Husband shouted at my daughters

It's all wrong. Everyone laughing at the toddler having a tantrum, your older child being pushed. It sounds chaotic

Don't be ridiculous of course I'm not blaming a child. It's a fact that untrimmed nails scratch and that a scratch will hurt 🙄

I think this is a non-event, OP. You were both at the end of your tether with the toddler and when she scratched DH's face, he understandably lost it when the older children laughed at this. If swearing is a big thing for you, then ask DH to give a simple apology. But the girls need to be reminded they are old enough to do as they're told and not enflame an already tricky situation.

In terms of the toddler...this too shall pass! But maybe not for a few years, so perhaps you should take it in turns to do the bedtime bath routine, rather than both being cross and tired out every night? You say it's particularly bad when toddler is tired - is there any way of reducing what she does during the day (like not too many outings or too much sensory overload)? Is the routine and timeline the same every night?

He is their step dad, and as such there will be times that he has to administer discipline. He didn't hit them. It's a fraught situation all round, and it's not surprising that tempers were lost. As for the tantrums, stop enabling them. Just ignore it. Walk away. My niece had horrific tantrums and her parents bent over backwards to accommodate her. My mum wouldn't have a bar of it, and guess what, one look from my Mum and my niece stopped.

It'll get blown out if proportion on here OP

Funny to see so many minimising and twisting posts on here, if that's the case.

Yeah.

Ushering does not usually involve contact.
It also very strongly implies calm, polite, and neutral.

It's been very enlightening and disturbing to see the initial situation described .... changed into "ushering" and "directing" by a certain few posters and the op.

It'll get blown out if proportion on here OP. Your husband should work on strategies to stay calm in the future, ie take deep breath, leave the room for 5. But honestly your daughters need to do what they are told. Either sit down and stay quiet or if they can't stop themselves laughing they go to their room. It's not as simple as you laughed, they laughed, he lost it. Yes you were all laughing (which as you now but now I'm sure isn't great strategy for dealing with a tantrum) but the girls were then told to go to their rooms, they didn't stop or do what they were told. Sound like all the children need stronger discipline from you and you need to work as a team.

Yes, let’s blame a 2 year old girl for a grown man not able to control his temper 🙄

But you all laughed and you’re allowing your husband to punish your daughters for laughing because he can’t punish his own daughter but feels able to push and shout at hours.

None so blind…

In addition to above I think he has to say I am sorry I touched you to the daughter and that he will never do it again.

I think you should also have a separate conversation about where you lie on physical discipline of your child I.e. smacking. Your baby will become a boisterous teen.

Maybe parenting books or classes together.

Going forward showing Kindness and respect to each other.

Your older girls are copying you and your husband so it’s very unreasonable to tell them off for something that you’re doing yourself . I have no idea why you would laugh- would you accept a stranger laughing if dd3 had a tantrum in public ? I understand that the kids watching and gawping won’t be helping calm things down but dh as the adult should be able to handle things better.

Swearing isn’t ok but everybody in the family needs to examine their reaction to tantrums. 3 year olds tantrum because they don’t have the self control to say what they aren’t happy with or are too tired/thirsty/hungry to know what they are unhappy with. Hopefully in a couple of years she will be able to articulate what is wrong rather than respond with the age appropriate emotional reaction of a tantrum.

So your toddler is trying to learn how to regulate herself with no help from the adults who are laughing at her and then shouting at the older kids who are also laughing?

Honestly OP remove your head from your arse. Stop laughing with DH and start working with toddler. Either soothe until she calms (arms clamped around her in a supportive hug, it suppresses the nervous system when it spirals) or remove her from the room until she calms.

You're not helping anyone but DH sounds like he's at the end of his tether with two preteens, a toddler with no help to regulate and a wife who doesn't seem to be any help.

Yet more minimising…

You said ‘he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see)’

And now you’re minimising…

Not physically abuse one of them would be a good start

If your DH hadn't been injured (a scratch really hurts) the whole thing may not have blown up.

Yes, an adult man with two step daughters and a child of his own, should have no emotional regulation or self control.

I've been hit, scratched and had my hair pulled out by a toddler (many of us have been, it's hardly uncommon behaviour during development) ..... I didn't lose my temper, swear, raise my voice and push other children because of it.

