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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband shouted at my daughters

367 replies

Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 08:26

Bit of back story. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, 12 and 10. One with my current husband.
My husband has a very good relationship with my older two. He's the softer playful adult in the family whereas I'm more the disciplinarian. He is actively involved in all parts of their lives (discipline is left to me as my expectations are higher than his I guess). He has been in their lives 5 years.
our 2.8 year old has been having major tantrums recently - she has meltdowns over something she does not want to do (normally end of day when she is tired). This one was triggered by bath time. In these tantrums she is hitting crying screaming breaking anything around her. I would welcome any advice around this too?
Last night was a particularly bad tantrum. Both husband and I are fed up 10 mins in and we are laughing out of dispair while she is just going crazy on floor. My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.
Baby daughter scratched husbands face in the tantrum (really hard) almost drew blood so while I took her off him and restrained her the girls were on the landing and he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see) and he shouted at both older girls 'I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.'
Girls went down and I told him to calm down as we are at our wits end with baby's behaviour and I believe he took it out on the older two.
i am so disappointed with him and have told him never to swear or touch my girls again. I don't know how to be now. I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them. This has never happened before as normally it is me that tells the girls off and is seen as the 'mean' disciplinarian.
But Aibu to be angry at him?

OP posts:
jannier · 22/09/2024 17:54

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 16:49

The opening posts from the op state he shouted, he shoved her dd and he laughed at a toddler all because of a scratch and a tantrum.

The second people started pointing out his behaviour is out of order she has back pedalled and rewritten history.

That is sod all to do with me having an agenda which is what you have implied and is actually highly offensive.

It is everything to do with classic signs of someone being abused.

Show quote history

The op actually said they both laughed at the toddler

jannier · 22/09/2024 17:53

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 16:37

You have had it repeatedly pointed out where you have changed the narrative to minimise your husbands behaviour.

But you seem intent in try to facilitate & minimise his abuse of your older daughters. You have repeatedly altered the story...

I hppe it is because you are actually frightened of his behaviour amd ashamed of your reaction and failure to protect your kids. Get assistance, contact women's aid. But step up and do t allow him to abuse your children any further.

Show quote history

Why are you assuming abuse? Would you be doing so if it was a woman who shouted....then description changed to using a firm voice?
There are no indicators of abuse in what is written....and yes even if it's a one off shouting it wouldn't justify what you are suggesting for the sake of victims of abuse please stop and think.

jannier · 22/09/2024 17:49

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 15:29

And abuse happens and goes unheard because if comments like this.

Show quote history

You can't assume everything is abuse the op herself has changed from he shouted to admiring it was a stern voice. How much experience have you of child abuse?

CypressPeace · 22/09/2024 17:33

Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 16:23

My older two do respect their step dad. It's just he is the fun and games parent so he hardly ever needs to disciple.
if the girls cross the respect boundary to my husband or anyone else for that matter it is picked up.

If they are rude to him, is he allowed to discipline them?

dreamer24 · 22/09/2024 16:56

NerrSnerr · 22/09/2024 08:54

It seems so odd that you think it's ok for the adults to laugh at the 2 year old but not the children. They're just learning from you.

None of you laughing at the toddler is going to help the tantrums. That's not going to help resolve it at all.

This.

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 16:49

Saltedbutter · 22/09/2024 16:46

Yes, offensive. I don’t use that word lightly but I do find it offensive.
If you think this truly represents abuse, and I’ve not missed comment that give any context to suggest it is abuse, then I think there is a possibility your past may be making you look at this situation and seeing things that aren’t really there. Obviously, both you and I aren’t privy to the entire situation or OPs life but what’s mentioned here and Women’s Aid really don’t belong in the same thread.

Show quote history

The opening posts from the op state he shouted, he shoved her dd and he laughed at a toddler all because of a scratch and a tantrum.

The second people started pointing out his behaviour is out of order she has back pedalled and rewritten history.

That is sod all to do with me having an agenda which is what you have implied and is actually highly offensive.

It is everything to do with classic signs of someone being abused.

Saltedbutter · 22/09/2024 16:46

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 16:44

Really? Offensive?

Having survived dv I recognise the minimising of the abuse actually so yes I have suggested that living with a man who flips out over a little scratch from a toddler and shoves his step daughter towards stairs is abusive.

Show quote history

Yes, offensive. I don’t use that word lightly but I do find it offensive.
If you think this truly represents abuse, and I’ve not missed comment that give any context to suggest it is abuse, then I think there is a possibility your past may be making you look at this situation and seeing things that aren’t really there. Obviously, both you and I aren’t privy to the entire situation or OPs life but what’s mentioned here and Women’s Aid really don’t belong in the same thread.

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 16:44

Saltedbutter · 22/09/2024 16:41

You’ve not just seriously mentioned Women’s Aid as being relevant to OPs posts, have you?
As somebody who has been the victim of DV, you are deeply offensive, clueless and frightfully ignorant trivialising this as abuse. Jesus Christ.

Show quote history

Really? Offensive?

Having survived dv I recognise the minimising of the abuse actually so yes I have suggested that living with a man who flips out over a little scratch from a toddler and shoves his step daughter towards stairs is abusive.

mm81736 · 22/09/2024 16:42

Thr problem is not your dp, it is the child's tantrums.For a start could you stop calling her a baby, she isn't!

Saltedbutter · 22/09/2024 16:41

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 16:37

You have had it repeatedly pointed out where you have changed the narrative to minimise your husbands behaviour.

But you seem intent in try to facilitate & minimise his abuse of your older daughters. You have repeatedly altered the story...

