Why aren't any of the school mums ' normal ' ??

I think I'm not "normal" (ADHD and autistic) and I find school mums the hardest to get on with and it increased my social anxiety. I've got a few good friends from these mums groups, but it was definitely a case of finding the right people, and focus more on finding friends from shared activities and interests instead

Such misogyny on this thread and using the term school mums like it's an insult or some strange species.
They're all people, just because some are different to you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them, by definition if you have a kid in that school you also are a school mum.
Every one of them will have their own issues and anxieties just like in all areas of life, no one ever knows what's going on behind closed doors.
What's perceived as cliques may also just be people who are familiar with each other and are passing the time, older children in same class or whatever

Thank God my children are in high school now. I absolutely detested the mum circles at primary school. I suddenly felt I had been transported back to my old school days, where groups would form of bitchy girls that really were awful. I just kept away from them all, I would turn up at school just as they were coming out so I wasn't stood around waiting that long. I know I couldn't do thus again, just driving past there old school now makes my stomach turn.

I'm normal!
But yeah, I do know what you mean. Had a few who were friendly at first and then ignore me completely, one that asked my child to a play date but never actually invited him through me and when I invited her child just stopped responding/ blanked me (my child felt very let down), one that hadn't heard of adhd and another one who explained it to her like it's some unmanageable mental illness for the first one then to wonder why the children with adhd are allowed in our school, many of them gossiping and talking behind each others back, one that always had terrible things to say about the school staff on the WhatsApp group (even though we have mums who also work at the school in the group), one that yelled at some teenagers in the playground for splashing water (likely by accident), the smoker with a newborn...

Op I experienced this too. People who seem genuine and nice who end up surprising you in a bad way. One mum admitted to me she never saw the point of reading a bedtime story. Like ever. One mum was shagging a teacher and started a rumour about me to divert attention. One mum (a queen bee) dented my car and tried to blame me. Then burst into tears and told the other mums I was cruel to her. One mum volunteered to help with the reading and went through my daughter’s books to see how she was doing. I know this because she told me. All of these women regularly still ask me for social events. I’ve become more selective about who I let in. But for those years they are a part of every day. It’s crazy to think back, now mine don’t need dropping to school.

This website is overwhelmingly lower-middle class, and you say yourself that your child isn’t even school age, so you have no personal experience of the ‘mummy mafia’, just the weirdly intense projections of someone with a lot of internalised hostility.

@Mynameispaige

But what do i know this website is mostly full of posh toffs and people who want to complain about their child that is my age like they're 5 and dont have autonomy have a nice day :)

OK then…. Back in the real world most people don’t have time to tie themselves up in paranoid knots worrying about the imaginary opinions of people they barely know.

Do you suffer from rejection sensitive dysphoria by any chance? I can assure you that most people are going about their day just doing their own thing and not paying other random people at nursery pick-up much attention, let alone looking down their nose at them. You seem to be over projecting about what people think of you, when they probably aren't thinking about you at all..

You sound like exactly the sort of person OP would befriend on the school run.

I think you've all misunderstood me.
i meant the mums that clearly look down their nose at you and act like their child is better for no reason than they either have money, their kid excells at something or theres a group of them that endorse this behaviour we even get this at the nursery. But what do i know this website is mostly full of posh toffs and people who want to complain about their child that is my age like they're 5 and dont have autonomy have a nice day :)

Fucking hell! If this sort of misogyny comes from women what hope do we have? It’s just women of different ages with different interests. They are not a mummy mafia for fuck’s sake. Do you use derogatory nicknames for women who play football or women who are a part of a book club too?

You and your husband sound slightly demented then. Why would you be so judgmental about a group of people that you've never met?? Will you be happy when your son is at school and some random weirdo dubs you part of the 'mummy mafia'?

This exactly!! Why are you trying to "hang around" anyway? Drop kid and go about your business, problem solved, nobody judging anybody, Hi and Bye if you really need to engage but it really is not your business to be trying to "hang" with them.. be happy to hang kid-free, by yourself, treat yourself to a mani/pedi or work out or catch up on any missed chores or laundry .. There is soo much for a mum to do in just one day.. where do you even find the time to "hang around" ? Asking for a friend..

All I can think of they don't work and their while life is their partner and children, they have no other interests other than the school run so it is all encompassing with them

No I don't get it but some people live their lives like that

Why do people have such an issue with mums, especially school mums?

They have a friendship group and they're a 'clique'. They invite their own personal friends to the park, a party or event and they're excluding others- people who they've never spoken to but incidentally have children in the same class. They just exist and they're the 'mummy mafia'.

Why is it school mums. People don't speak like this about women at work (to the same extent at least). Why do school mums need to be friends with everyone they come across, invite every single person in the school to everything and never ever be preoccupied with something else?

It's bonkers.

Why? When your child starts school are you going to become a different person, or do you think you will be the only "normal" mum there?

If course you won't, these are just people who happen to have school age children you're talking about, not some strange other apecies

my son isnt of school age yet but, both me and my husband call it the mummy mafia 😂

You aren't missing some huge red flag through poor radar OP. You're just discovering that people are a complicated mix of behaviour, some positive, some negative. Those mums still have the qualities that attracted you, you've just discovered that like every human on the planet, there's some undesirable traits too. With any relationship, once you discover the negative traits, you balance them against the positives to decide if overall the person is for you, which will depend on your own values and boundaries. For example, I could put up with some criticism of my parenting from an otherwise decent woman who was fun, good company etc, but the nastiness about other people would be too much to overlook. All you can do is apply your own standards to this. But don't look for perfection. You'll not find it, and in these sorts of functional friendships, you don't need it.

"Normality" what really is that? If we were to discover exactly what others really think of us, would any find friends! Wonder how you would come out!😳

Agree with pretty much all that’s been said.

Be chatty with everyone and you’ll find the people who have similar interests. Clique mums best avoided. I have a couple of close friends who have kids same year group and they are people we have things in common with.

Do t give too much thought to the other mums.

You don’t have to be friends with them. Just drop off/pick up then leave. I got fairly friendly with only one mum, not just because she was a mum but I actually liked her. The others I was just on nodding terms with, which worked very well for me!

At the mainstream primary school our DC went to they seemed lovely, but it was usually breakfast club drop off and only 2 days a week doing start of school. So many of them, you get to know a few, especially with party invites. I'm aware it's just a case of being friendly, getting along, wouldn't have the intention to form a friendship group. Maybe some natural friendships would develop but wouldn't be bothered if they didn't. I guess if your child formed a close bond then there would be more expectation to get to know each other better. For me it was a short part of the day, quick chat, then off we all go.

I'm sure it's different if you are there every day and can be awkward as you feel obliged to part of it all. X

I gave up years ago, kept to myself as they all clicky like we in secondary school. I did secondary school so not dealing with adults acting that way now. So ridiculous

So glad i don't do the school gate run anymore. My dc's are all teenagers but when I did drop and collect from school I found it very clicky. I was always hi, bye with a smile. I was lucky to have met one lovely mum and we have been friends for a long time due to our ds's starting in reception together. I moved from a city to a tiny village school so everyone was either related or grew up with each other. I don't miss the school run one bit.

Yet when people post about not having friends the standard response is 'what about the other mums at your child's school?'