Husband shouted at my daughters

Replies like this are ridiculous and out of touch with reality.

It's dangerous and unhelpful to start telling someone they're being abused or their children are being abused when there's no evidence or red flags at all.

Decent but imperfect human beings lose their temper under pressure sometimes. Nobody in the family comes off looking great from this incident. Calling it abuse is obscene.

The op gave him the silent treatment, why isn't she being called an abuser?

Baby of the family. She's smarter than us all and speaks better than us on a bad day!

This is a a really odd thing to say. I bet your older dc would not be impressed 🤔😕

I also thought it was really weird to refer to a 2.8yo as a baby. She's not.

Maybe you're treating her like a baby??

There are plenty of books out there about how to deal with toddler tantrums.

Yes, you were lucky.

You've got it tough because your previous experience of easy kids is hindering you as opposed to helping, and DH as new dad has zero experience and looks to you to handle it as the mum (patriarchal hard wiring) and because you are assumed to be a pro as you've done it twice before.

Do you have friends with similar aged kids? Perhaps from playgroup? Can you ask them for tips on bathtime routine and handling tantrums? All this is easier IRL

He shouted at, verbally abused and physically pushed your dc?

This is serious imo. It's not acceptable. I don't care if he's stressed about a tantrum, it's no excuse. This is harmful to your dds, who are still young themselves.

If your dp is genuinely contrite, is able to apologise and explain why he was wrong to push and swear at them, maybe you could try again. Otherwise, I'd have said this is red flag territory. Don't allow your girls to be abused in their own home.

You would be "very concerned" about what the husband did ! Good lord, you really must live on a pink fluffy cloud.

It sounds like a really stressful situation with everyone upset. The 2 older girls shouldn't be laughing at the toddler. I don't see how your husband did anything really wrong. He swore once so yes, he was wrong there but he didn't hit or threaten your daughter. He'd had enough and was stressed out and hurt.
He'd just been attacked in the face, was almost bleeding and your daughters are laughing at the situation? Lovely. I don't think he deserves anger. He can apologise for the swearing and then a family conversation is needed where the sisters keep out of the way during meltdowns and you and your husband deal with it together and calmly. Poor toddler, obviously distressed with all the family laughing openly. I understand you and dh were laughing in despair not because they are entertained like your daughters appear to be.

They do not listen and finally your toddlers father has had enough and finally disciplined the older 2.

That's not discipline.

Shouting and "ushering" (🙄riiiight) is not discipline.

Why is a 2.8 yr old child being referred to as a baby all the time?

To get to the crux of the matter (or one of them), I don't know if he'd have acted the same towards your daughters if they were his.

Possibly.

In fact, perhaps more likely - because he'd think he had the right, even more so with his own kids.

It's not exactly great behaviour to inflict on kids or model for them, is it.

You sounds like you need help with your youngest child too.
Tantrums are common up to 4 (and maybe even older) I found, but this sounds quite bad. Sounds like you need new techniques to try.

It also sounds like the older ones could do with done responsibilities and chores, with rewards etc. and perhaps to be busy doing something else at times that the nearly 3 yr od is likely to kick off.
(Since hanging around laughing at it, is clearly not helping).

Don't be ridiculous. It's perfectly normal behaviour to buy someone a gift as part of an apology.

Christ, did you post that on your way back from a creative writing class?

So, he didn't actually shout, and he didn't push her, so other than swearing it doesn't sound like he actually did anything wrong. Cut him some slack.

FWIW when you and DH get stressed, the girls (and the baby) get stressed too.

The older ones response is going to be to try and help or perhaps even feel protective of their sibling.

The baby’s response is to have a bigger tantrum.

When young kids feel stressed they often laugh.

Even myself as a grown adult will laugh if I hear bad news or attend a funeral.
I can’t help it it’s purely a reaction.

You and DH obviously have this reaction too sometimes.
So why are children who cannot regulate their emotions very well getting sworn at for doing the exact same thing as the adults are doing.

How would you feel if DH was laughing and then you started laughing too and then he shouted and swore at you and pushed you out of the room?

Your update is promising, as you sound quite level headed.

But I’m struggling to understand this:

I just am struggling with baby tantrums and how to deal with it and this is all new to me.

You’ve had 2 kids before, so why is it all new to you?

Is it the fact you’ve got 2 bio DCs and now a shared one and you don’t know how to deal with that dynamic?

You and DH should be modelling how you want the girls to act.
If you don’t want them laughing about the situation, then don’t laugh yourself.

They want to help but don’t know what to do, so just copy you and DH.

They shouldn’t need to be sent to their rooms because you and DH can’t cope with a 3yo between you.

There is something odd about this dynamic that I can’t put my finger on.

You and DH are both struggling with your child’s behaviour, to the point DH shouted, swore and put his hands on a child.
(And all they were doing was copying you and DH).

Little kids having tantrums are incredibly difficult but I’m struggling to understand how you can both be so stressed out when there are 2 of you doing it.

How did you find the older ones at that age?

Do you and DH ever just take in turns to bath the LO or do you always do it together?

I'll be honest, I find this thread "inconsistent"..

You titled the thread "DH shouted at my daughters".

