Why aren't any of the school mums ' normal ' ??

Exactly @beanii was the one being mean (incorrectly so as well!). It was fair to call it out.

Yeah, except OP has said she doesn’t want anything to do with them because she doesn’t like them.

Some people like to make friends and it’s not always easy when you have small children. It’s not uncommon to connect with people you see every day, who live in your area, chose a school with a particular ethos/values, share the constraints of caring for small children, etc. Often it’s just friendly small talk but sometimes when people chat frequently they find they have other things in common, similar values, sense of humor, etc. Over the years I’ve been lucky to meet a few women in the schoolyard who over time become very dear lifelong friends. Many others are more like friendly acquaintances but we support each other, give each other reminders and answer last minute questions, share outgrown uniforms, help with dropoffs and pickups, etc., all of which is invaluable for busy parents.

Yeah but it sounds like she isn’t really friends with these people just on friendly terms with them. It shouldn’t be that difficult to manage if she wants to distance herself from them.

As for wasting time, well you can’t understand someone without getting to know them so don’t know if there’s much that can be done about that 🤷‍♀️

The point is that the OP has wasted time on getting to know these people.

She wants to know how to better understand people before she wastes time on them.

OP, my own advice is to go with your gut. If you sense they’re not going to be a good friend, just drop them.

But @beanii clearly knew what the OP meant.

@SweetSakura was right to call to call her out on it.

What’s the problem then? It doesn’t really matter that you don’t like them you know. It’s not like they’re members of your partners family and your stuck with them. Just stop looking for drama overthinking it.

It’s not ‘casing point’. 😳

I’m mortified for you, this is what happens when you needlessly correct people’s spag.

Seems unlikely with lingo like ‘dickish’ and ‘slating others’, but I don’t think it matters.

Mumsnet would be a pretty silent forum if we all took that approach

if you clearly knew what beanii meant there wasn't any need to post about it

Couldnt think of anything worse than choosing to spend time with school mums, so that’s how I do it

I had similar happen to me, very nice to begin with, but would call minorities vermin ect, slowly backed away and she then turn nasty to me, blanking me/ignoring me, giving me dirty looks, talking about me, saying things about me Infront of her children who would then repeat it to my child. Made the next few years of the school run very awkward...I would just grey stone, say hi, nod, get in and out asap, keep it light and breezy and don't get too involved...my youngest child won't be attending the same as my eldest because of how bad it got...

@itzthTtimeGib

For whatever reasons, shock horror, some people don’t have many close friends by the time they become parents! I don’t think it’s worth making OP feel like a weirdo for that.

That may be true but none of this is a justification for the nasty and slightly misogynistic comments about “school mums” as if they were all Scientologists or something. They are not one homegenous mass.

But also it’s incredibly entitled to believe that you have a God given right to have friends in the school network anyway. So many people seem to assume the mum network is a ready made social life on a plate and then get arsy when it’s not.

To be brutal: no one owes you friendship at school or anywhere else. It’s a bonus if it happens (and it does happen). But if you can’t make friends at school it’s not the fault of every other mum whose child attends the school.

To misquote the old maxim, if everyone you meet seems like an arsehole, maybe you are the arsehole.

OK, thanks for letting me know!

My new approach by the way is be friendly as I usually am but I float around chatting to different people and not too long with one person. The vast majority of mum friends slide away once your kids hit secondary anyway. I’m not seeing it as an opportunity to make friends tbh, more of a trying to rub along with people for a season kind of thing. Most people are mostly normal, not perfect but normal. I would say though some people see bitching as a bonding exercise.

Agree, it's just a friendship group. Also agree that there is always so much sexism and paranoia on threads like these. Why women are being scrutinised and put down like this by other women I will never understand.

I met three of my best friends when our kids were all in Kindergarten. Our kids are in grade 8 now and I still love them and we text in a group daily.

There's a lot of sexism towards female friendships. Even the word clique is loaded.

In primary we were a larger group who hung out after school everyday chatting. Now we get together all 10 of us a few times a year. I usually host a big Christmas party.

I suppose we could be called a clique but what does that mean besides a group of.people who are good friends?

Women in a group are often seen as witches.

You literally have no clue if you have things in common with them. It seems quite arrogant to assume you couldn't possibly have anything in common with a large number of women.

But that doesn't mean that women who have kids are some sort of societal sub-group that are bitches or not normal and the OP should feel justified in putting all women with kids down.

It's as unlikely that OP is the only normal person at her kid's school as it is that OP is the only normal person in her town or at her work. She just doesn't gel with some other people who have children at her kid's school and she is labeling women as not normal because of it.

It's unhelpful towards women in general to group us up as some sort of mentally challenged people just because our children goes to school. Nobody does that to fathers because it makes no sense. It just strengthens the thought that women are difficult when in fact women tend to be the nurturing and helpful ones in society whether they have kids or not.

Wow @YellowphantGrey I am not English. I didn’t know that and was genuinely asking. Thank you for the history of the word, I am younger than that so not aware of it from those times. I will stay well clear of that area if you are representative of the type of people who live there.

So many nasty “omg don’t you already have friends of your own?!” type comments.

You know what, no - some people didn’t manage to make a ton of lifelong friends early on. Maybe they were socially awkward and didn’t get close enough to their peers to retain them long term. Or went straight to work and missed out on college/uni friendships. Or moved cities after marrying. Or, ironically, turned out to not have very much in common with a bunch of “friends” that they’d been forced to make as kids themselves.

For whatever reasons, shock horror, some people don’t have many close friends by the time they become parents! I don’t think it’s worth making OP feel like a weirdo for that.

I’d pull back a bit. People aren’t always what they seem.
When one of mine started school, I met a school mum who has become a very good friend but have also met some who seemed lovely; it worked out well before so maybe would again? No it didn’t: one was so nasty and negative about other kids. She couldn’t tolerate any ND kids or kids that needed support taking teachers or TA time away from her precious darlings and felt they all should be in ‘special schools’ 😳
Shudder.. well rid
Good luck OP

I get so sick of the nasty school mums trope. School mums are just people. Some are nice , some are boring, some are bitches - just like every other group of people on the planet.

My Dc are in their 30s now so it's over twenty years since I was at the school gates. 5 of my closest friends are mums I met there. That probably represents about 5% of the mums I encountered over the years. That doesn't mean the other 95% weren't normal or were unpleasant (although a few were horrible and were probably also horrible colleagues/neighbours/relations). It just means I made lasting and meaningful friendships with 5% of the people I met in that time . Which IMO is a pretty good strike rate.

I'm not interested in making any mom friends at my children's schools I'm sure they also judge me as a bitch I've just got no interest I also couldn't do with another mum harping on about how perfect their child is and that they are going to be the next rocket scientist and how everyone else should be copying no thanks the only thing I have in common with any of the them is that our children are in the same school same year and that's where it ends.