your best friends. And when the kids move on to the next school and change friend groups, you may never see them again.