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Original poster

To think my friend stopped talking to me because I received a settlement from work?

162 replies

CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 10:36

I recently went through a tough time at my last workplace and ended up receiving a settlement after being treated horribly. It was a stressful experience, but the outcome helped me feel some sense of justice. However, ever since I told my friend about it, she’s been distant and barely spoken to me.

We used to be really close, but now she’s completely withdrawn, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s related to the settlement. There’s been no argument or falling out, but it feels like my news changed something. I’ve tried reaching out, but she’s just cold or makes excuses not to talk. I thought she’d be happy for me, but instead, it feels like she’s cut me off.

AIBU to think she’s stopped talking to me because of the settlement? Or am I overthinking this and it’s just a coincidence?

OP posts:
GenAvocadoOnToast · 22/09/2024 18:33

ItcanbeDone · 22/09/2024 18:10

This! My 'friend' said it was a little bit unfair that I get carers allowance for my 2 year old (she has Down Syndrome and Hypotonia) and actually said 'My son might not have the same problems as your daughter but I still have to care for him 24/7! You're her parent, why are you getting help for doing what ANY mother does!'

I had to try to explain its a totally different ball game when your child is disabled. Although funnily enough I think it pissed her off that my daughter despite her DS was potty trained faster than her typical son, she actually told me that she felt bad for my daughter being advanced as this probably means shes 'heavily autistic!'
f8&^ing twat.

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This is so shit. I have a friend who has a (now grown up) son with Downs along with various other serious health conditions and I have nothing but admiration for her. Some people just can’t get their head out of their own arses far enough to put themselves in somebody else’s shoes.

Calliopespa · 22/09/2024 18:29

CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 18:21

I can see how that might happen. However, I don’t think that’s the case here. She was supportive during the process, but when I finally shared that I resolved everything, she went radio silent. It feels more like a shift in her attitude rather than guilt over past advice.

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How was the friendship before that moose? Some people really prefer to have friendships where they feel the other person is a little bit more unfortunate than them to make them feel good about themselves. Maybe you got out of her shadow and it no longer worked for her.

Original poster
CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 18:25

Franjipanl8r · 22/09/2024 18:01

Have you actually asked how she is and if she’s dealing with something herself? Have you been a bit of a bore about this settlement and neglected to ask her anything about her life recently?

I mentioned in my post that I’ve made an effort to check in on her and genuinely ask how she’s doing. However, whenever I've tried reaching out, she’s been cold and makes excuses not to talk.

I’ve also commented that I’ve been mindful of not dwelling solely on the settlement in our conversations. It’s been a mutual friendship, and I’ve always valued her updates too.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 18:21

Allwelcone · 22/09/2024 17:50

I have a thing where if I've advised people badly or forgotten a big life event in their past, I feel so embarrassed that it somehow defects on to th, like I've behaved 'badly" or something!

So could it be she felt bad for having advised you to take the £10K?

I can see how that might happen. However, I don’t think that’s the case here. She was supportive during the process, but when I finally shared that I resolved everything, she went radio silent. It feels more like a shift in her attitude rather than guilt over past advice.

OP posts:
Dhdidndnddn · 22/09/2024 18:19

CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 18:04

I agree. It feels like things are done between us. I’m just focused on myself and moving forward tbh.

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I feel for you OP, it’s not nice. I hope you have other people in your life who are happy and supportive of you!

I am so glad for you that you got your comp 💐

Starlightstarbright3 · 22/09/2024 18:13

At this point - I would probably drop her a message / phone call depending on how you communicate .

say you don’t seem yourself at all is there something I am missing ? Take your lead from your response or lack of response .

if you don’t looks like you have lost a friend or someone who never really a friend .

what does your gut instinct tell you ? Do you think it could be something else ? Not money related ?

ItcanbeDone · 22/09/2024 18:10

GenAvocadoOnToast · 22/09/2024 12:07

She might be jealous that you got something she didn't, regardless of what horrors you had to go through to get it. I've known people be jealous of parents with severely disabled children because they get disability benefits and a nice mobility car. People can be very odd when it comes to money.

This! My 'friend' said it was a little bit unfair that I get carers allowance for my 2 year old (she has Down Syndrome and Hypotonia) and actually said 'My son might not have the same problems as your daughter but I still have to care for him 24/7! You're her parent, why are you getting help for doing what ANY mother does!'

I had to try to explain its a totally different ball game when your child is disabled. Although funnily enough I think it pissed her off that my daughter despite her DS was potty trained faster than her typical son, she actually told me that she felt bad for my daughter being advanced as this probably means shes 'heavily autistic!'
f8&^ing twat.

Original poster
CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 18:09

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 22/09/2024 17:46

So can you just invite her out for a meal to mark the end of the ordeal and to thank her for helping you through it? If she ignores or rebuffs you, then you need to ask her flat out if you've done something to upset her.

I mentioned in my post that whenever I’ve tried reaching out, she’s been cold and makes excuses not to talk. It’s been a few months of this now, which makes me hesitant to invite her out.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 18:04

Dhdidndnddn · 22/09/2024 17:09

She is not a nice friend.

Whether it’s because she is jealous, or for another reason. Whatever the reason is, the not telling you why is not nice.

I doubt your friendship will recover.

If my best friend got 40 k after being unfairly treated at work I would be thrilled for her.

Edited

I agree. It feels like things are done between us. I’m just focused on myself and moving forward tbh.