The key is how you raise the kids, we never had any 'who disciplines who' problems in our blended family

It does matter because if he didn’t really shout just used a serious voice and didn’t push just ushered then why are you so so angry at him?
I hope this thread has helped you to think about that. Either he went too far and you’re right to be furious or he didn’t and your response is wrong. Only you can work out which.

So basically you and their stepfather laugh when their half sibling tantrums and then he swears at and shoves them when they do the same thing (and you send them away)? You are both really in the wrong here - equally so.

You’re punishing them for having the same reaction as the adults and he’s compounding the problem with his behaviour.

If you want to maintain a good relationship with your older children you need to get this sorted. I had a stepfather growing up, and much as you may not want to hear this I believe that you and he will alienate them permanently if this goes on.

Cut the toddler's nails so she can't scratch, and keep them short. If your DH hadn't been injured (a scratch really hurts) the whole thing may not have blown up.

All I can think about is your poor baby struggling to regulate her emotions and her mum and dad sitting there laughing at her.

Nobody behaved well in this situation tbh.

Hi OP,

It sounds like he was stressed and behaved like many people would when stressed.
I think it's unrealistic for your husband to never reprimand your kids when you all live together.
4 people in a room with a toddler having a meltdown sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Regarding the tantrums, I listened to Janet Lansbury's podcast a lot when my two were having vicious meltdowns. I have built up much more conviction about what I'm doing, acting calmly with momentum and maintaining strong boundaries. Maybe it's not for everyone but I found it useful. Her focus is on calmness, empathy and having kind, firm boundaries. I found the idea of conviction and momentum really useful. For reference I'm generally alone minding my kids so I needed something that worked for me.

I agree that if you're laughing then it's double standards to expect the girls not to be laughing.

Unless he physically hurt your daughter, taking her by the shoulder and directing her out of the room wasn't a terrible thing to do. But it sounds out of character for him and it would be best to avoid you all getting this stressed from here on. 😊

I'm not sure why you have stressed that the older two are 'your children'. Sounds like he has been in their lives for a very long time and treats them as his own- which I guess he did in that highly stressful moment.

Yes the swearing isn't great but the older two were also not listening. I would let this incident go and use your energy to focus on how to help your youngest with managing behavior. At this age they are really deregulated as they make sense of the world around them.

Agree with all of this.

Has your husband apologised ? Is he sorry? Or does he feel it was acceptable to push your tween and shout "don't ever fucking laugh at her ".

Because that sounds like an implied threat to me. Possibly worse than the push. My next move would depend on his response this morning.

Re the tantrums I think you need to stop trying to manage them. Stay ahead of things yes, by making sure she isn't overtired (be strict about not letting bedtime run late, move it back a bit if it's been a busy day and she's tired) and if hair washing is a trigger once a week is enough to wash it a n did do it separate to bedtime (try something like having her lie on her back on kitchen counter and wash it in the sink, removes the water running down her face and into her mouth and eyes which is v stressful when you are little.
Once she is in the tantrum there's is no way to manage your way out of it, you just need to let it ride out. There's no need for 2 adults to be involved, no one should be trying to reason with her or talk to her by the time she's gotten to this point all that is doing is adding fuel and energy to the fire and will make her frustration worse and lengthen the process. One adult stays quietly at a distance to make she is safe, and you swop after 10-15 minutes - it's easier to stay calm yourself that way. The older girls need to be told that they are not to be hanging around the bathroom or landing when their sister is going to bed, either be in their rooms or downstairs for the same reason the second adult shouldn't be loitering around either. Explain to them that you understand that it can be both a bit funny and scary at the same time when she kicks off, you as the adults feel the same but this is the plan to deal with it from now on. Same if she goes into a tantrum downstairs, an audience is not helpful.
Re your husband, if this is not his usual behaviour and he regrets it I would let it go. Everyone is stressed, probably dreading bedtime because ye know how it's going to go, then it goes really bad, then he gets scratched (and I'm not sure why but a facial scratch is particularly upsetting imo, a child kicking or punching out at me doesn't really bother me but a scratch feels particularly invasive or something, like a bite does?), the older children aren't doing what they ve been asked (tbh I think you ve given them the wrong instruction, a person can't control their laughing as you and your husband experienced yourselves , especially in an emotionally volitile situation, they and the other adult need to leave the situation completely, then there's no audience and no laughing).
Sit down today and have a chat about last night, explain that it shouldn't have happened but that ye need to work as a family to get this under control