Then changed it to "raised his voice" because you say he speaks so quietly as a default.

Now it's back to a "shouting episode".

You said your daughter claimed he pushed her forcefully by the shoulder but that you didn't see it.

Then changed it to he definitely didn't push her forcefully, because the other daughter said he didn't.
Isn't that something you'd establish before posting on a forum with potentially 100s of replies? Wouldn't it be a rather significant thing to establish - given it takes this scenario into violence against a female child - to call a spade a spade.

That's presuming you established that after you started the thread.
If you established it before you started the thread why would you write that your DD claimed he pushed her forcefully but that you didn't see it ...and not mention anything about her sister saying he didn't (thus she must be lying/it didn't happen).

It's very hard to give advice when the main facts are being flip flopped on.

All I know is it sounds like an adult man shouted at your daughters and pushed one by the shoulder because he was stressed out by his child's tantrum and because she'd scraped him.
They were laughing at the situation...well, kids will do things like that. Maybe they should have been talked to about it before. Even if they had been talked to before now, and didn't stop doing it ..... An adult man shouting at them and pushing one is hardly a constructive, healthy way of dealing with it. Kids giggling and being silly doesn't mean they deserve abuse.

Let's face it, he did it cause he lost his temper. They shouldn't be being treated by their step Dad like that in their home. Not exactly a good male role model for their lives.

This was a one off. The whole family need to learn from it, and I hope the family meeting is a good one for everybody. A lot needs to change in the way everyone responds here.

I'm glad the DH has apologised. While it wasn't a good thing he did the girls don't seem damaged by it.

And as for the PP suggesting that the chocolate is love bombing and part of a cycle of abuse, that sort of leap could get you from here to Australia.

i haven't spoken to my husband since last night and creating this post - but before I could suggest anything he himself went out early this morning to go gym and brought back apology chocolates and spoke to the older two and apologised.

Apologising should have happened last night instead of everyone having to remain stressed about it overnight, it certainly should have been priortised instead of the gym and genuine apologies do no need chocolates.

Do not teach your dd cheap chocolates, or any gift, from a partner are an acceptable replacement for genuine remorse, accepting complete responsibility and taking positive action to ensure that never happens again.

Why are you sending your older DD’s to their rooms when your toddler has a tantrum?

Why are they being punished for you having another kid who’s behaviour you can’t control with another man who’s not their Dad?

I’m not surprised the older girls laugh, probably as a stress release, when they’re having to put up with a screaming banshee in the house who creates chaos and also hits them.

You need to remove the toddler to a safe area like hers or your bedroom, put her down somewhere soft and sit nearby without interacting to let her calm down.

This is a massive red flag that the stepfather has shown this behaviour to your daughters while under stress (probably hasn’t shown it before as not under this type of stress). That shows he sees them as someone who he can take his stress out on not as children to be protected. I’d make it clear to him that any further incident will mean he’s out. It’s your job to protect ALL your DC OP.

Stressful situations get to everyone and if it really is a one off and came with a proper apology this morning then it’s time to move on and come up with a better plan for all of you going forward.

do you send your other two away every time the little one has a tantrum? Do you and your husband always deal with them together? Because honestly it sounds like the little one gets masses of attention for these situations and that isn’t going to help.

one adult dealing with tantrum, with as little attention as possible, and the other doing something fun with the other two would be far better, even if you have to in and out every 5 minutes so neither of you loses your cool with the tantrum.

one off behaviour in 5 year is not a bad parent.

He is actually a new parent - dealing with his own childs tantrums for the first time - unlike OP who is on her third round. There is not a parent in the world who has not yelled/ spoken sharply to their child/ren when frustrated with behaviours - anyone who says otherwise is a liar

OP is obviosuly the perfect parent - so unless we are about to be drip fed whole load of other incidences -this is a - no one laughs at tantrums moment for all concerned and move on.

Swearing was not his finest hour but getting him not to touch "your children" was not your finest hour either. Toddlers can be stressful - and we can become irritated when stressed.

Sort bath time to fix the issue and share disciplinary role otherwise the older kids will play you off each other later and push boundaries as the line in the sand changes depending on who the audience is

I think pp suggestions about sitting down apologisng to girls but coming up with a solid plan to deal with tantrums is a must here.
We've all been there tantrums going on a you see red when your at the end of your tether. So step back . In future tag team the 2.5 yr old ao one of you steps out and vice versa so your not both about to cracked at the same time. Boundries- earlier bed/ bath time and wind down routine and just accept tantrums are a thing and you have to let them pass. Put baby in safe spot to vent if she gets physical and go in a cuddle when she's let most of it out.

For the older two. There's alot going on at those ages for them. Hormones, baby sibling now taking most of your 2 time and adjustments are still ongoing. You need to consider where they are in all of this. Yes you can send them up but make sure you go up to at least say goodnight etc even if baby is still kicking off. Tag team.

You need to sit them down discuss how it all got to much and he needs to apologise for swearing and pushing. Come up with new plan or ask them to go upstairs when u settle baby and you will go in and see them once she's settled etc. Set the routine. But don't tell dh off for asking girls to go up but how he did.