Husband shouted at my daughters

Not if the older kids have been brought up to not do that - not all kids need disciplining by a step parent

In trouble for what? For watching her mum and step-dad laughing and doing the same?

Maybe referring to the step-dad’s bio child as the ‘baby’ is a way of creating difference with the older children and allows the older ones to be held to different standards. In this case the very disturbing act of punishing the older children for laughing upstairs.

And abuse happens and goes unheard because if comments like this.

You do know that kids can lie especially if they are in trouble?

I agree it immediately says the kids can treat dad like shit he's of no consequences

Do you give in or reward with bribes?

A few things stand out ..
The girls are punished (in their eyes) by being sent upstairs if toddler kicks off....toddler gets all attention
Your not treating all children as equal in family your older girls are not his so they don't have to listen to him and can wind him up.
You say shouting then admit it was a firm voice....the voice recommended when saying I mean this...
The daughter says he pushed her....did he really or is this a division strategy?
You cuddle your toddler when she hurts daddy?
Lots of mixed messages that seem to be putting daddy in his place.

Dismissing and minimising the abusive behaviour of her husband.

That’s exactly what the OP said happened in one of her replies

“No he put a hand in her shoulder and was ushering them downstairs he didn't push her. Older one corroborated.”

She also said he didn’t shout just spoke louder than normal

Of course, it's unacceptable for your husband to shout and swear at your children. A hand on the shoulder is OK, if that's what happened. But physical force and pushing obviously wouldn't be. I'm glad your DH is remorseful and has offered an apology to the girls.

I think you've received some good advice about how to handle the youngest child's tantrums. But I also think it's important to look at your older girls' behaviour. It sounds as though they were unusually compliant toddlers. That may have set the tone for how you interact with them. However, as pre-teens they are no longer those compliant children for whom "no means no." Why didn't they go to their rooms when asked to? And why exactly were they laughing at their sister? It sounds as though they do this regularly. Is it a nervous reaction to the tension in the house when the little one is having a tantrum? Or is it an unkind reaction to her distress, jeering at her, intentionally intending to wind her up? In either case, I think it needs attention, but my response would be different depending on why they are laughing.

Ffs. Why do parents do this?!

Right so why are you doing these things when they are overtired - tiredness and hunger and huge triggers and yes you got lucky with your two

work out your battles - stop going in with 2 people pick a parent to do it and let them see if through then one can have the other two girls rather than sending them to their rooms when their sister has a tantrum

does she need to have a bath every day and if so what time, does she need to wash her hair etc

a smart 2/3 year old feels frustrated because she isn’t being listened to or allowed the agency she wants. Some things are non negotiable the rest well deicdr on thau

@YellowphantGrey I think you have misunderstood.

For some reason, OPhas consistently referred to her nearly three year old as a baby.

There is no baby.

What, all of them?

I also feel there’s missing info. Your toddler (not baby) is having exceptionally violent and prolonged tantrums and you, an experienced parent, have never experienced this kind of behaviour before.

Do you think there is some neurodivergence involved? It sounds hellish for the two older children.

Ask your husband how he would feel if you were living with another man who had pushed his DD around and shouted at them like he did?

You need some professional input to resolve these issues as at the moment your youngest is dominating your family and her behaviour is causing serious problems.

With a toddler having a temper tantrum and a baby continually crying and screaming, no wonder everyone is on edge

Ignore the toddler tantrums. As long as they can't hurt themselves, leave them. Fussing around them and picking them up can just add fuel to the fire. When they calm down, then go to them. They are doing it more often than not because they don't have the words or the ability to emotionly regulate and sometimes, it all just explodes.

What's causing the baby to cry? Are they getting upset because of the toddler noise?

One of you needs to take the baby, one of you be near for the toddler and all of you need to stop standing round and laughing at the toddler. The older two need to leave the room while the tantrum is happening and just leave one of you on there while the toddler works through it

This makes it sound like she is perhaps being spoiled?

The genetic father is there, and a child of almost 3 is far from being a baby.

The shiny new kid, while the older, ''good'' children are cast aside?

No way is a child of nearly three ''cleverer'' than four older people.

However- she may have the ability to be very manipulative - and have the entire

household running around out of fear of her noisy, disruptive tantrums.

Do what I want, Give me what I want or I'll scream and SCREAM.

The tantrums probably get far too much attention, so they are paying off.

What a weird comment.

If you truly believe that your 3 year old is smarter and more articulate than you, perhaps you spoil her because you are so "in awe"

Hence the tantrums

And how sad that you think your 3 year old is smarter and more articulate than your older children

This is a very strange thread 🙄😬

Well your daughter's didn't listen to you did they? You told them to go upstairs, you have told them in the past don't laugh at your sister's tantrums but clearly they paid no attention.
If they had your DH wouldn't have shouted or sworn at them. No it's not acceptable to shout or swear at the kids. Absolutely he should not have done that but your children also need to listen. Tbh I'd get them involved in something away from the bathroom and the toddler before you start bath time and tell them they need to stay there until after bath time. They are old enough to understand that.
So yes your husband needs to apologise but everyone needs to be on the same page.
Can you do bath time in the morning? Can she get involved, like choosing bath toys or helping to get her pyjamas ready. Or have you tried a shower instead?

Agreed. Nobody can lose their temper and shout at their kids ever or someone on mumsnet will call it 'abuse'. It detracts from the actual meaning of the word.

OP, I am also in a blended family. I am concerned by some of the things you say - like you 'left your first husband for less'. Obviously people can leave marriages for any reason but you seem to think your DH is totally out of order and first DH behaved similarly but less badly so you left. Also you are allowing your 10 year old to wield so much power than you would leave your husband - father of your younger dc - on her say so (reading one of your later posts).

I think there's a bit of Disney parenting of your older two going on here. Of course they shouldn't be laughing and getting in the way while a toddler is having a tantrum. They hadn't gone to their room as you had asked. DH got hurt and encountered them being silly and generally contributing to the situation. It's not ideal but it happens, it's not crime of the century. I suspect a large part of the problem is that you have said your older two laugh and almost encourage the tantrum behaviour. Clearly this is not helpful.