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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed he's taking 7-8 hours to reply now?

90 replies

Celia24 · 22/09/2024 17:27

Been together for a year. At the start he was working so much I barely heard from when we weren't on dates but this improved as the relationship got more serious. The whole summer was fine too.

Suddenly in the last month that communication pattern has gone back to how it was at the start. He mentioned he's bogged down with work - he's not AT work but he's prepping for teaching lessons.

When I say he doesn't reply I mean he's often actually switching off his phone so my message isn't even delivered on Whatsapp because he isn't opening it all day.

So today I messaged at 9.30 and I still haven't heard from him. Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2024 19:18

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2024 19:16

But do you really need someone to text you several times a day? Why is your hppiness reliant on that? It would drive me nuts, especially when I'm busy. The expectation and pressure is the last thing I would want.

I suppose I got used to hearing from him every day multiple times. It has been our pattern.

I'd say maybe I need to be a bit less needy.

But I also don't want no contact for 7-8 hours to become the new norm. Maybe it is the time of year as others have said.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2024 19:16

But do you really need someone to text you several times a day? Why is your hppiness reliant on that? It would drive me nuts, especially when I'm busy. The expectation and pressure is the last thing I would want.

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2024 19:05

Either way I've decided I'll wait until I see him in person next weekend to bring it up

I'll give him the benefit for now because I know the pressure he is under and the effort he does make when we're together.

I've got plenty to keep me occupied with other plans this week. My needs matter too though and shouldn't be overshadowed by his.

OP posts:
Tiramisu78 · 22/09/2024 19:00

I'm an AHT. I don't have time to pee or have a cup of tea in September. I fall asleep in my clothes in the sofa every night. The extra demand of having to be in text contact would be impossible. I text my 93 year old mum each morning at 7 to say morning and check she's ok. I often don't get to read the reply until 4 or 5.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 22/09/2024 19:00

September is a crazy month for teachers

BabyR · 22/09/2024 19:00

Celia24 · 22/09/2024 18:57

@BabyR I think you're right.

I did this on Sat after a party on Friday. He was soon messaging again to ask how the party went when I didn't respond. Doesn't like when the shoe is on the other foot.

He's finally messaged this minute moaning about work.

Be careful that he isn’t giving you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you around.

Singleandproud · 22/09/2024 18:59

@BabyR that's what I used to do. Eventually he never messaged back and that was that. Awkwardly he is now the Assistant Principal at DDs school so that's fun when I bump into him.

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2024 18:57

@BabyR I think you're right.

I did this on Sat after a party on Friday. He was soon messaging again to ask how the party went when I didn't respond. Doesn't like when the shoe is on the other foot.

He's finally messaged this minute moaning about work.

OP posts:
BabyR · 22/09/2024 18:55

Stop messaging. Leave all communication up to him and leave him on delivered/read.

It rings alarms that he turns his phone off. I am understanding when people genuinely are busy but it sounds like he’s making no effort at all

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2024 18:52

@Catza I think the main issue is he didn't mention how things would change or what to expect. Just a major drop off without warning.

Not heard from him all day and that's not normal for us. Same thing two weekends ago

I probably am being needy but I love hearing from him during the day. I hope we can find a compromise.

OP posts:
Catza · 22/09/2024 18:34

Celia24 · 22/09/2024 18:03

@LouH5 yeah that's it. It's something I don't want to make into a big issue but it's not great

@sunsetsandboardwalks the thing is he contacted me multiple times a day until a month ago. For me it's sudden change. For him he'll probably say it's inevitable now teaching is starting back

Did you maybe notice that until a month ago it was a school holiday… Honestly, I get how you feel because I also used to date a teacher. If it bothers you so much, you are not compatible in the slightest. I totally get why he would turn his phone off. Teachers have a mountain of work to do after we all clock off. The last thing they want to do is to be interrupted with texts and calls.

toomuchfaff · 22/09/2024 18:33

YABU to expect and demand an immediate response, nobody owes you immediate attention. He's explained his work is stressful, stop being so needy. Arrange a time to chat or talk when he isnt working rather than expecting him to respond to texts.

Me and DH work ebbs and flows, I'll message, he will respond if he's not busy, or it could be a couple hours later if he's b2b meetings, same for me. Don't assume that someone works to your timeline, offer an alternative to get what you need from the relationship

sunsetsandboardwalks · 22/09/2024 18:05

Well, personally I wouldn't stay with someone like that.

All you can do is decide whether it's for you or not.

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2024 18:03

@LouH5 yeah that's it. It's something I don't want to make into a big issue but it's not great

@sunsetsandboardwalks the thing is he contacted me multiple times a day until a month ago. For me it's sudden change. For him he'll probably say it's inevitable now teaching is starting back

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 22/09/2024 18:00

Celia24 · 22/09/2024 17:55

@sunsetsandboardwalks yeah I did post before. Since then we've made more plans together so that part has improved

But since teaching has started up again I'm a bit of an afterthought day to day. I love being with him but his job is intense.

What's the point in being in a relationship with someone who never bothers with you? Holidays and weekends away are one thing, but it's the day to day that matters, surely?

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2024 17:57

Sounds like he's busy

LouH5 · 22/09/2024 17:56

When I first read the post title I thought it would be about someone who’s been on a few dates with a guy, not a year long relationship. It’s a difficult one. Some men are a bit useless with texting, and if you are fine when you’re together that’s a plus. I wouldn’t necessarily think something was wrong, but I wouldn’t love this lack of communication.

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2024 17:55

@sunsetsandboardwalks yeah I did post before. Since then we've made more plans together so that part has improved

But since teaching has started up again I'm a bit of an afterthought day to day. I love being with him but his job is intense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2024 17:53

No @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon it's irrelevant

We live at each others for periods for stretches of time, not all the time as we have our own places.

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 22/09/2024 17:53

Didn't you post about him a while ago? The long distance thing and the not seeing each other very much rings a bell.

He doesn't sound very keen - what's the point?

AmeliaEarache · 22/09/2024 17:52

@Celia24 when I was self employed, if I wanted to spend a weekend with my partner I had to knock myself out the previous weekend to clear my workload - or work an extra 2-3 hours at night.

So I can definitely see it as a trade off between time together and time with his phone off as he knuckles down.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/09/2024 17:49

oh you've posted about him before i.e. the Quaker House thread, but you were living together then.

so did one of you move out / return to original home as a result of this ?

Original poster
Celia24 · 22/09/2024 17:45

@AmeliaEarache you might be right.

He might be trying to get through things this weekend because we are together next weekend.

I think I need to speak to him because no matter the reason it does make me feel disconnected. A phone call at the end day of the day sometimes would help a lot.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 22/09/2024 17:45

I put my phone on do not disturb when I'm busy
I don't think it means anything other than you're really busy and don't want to be disturbed.

AmeliaEarache · 22/09/2024 17:44

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

It’s fair enough to not turn your phone on if you’re working for the weekend. Better he does that and sorts everything during weekends you’re apart than spoil the weekends you are together with prep work.

It’s also fair enough to want more frequent contact from a partner. Perhaps his work life balance isn’t enough for you - a common problem with some professions!