Husband shouted at my daughters

You’re minimising

your ten year old has told you that her step dad forcefully pushed her.

you heard him shout and swear, so you know he lost his temper but you’re now inclined to believe he didn’t actually push her. Stand up for your DD and parent your toddler properly

Having read through your posts, I take it that losing his tempered and swearing at people is not something your husband has ever done before. It should definitely never happen again, otherwise his apology is meaningless.

The main issue seems to be the toddler's tantrums and how you all (including your daughters) deal with it. I think that by the time it reaches a tantrum, it's too late and the situation is no longer is anyone's control, which is likely even more upsetting for your youngest and makes the tantrum last and increase in intensity.

I imagine is must be difficult to do, but I think it's important to figure out what causes it in the first place. Is it something medical or developmental? Are the baths just too late in the evening? Is the toddler overstimulated from the day already? Does she need to decompress before being able to handle a bath? Should it just be one of you bathing her at the time?

There are hundreds of reasons why this is happening, but I would make this my main focal point.

Swearing at them whether they were his children or not is definitely not on and deserves a conversation regardless.

With regards to why it matters is because depending on which scenario actually happened it would make me rethink how I saw him. If he spoke more sternly to them than normal but not aggressive and guided them away from the situation where you’re both stressed then I’d think it was okay, where as if he shouted at them and physically pushed them away then I’d have to have a serious talk with him about how inappropriate it was to react in such a way and I would not tolerate that response/reaction again. But that’s me and what I’d do.

They had been told to go upstairs to their rooms stop aggravating the situation but they were on the landing laughing. But you are right the adults don't come out of this well either, do as I say, not as I do. Probably it was amusing initially when the older children laughed but it would wear thin quickly. I don't suppose the parents are still laughing (as in amusement) much any more either if these tantrums are becoming a regular thing.

I think no laughing from anyone during the tantrums, staying calm, and trying find a distraction for little one when she’s kicking off. Try and understand what is the cause of the tantrum, is it for attention, is she frustrated or overwhelmed by something ? Is it at the same time each day? 2.8 years is the worse time for toddler tantrums IMO but as my DC got a bit older it was loads better, hang in there it’s gets easier. Just remember her communication skills are limited and that age and she's frustrated as she can’t tell us exactly that she’s feeling. Prob frustrates her more when everyone is laughing at her!

You've blown this up out of all proportion.
Its over, done, finished - and should be forgotten.
We all do stupid things when we're angry, so stop making a mountain of this and put it behind you. Its time to start again, no apologising, no blaming, just start behaving like adults.

Sorry OP but this seems like you’ve asked your older 2 children numerous times to stay out of the way and not encourage your toddlers behaviour. They do not listen and finally your toddlers father has had enough and finally disciplined the older 2.

Or, just maybe, he's reflected on his actions and is sorry??

I really don't think a box of Milk Tray constitutes love bombing.

good point

No her older sister was the one that says she wasn't pushed

So you say you're the disciplinarian but I don't think you are because your older girls continue to stand and laugh and exacerbate a stressful situation with the toddler. What do you do to discipline them when they continue to not do what they are told? Yeah your husband shouldn't have shouted but the toddler has just drew blood and the other 2 are standing there laughing. He knows he can't shout at the toddler but if the girls weren't there stirring it up then they wouldn't have got shouted at either. If you're the disciplinarian and he's not allowed to what did you do to remove them? Yes he should apologise but I would also re-enforce that they will be in future be properly disciplined from now on if they continue to stand and laugh at the toddler.

They we’re laughing at her because you two were laughing. A bit contradicting don’t you think

OP if you Google UK parenting classes / video courses / books you'll find loads of options, from free to pricy.

We wouldn't be allowed to get behind the wheel of a car without first of all having an experienced professional to guide us, and then a test to make sure we know what we're doing! Yet with babies ...

Seems so strange to me that parents are simply 'handed' a baby, or walk into someone else's family set up and are basically told to get on with it!

Your husband has had to do both.

It's a skill the same as driving is, and needs new knowledge and mindset and practise to develop and grow.

