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AIBU?

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Original poster

He goes away, I can’t

262 replies

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 16:28

DH has been away to Europe without me twice this year. Once with a family member and once to stay with friends. When I was younger I used to visit Canada regularly. I know people there but they are not close friends. I considered going again, alone, as a kind of last hurrah, and relive a few old memories. (I’m 61 but fit).DH says No way and half jokingly that if I went he would change the locks. Basically there is no way I can go. We have plenty of money so the only issue is me going without him. Am I wrong to be annoyed at this attitude.

OP posts:
MrsCobbit · 22/09/2024 20:34

Your husband is a prick - you do you!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/09/2024 20:34

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

Amazing men do not say they'll change the locks if you go on holiday. Is it possible he's only "amazing" when you do as expected/told/don't rock the boat?

Pinkissmart · 22/09/2024 20:34

Gosh OP
None of that is a ‘good place’.
Stopping someone from travelling from selfishness is not ‘a good place’. A bit late to say nip it in the bud, but perhaps set some new rules.

lightsandtunnels · 22/09/2024 20:33

I'm not surprised by the responses OP!
Any excuse for a bit of misandry from some MNs 🙄

Bignanna · 22/09/2024 20:30

Does he get up to mischief on his trips, and is afraid you will too?

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/09/2024 20:27

He says you cant go, who made him the boss of you? Why are you allowing this situation to continue to the point where you BOTH think that he can decide what you are and are not allowed to do?

He is worried he cant cope without you? Sorry are you talking about a toddler or a grown ass man?!

Mylovelygreendress · 22/09/2024 20:23

Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

He threatened to change the locks if you go away ! Sorry but that’s not coming from a good place !
I am older than you and have a couple of trips away without DH every year and I simply cannot imagine him saying I can’t go .

Grammarnut · 22/09/2024 20:13

Next time he goes off on a jaunt, plan your own holiday to coincide and CHANGE THE LOCKS. Come back and divorce the toe-rag.

unsync · 22/09/2024 20:04

You're 61 not 91! Just go. Why do you need his permission, he's not the boss.

I bet he's one of those that does fuck all in the house and couldn't tell his arse from his elbow even if you drew him a diagram.

His comment about changing the locks is despicable too. Prick.

Original poster
Aspire5253 · 22/09/2024 20:03

Thanks for those that replied. I am truly grateful but a bit alarmed by the number of people telling me to get divorced. My husband is an amazing man who does so much for me. He doesn’t want me to go for various reasons. None of them come from a bad place, except maybe selfishness. but I’m still annoyed. He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc . I will probably go to Canada but there’s no divorce pending. Thanks again to all who offered help and advice

OP posts:
MillicentMama · 22/09/2024 19:59

The answer to this is… “I’ve decided I’m off on hols alone to x. You want to change the locks whilst I’m gone?? Hahaha. How daft. That would mean I'd have to come back and take half of everything we collectively own. Byeeeee”

Ifoughthefight · 22/09/2024 19:58

Ifoughthefight · 22/09/2024 19:56

If you have your own finances and don't have to beg his approval for your own visits abroad, you can visit anywhere you like

Does he actually gives you a good spending money to live day to day life. You say the money is plenty but his attitude to it, you as a human being and someone who has to stay in the house and keep for him when he goes away, seems very territorial

Ifoughthefight · 22/09/2024 19:56

If you have your own finances and don't have to beg his approval for your own visits abroad, you can visit anywhere you like

Mumoftwochildrenand6furkids · 22/09/2024 19:51

Thats lovely of him!! If my hubby said that after going away himself without me damn right locks on doors would be change the very next time he left the house Id be changing them. Though I would be nice id make sure hes clothes were waiting outside for him too.

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 22/09/2024 19:44

Just book your flight and go.

He’s not the boss of you.

I went abroad for 3 weeks to see my family without DH, it wouldn’t have occurred to me ask him! (It’s not a country he would visit).

halava · 22/09/2024 19:42

DH has gone out for a couple of pints. OP is getting an emergency locksmith while simultaneously searching the web for flights to Canada.

Well that's what she SHOULD be doing, right now!

(Lightheartness aside, I get the feeling that there is much more to this than the OP stated).

Pebbles16 · 22/09/2024 19:42

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 22/09/2024 17:09

The only thing stopping you going is yourself OP. Get booking!

Absolutely this. DH and I love travelling together, but I also travel with my DM and to visit relatives abroad. He gets huffy about it sometimes so I point out that he is entirely entitled to do the same but is too damn lazy to sort it out. I love planning travel, but I am not his personal travel agent: if he wants to visit his friends or family he just needs to get himself on Skyscanner!

Bluetrews25 · 22/09/2024 19:37

Could you ask him why you can't go?

If you can't even ask the question then that is really worrying.

Possibly he's going to say he doesn't want stray men sniffing around you.

The only men who would say this are ones who target other women when they are unaccompanied. It's called projection. If I do it, then you must be doing it too.

MaybeImbad · 22/09/2024 19:35

OP @Aspire5253

You CAN go away.

If you really feel you can’t then I think you need to speak to Women’s Aid and get some support with what’s happening in your relationship with this man, I wish you the best.

WonderingWanda · 22/09/2024 19:32

thistimelastweek · 22/09/2024 16:32

Regardless of his reasons, how can he actually stop you going?

(And don't make it a last hurrah, make it a first hurrah. )

Edited

This!

midlifeattheoasis · 22/09/2024 19:29

Canonlythinkofthisone · Today 16:30

Interested to hear from whoever thinks YABU...

☝This

rainsofcastamere · 22/09/2024 19:23

If you don't go then you are rolling over and giving him permission to control you and be in charge of your life. Are you really willing to do that? I mean come on, you've got more about you than that sort of behaviour haven't you? Book your holiday, tell him you've booked it and when his bottom lip sticks out do a little tap dance on it.

GoldDuster · 22/09/2024 19:10

Book it and tell him you're going. A last hurrah? I hope you do it, and I hope it's the first hurrah of your new single life without that controlling fuckwit.

Watch Shirley Valentine, and then do it. Pack your bags and leave your key behind, tell him he needn't change the locks. He's a fool.

OnceUponATimeInTheWest · 22/09/2024 19:10

What even is the point of this post and especially to write it and then not return for several hours?

AIBU to be irritated by posts where the answer is so totally obvious?

StressyDepressy · 22/09/2024 19:09

Canonlythinkofthisone · 22/09/2024 16:30

Interested to hear from whoever thinks YABU...

LEAVE THE BASTARD. Jeez. Go, travel, enjoy

You’d be surprised how often I click on the wrong answer, and it was about a year before I read a comment to say you could change your answer! Grin