He goes away, I can’t

Does he think you will behave the same way he does?

Exactly. It is gaslighting the self as the cognitive dissonce of really seeing the reality is too painful.

So he is using emotional blackmail to 'keep you in your place'? It is ok for him to see the world, visit friends (and possibly be doing things maybe you would not approve of)... yet now for you? You are to be the golden bird in the cage awaiting him hand and foot for his emotional comfort?

You do not need to get divorced, yet best to have a REALLY good handle on the financials (know where they all are, have records of taxes, investments, earnings, everything) in a safe place.

Because when you do stand your ground and go travelling, it is highly possible he will start the financial abuse while you are gone.

Men can be so fragile. Why don't you make some plans and call his bluff?!

That’s controlling behaviour. He’s emotionally manipulating you. Next time he wants to go away use exactly the same phrases as he does with you. Does he really need his hypocrisy spelling out to him? Don’t take it as a compliment that he loves and cares about you - it’s an insult.

He’s basically saying these false epithets to mask the fact he either doesn’t trust you, doesn’t think you’ll actually be able to cope bc you’re incapable of travelling for whatever reason - basically incompetent, he’s saying he won’t be able to cope without you - in his own home - but he is capable of coping without you on foreign soil and when in the company of others? 🤔

He sounds a prize twat to me. The fact you said it wasn’t a bad/negative reason then directly said it came from selfishness 🤷🏼‍♀️ Has he conditioned you into believing this is an attribute? Do you run around after him at home so that in fact is what he’ll miss, not your company?

Many of us I’m sure would pack your bags, OP!

The 1940s just called me, they want their misogynist back

Oh wow, controlling much. My partner and I are not the sort to want to go to places without the other but sometimes I have to for work and he has recently for a funeral. You still do it. Not letting your partner go because he doesn’t is one thing but not letting your partner go when he does is ridiculous. Has he always been controlling?

Last hurrah? You are 61!! Why don't you go away together?

Probably many, many more ways. But I think the way he controls OP is one of the most insidious. And that is by making her feel 'protected' and 'cherished' in order to control her. It's so easy to do and so hard for the victim to actually 'see'.

Create the feeling that everything the 'controller' does is 'for' the benefit of the victim and out of a 'loving desire' to keep her 'safe'. It creates the feeling that 'He cares so much, everything he does/asks/says must be for my benefit so I should go along with it. I'm sure he knows best" and/or "He will stop 'cherishing and protecting me' if I don't do XYZ". Add in "He cares so deeply about me, I don't want to hurt him". It also creates a deep dependency in the victim, it makes them feel that they need the 'cherishing' and 'protecting' because it also whittles away their belief in their own instincts and need for autonomy. This is why OP feels that he's 'amazing' and why she won't go against him.

Be interested to know what other ways he controls your life. Just go, life is short

The op isn’t coming back, fair enough, she’s afraid to face the truth. Wonder what other minor things ‘this wonderful husband’ does not allow her to do…

My partner really doesn't like travelling or socialising and has always tried to curtail what I do. However, I made it clear from the start of our relationship that he could come with me or stay at home but I was still going! I dread to think what other 'control measures' would be put in place if I allowed that to happen. We get on fine and his quiet sulking is ignored until he gets over it!

I was expecting this to be a thread by someone with young kids (not that it would excuse the behaviour) but was surprised you are in your 60s without young children to look after.

He will miss me, be worried about me, worried he won’t cope without me etc

Well, he is coping fine when he is leaving you behind. It's controlling not to let you go. Do you have access to the family money? I would just book and go!

Also, is there a reason you don't travel together?

What on earth do you mean, there's "no way you can go"? Book it and go.

Yes.
Go on a solo trip!
you have just made it clear you aren’t respected or taken seriously.

My answers would be:

He’d miss me/worry about me - you miss/worry about him but would he want you to stop him going?
worried he won’t cope? - What?? why? - surely he’s capable of looking after himself.

id start saving my own pot of money and start working on him being more capable at home.

Did he miss you or not cope without you when he was away? No , then he’ll be fine or maybe he’d like to go with you 🇨🇦

Basically, there is no way I can go.

If you want to go and money isn't an issue then surely all you have to do is pack a bag and book a flight? Oh, and also not give a damn what your husband has to say about it.

Like fuck would I let a man dictate to me what I could/couldn't do.

Another who cant understand how you are giving this pathetic specimen house room.

Lets leave aside the sulking and crying (although how you could bring yourself to have sex with someone who does that is beyond me) and start with the hypocrisy.

You have a toxic marriage, you really do.

Brilliant, totally agree with this.
Also wondering if it's because it's Canada ( further away) and not Europe? Maybe in his eyes Europe doesn't count lol

This 100%

Urgh and you're still with this pathetic sulking man child?

I'm curious as to why he thinks you need his permission.

I'm wasn't telling you to get divorced, just to think about why you're choosing to live the way you do. And to think about ways to change things. Divorce is one way, but so is 'declaring your independence' by doing the things that you want to do.

Who is he to tell you, you can't go away? Who is he to change the locks on your house?

I'd bide my time, change them on his next trip and say I thought that was the agreement next time we're apart. Turns out I like it, here's the divorce papers I'm off to Canada.