OP posts:
silentassassin · 22/09/2024 18:03

CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 17:45

I meant it in terms of plans for myself. She was encouraging me to go on holiday after everything that had happened, saying I deserved it and should take a break for a couple of weeks.

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Ah ok. I honestly think then that its a combo of embarrassment because she advised you to go for 10K and she is a bit shocked you got way more and feels a bit put out/jealous of it.

If she enjoys the big sister role it is a bit embarrassing for her that you actually knew better and did better by going against her advice

Calliopespa · 22/09/2024 18:02

Timeforabiscuit · 22/09/2024 12:14

It might be that supporting you through this period was quite trying for them, have you thanked them for being there through it?

Sometimes it's easy for a close friendship to slide into unpaid therapist territory, and it's quite a feat to bring it back to balance.

I see where you are angling biscuit. 😉 You’re the friend ain’tcha!

Franjipanl8r · 22/09/2024 18:01

Have you actually asked how she is and if she’s dealing with something herself? Have you been a bit of a bore about this settlement and neglected to ask her anything about her life recently?

Crumpleton · 22/09/2024 18:00

CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 17:37

I did keep her updated when I could, so it felt natural for her to check in after I had news. It was only a few days after I got it that she checked in, and I told her. But tbh, I was overwhelmed and wanted to sit with all that had happened to me.

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I wonder if she took this as you needing a bit of time to process all that had happened if things progressed quickly, and is giving you that time.

IMO if the friendship was more she felt you were family I'd find it a bit odd that she'd suddenly stop speaking to you of her own accord.
It would be a shame if it was a wires crossed situation and she is waiting for you to let her know your mind is now in a better place and all the while you're thinking she's suddenly not wanting to know you any more.

FrauPaige · 22/09/2024 17:59

CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 13:32

Yes, it was a significant sum that will definitely help me move forward and create a better future for myself.

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If you told her the amount you recieved, then its jealousy, sadly. Is she struggling financially? Helped you financally before? Could she resent that you haven't helped her in kind now that you have broader shoulders?

Allwelcone · 22/09/2024 17:50

I have a thing where if I've advised people badly or forgotten a big life event in their past, I feel so embarrassed that it somehow defects on to th, like I've behaved 'badly" or something!

So could it be she felt bad for having advised you to take the £10K?

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 22/09/2024 17:46

So can you just invite her out for a meal to mark the end of the ordeal and to thank her for helping you through it? If she ignores or rebuffs you, then you need to ask her flat out if you've done something to upset her.

Original poster
CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 17:45

silentassassin · 22/09/2024 17:26

As the negotiations dragged on, she even talked about using some of the money to go on holiday after the ordeal and other financial plans

Do you mean including her in this plan or just for yourself?

I meant it in terms of plans for myself. She was encouraging me to go on holiday after everything that had happened, saying I deserved it and should take a break for a couple of weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 17:42

OrdinaryMatilda · 22/09/2024 17:25

Probably not this way at all, but it comes across from the posts that your friend has been the one to encourage you, check in on you, take you out, etc.
If a friend doesn't return the effort, you'll always see on here, to let the friendship slide..so it could be that, and nothing to do with a settlement or them being jealous.

The friendship is definitely not one-sided. She often tells me to put things in the diary for meet-ups and insists it’s her treat as her “big sister duty.” She’s very enthusiastic about it.

I also check in on her, make an effort to reach out, and send her birthday and Christmas gifts. It’s been this way since I was 16. Everything was fine before this settlement.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheekyMoose · 22/09/2024 17:37

DysmalRadius · 22/09/2024 17:24

Do you think maybe she expected you to contact her to let her know that the process was completed rather than waiting for her to check in when you had news to share?

I did keep her updated when I could, so it felt natural for her to check in after I had news. It was only a few days after I got it that she checked in, and I told her. But tbh, I was overwhelmed and wanted to sit with all that had happened to me.

OP posts:
Megifer · 22/09/2024 17:36

Foy19 · 22/09/2024 16:30

With an attitude like that I'm not surprised she's stopped talking to you - settlement or no settlement.

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Given that poster was talking total dog shit, I thought op was quite polite tbh.

Yes op it's common garden variety jealousy, as seen on this thread as a pp observed.

NippyCrab · 22/09/2024 17:28

I think @DysmalRadius has nailed it, she could be feeling not as important to you as you are to her to not share such big news.

silentassassin · 22/09/2024 17:26

As the negotiations dragged on, she even talked about using some of the money to go on holiday after the ordeal and other financial plans

Do you mean including her in this plan or just for yourself?

OrdinaryMatilda · 22/09/2024 17:25

Probably not this way at all, but it comes across from the posts that your friend has been the one to encourage you, check in on you, take you out, etc.
If a friend doesn't return the effort, you'll always see on here, to let the friendship slide..so it could be that, and nothing to do with a settlement or them being jealous.

DysmalRadius · 22/09/2024 17:24

Do you think maybe she expected you to contact her to let her know that the process was completed rather than waiting for her to check in when you had news to share?

wouldbeFTB · 22/09/2024 17:22

Personally, I'd reach out and ask her whether everything is ok as she's been quite quiet lately. This might help uncover the issue.

I think money conversations can be tricky to have. A few years ago, my friend complained how she was being underpaid (she was on £50k at the time). While I agreed, I felt resentful that she'd brought it up with me (at the time I was facing redundancy and felt that she was being insensitive).