I hppe it is because you are actually frightened of his behaviour amd ashamed of your reaction and failure to protect your kids. Get assistance, contact women's aid. But step up and do t allow him to abuse your children any further.

Show quote history

You’ve not just seriously mentioned Women’s Aid as being relevant to OPs posts, have you?
As somebody who has been the victim of DV, you are deeply offensive, clueless and frightfully ignorant trivialising this as abuse. Jesus Christ.

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 16:37

Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 15:41

How am I minimising? I'm offering whatever information I thought necessary to help advise. But if you think I'm pro husband over daughters than I can't change your view.

Show quote history

You have had it repeatedly pointed out where you have changed the narrative to minimise your husbands behaviour.

But you seem intent in try to facilitate & minimise his abuse of your older daughters. You have repeatedly altered the story...

I hppe it is because you are actually frightened of his behaviour amd ashamed of your reaction and failure to protect your kids. Get assistance, contact women's aid. But step up and do t allow him to abuse your children any further.

TheAlchemy · 22/09/2024 16:33

Some of the comments on here are really really really fucking disrespectful to women that are actually in dangerous and abusive relationships.

Original poster
Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 16:23

My older two do respect their step dad. It's just he is the fun and games parent so he hardly ever needs to disciple.
if the girls cross the respect boundary to my husband or anyone else for that matter it is picked up.

OP posts:
jannier · 22/09/2024 16:15

Allfur · 22/09/2024 15:35

Not if the older kids have been brought up to not do that - not all kids need disciplining by a step parent

Show quote history

It doesn't sound like the children are being taught to respect him though does it

jannier · 22/09/2024 16:13

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 22/09/2024 15:32

In trouble for what? For watching her mum and step-dad laughing and doing the same?

Show quote history

Dad's oh sorry step dad just told them off

Saltedbutter · 22/09/2024 15:48

Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 15:41

How am I minimising? I'm offering whatever information I thought necessary to help advise. But if you think I'm pro husband over daughters than I can't change your view.

Show quote history

You’re clearly not minimising.
I’d say at the start of this thread you were probably doing the opposite as you were worked up about the situation.
There will always be people on Mumsnet that get carried away and take it upon themselves to create a new narrative.
I hope you and your family have a lovely rest of Sunday and that you can put this, relatively minor, incident behind you.

Workhardcryharder · 22/09/2024 15:47

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 22/09/2024 09:25

Why on earth would you both laugh when your child is acting this way? Do you not see what sort of message that you are sending to your daughter? I really do not know how some people are allowed to become parents.

Show quote history

Seriously? Humans would cease to exist if laughing at a toddler having a tantrum is below the threshold for people being allowed to become parents. It’s not ideal but come on, that’s a bit strong 😂

DeccaM · 22/09/2024 15:45

Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 15:13

Their laughing is probably more linked to the former. They are not mean spirited children and have a lot of empathy for toddler and the rest of adults in the house and beyond.

Show quote history

In that case, I would talk to them about it, not in a telling off sort of way but just let them know that you and DH are working on getting a handle on their sister's tantrums, that you know it can be stressful to witness her distress but it's a developmental stage that she will grow out of. I'd also appeal to their sense of empathy by saying that she is a little girl who is coping with her emotions in the only way she knows how and that their laughter can exacerbate the situation whether they intend that or not. Reiterate how much she loves them and looks up to them (as I'm sure she does).

Why didn't they go to their rooms when you asked them to? Do they often ignore requests?

Original poster
Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 15:41

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 22/09/2024 15:39

I wouldn’t say the older sister is lying. OP is firmly in minimisation mode now so could be an unreliable narrator.

Show quote history

How am I minimising? I'm offering whatever information I thought necessary to help advise. But if you think I'm pro husband over daughters than I can't change your view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 15:40

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 22/09/2024 15:38

Sounds like it’s you and DH who call her the baby / baby daughter.

“I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.”

There isn’t a reference to ‘baby sister’ in any of
your posts.

Show quote history

There wouldn't be as it wasn't needed. Older girls are referred to as big sisters. It's contextual. But go ahead and read what you want for my reference to my youngest as a baby.

OP posts:
GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 22/09/2024 15:39

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/09/2024 15:35

Oh behave. She feels wronged being told to go away and is exaggerating the situation. Doesn't sound like they get told off much. The older sister says she wasn't pushed so are you saying she's lying then?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t say the older sister is lying. OP is firmly in minimisation mode now so could be an unreliable narrator.

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 22/09/2024 15:38

Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 15:34

Do you think maybe I maybe referring to my TODDLER as a baby because she's the baby of the family and has the title baby sister rather than toddler sister? It's an error. I didn't realise there would be so much analysis of the term used.

Sounds like it’s you and DH who call her the baby / baby daughter.

“I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.”

There isn’t a reference to ‘baby sister’ in any of
your posts.

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/09/2024 15:37

Unknown987 · 22/09/2024 15:34

Do you think maybe I maybe referring to my TODDLER as a baby because she's the baby of the family and has the title baby sister rather than toddler sister? It's an error. I didn't realise there would be so much analysis of the term used.

Yeah people are being mental. I'm 37 and my mum's side still refer to me as 'the wain' as in baby of the family 😂

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/09/2024 15:35

ThisBlueCrab · 22/09/2024 15:29

And abuse happens and goes unheard because if comments like this.

Show quote history

Oh behave. She feels wronged being told to go away and is exaggerating the situation. Doesn't sound like they get told off much. The older sister says she wasn't pushed so are you saying she's lying then?

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