Not surprising so many just have to make it up as they go along. Not surprising there are crises and traumas.

@Unknown987 Cut and file the 2 yr old's nails so she can't scratch anyone while in a tantrum.

Sounds like her nails are very long if they caused such a mark on your husband's face.

Sounds like he was angry at the scratching, and definitely took it out on your older daughters, who must also really hate the noise and disruption caused by the tantrums.

Their 'laughing' isn't because they find it funny- they are probably wishing their household was calm and peaceful, they could well be annoyed at the new child disrupting the family life {as they might see it} - so their laughing is done to annoy the adults. {?}

A 2 yr old's behaviour shouldn't hold sway over a whole household like this, especially not if she's actually damaging things.

Oh come on! He knew he'd done something wrong and was working out his own way of apologising. According to OP this was a one-off and not part of any cycle of behaviour. Repeted shouting followed by gift giving, yes a red flag. This genuine apology? No.

Yeah I gift give (generally cook a fave meal) it's because I want to show I am serious about acknowledging my mistake and putting in effort to rectify by doing something that they like/love to show I take note and appreciate them.

In the red flag love bomb, I find the gift give coincides with brushing it under the carpet and a mentality of "I got you a gift, now shut up and never mention it again and pretend it never happened until next time"

He lost control, and we've all done that at times when you're being pushed to your absolute limits. I wouldn't hold it against him but I would expect it not to happen again. He needs to walk away if he's reaching his limits.

But you really shouldn't be laughing at your toddler, even if in despair. If she's safe where she is, walk away or turn your back, watch from a safe distance and only engage with her again when she's calm. Your reaction is giving her meltdowns a purpose - stop reacting and she'll learn that she gets nothing from it.

I saw helpful analogy recently (at least I thought it was helpful)

If someone is on a ship in stormy sea, and they’re terrified - get then look at the captain - if he looks calm you know you’ll be ok, he’s dealt with this before, you’ll be safe

an angry toddler needs the same. They need to know that however full of unmanageable feelings they are, that you are calm, you have managed this before, they’ll be ok.

my toddlers get the rage when they’re tired, hungry and / or over stimulated. Can you try and bath earlier in the day? Have a slower wind down period to bed?

when the inevitable occasional rages do happen I find that the best thing is one adult, a safe, dimly lit room and saying ‘I see you’re angry, I’m here when you’re ready for a cuddle’ works best. Sometimes is takes a while for it to blow through - but while they do they’re safe and supported by someone who isn’t scared of their big feelings. It must be so scary to feel all of that for them!

I think we sometimes hold step parents to a higher standard than biological parents.

I disagree that gift giving is necessarily a red flag. (Though I agree it could be as part of a cycle).

Refusing to apologise or silent treatment would be a red flag.

So he said - not shouted
Ushered, ie guided down the stairs

And he spoke clearly that he did not want them laughing at the toddler when they have a meltdown. Nothing wrong with that. The toddler thinks having a tantrum makes everyone laugh and it escalates, that also includes you and him not laughing.

You are making a bigger deal of this than it is. It has however, shown you all that as suggested a family meeting on how you collectively deal with the tantrums is needed.

Sounds like he is a good step dad and dad - he is dealing with tantrums aswell

He shouldn't have put his hands on your daughter.

I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them.

But why did you say he wasn't angry at them?

I'd be fuming if I was trying to deal with a toddler tantrum, and their siblings refused to go to their room as told, and started laughing and winding the toddler up instead.

He's not allowed to push them obviously, but he has every right to be angry at their behaviour.

Please look up love bombing and cycles of abuse.
This update about his response this morning with gift giving is a red flag

Start with a conversation with your daughters, do they ever feel intimidated or threatened by him or was this a one off for them too. Tell them they must always talk to you and you are there to listen.

Make it crystal clear to him you will have zero tolerance for verbal or physical abuse to your dds ever again. Do not accept excuses, or minimising, or anything other than genuine remorse and him being very keen to fix it.

Two parents laughing at a tantruming 2 year old is ridiculous . One person in the room patiently and calmly supervising and making sure they are safe is plenty and doesn't exacerbate the tantrum.