Husband shouted at my daughters

ushering/pushing them along their way. Does it matter?

Well tbh, to me, yes it does matter quite a bit.

Ushering is totally different from pushing.

And you said your dd said it was a forceful push.

But that you didn't see it.

Does your dd have forn for lying?
Because, if she doesn't have significant form, i think it's unfair to assume she's lying.

It seems so odd that you think it's ok for the adults to laugh at the 2 year old but not the children. They're just learning from you.

None of you laughing at the toddler is going to help the tantrums. That's not going to help resolve it at all.

You cannot punish your older 2 for following your lead. You and dh are laughing so they have followed this behaviour.

Your dh shoved your dd. A 10 year old, near stairs. That could have ended very differently.

LTB and do better. Stop minimising his actions, he shouted then just talked more loudly than normal. Protect your girls and step up.

Then you'd be wrong.

But he's a man.

Even worse.

Firstly why is anyone laughing at your DD having a tantrum? That's just horrible and should've been clamped down on much earlier.

Regarding his behaviour, it's really not okay but it does sound like he was at the absolute end of his tether. It's really nasty to laugh at a distressed 2 year old.

Stop laughing at the 2 year olds distress. 4 of you.laughing at her? Think about it. No wonder she's not calming down. Would you calm down while 4 people laughed at you?

It's good to decide how you want to handle these tantrums and then just be consistent. Some people ignore, others stay nearby offer hugs when the child is ready. All of you could try the same tactic for a week and see if you feel it's working. If not try something different.

This

You’ve gone from saying he shouted at them to “well not really shouted he just raised his voice from his normally soft spoken tone” and from he pushed my younger one while she was near the top of the stairs to “well he didn’t really push her, he put his hand on her shoulder to gently guide them to go down stairs”. So which ones are true?

I think you need to set up a different post about handling the littlest one.

He shouldn't have sworn at them but your children had ignored your attempt to discipline. You told them to go to their room and they hadn't. Your husband is right to be frustrated by your children making toddler's tantrums worse when they've already been told to leave.
He needs to be able to discipline all children just like you do. You've said he's not as strict as you so why wouldn't you have combined parenting?
The tantrums at bath time, can you try bath time when the older children aren't home? Toddler doesn't need to be bathed at bedtime when they are tired.

The elder children were making a bad problem worse. They'd been told.

He was overwhelmed and took it out on your DC. Your DC were just doing what you and your husband have taught them to do in this situation. He needs to apologise to them today then you both need to find strategies to help your toddler regulate her emotions rather than leaving her to deal with it herself whilst laughing at her. You need to be the calm for your DC, talking calmly, offering cuddles, discussing big emotions and helping her deescalate.

Create a safe space you can leave her to tantrum and walk away.

Offer hugs every couple of minutes. Apart from that, give them no air time.

Currently 2yo is ruling the roost.

I agree with @Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie a calm meeting to discuss how to deal with the toddlers melt downs with the older 2.

However if toddler scratched pm his face enough to almost draw blood I do understand why in frustration 2 girls laughing could feel very annoying (not saying it was a good way he handled it)

However family meeting. Agenda how do we as a family deal with the tantrums. What makes them go away the quickest. Listen to the girls and allow them input.

Dh needs to apologise and the girls should for laughing and not leaving you be as told. Then find a way forward that works for all.

Sounds like the scratch really caused a big wave of stress / cortisol for him and he lost it. I’m sure the shock of him shouting at them if he never has before made it feel especially bad for them.

Separately you cannot expect the kids not to laugh if you are - they were literally doing what they learnt from you guys.

On the whole though, it’s one of those stressful situations that crop up in families and nothing that can’t be sorted by a proper talk, apology/ies, and a better plan / expectations for what happens next time. Caveated by saying if it was a truly forceful push (could’ve potentially pushed her over or into an object and so was violence) that’s a different matter.

Also, you know him, you were there, provided this is definitely a one off and you aren’t turning a blind eye to anything, do listen to your gut.

You laughed and the girls did the same. They were just copying. And got abused for it. It all sounds very grim and neither of you sound very competent. I think parenting classes might be the way to go.

Let’s not pretend here that the majority of families would smile and skip through this scenario. Your girls were wrong to be laughing at their little sister’s tantrum, as were yourself and your DH. I can imagine myself yelling at the older two to stop if the situation was getting out of control. I could imagine myself putting my hand on my DD’s arm and tell her to just go to her room, not a push though, just a firm go I think you all need to have a chat this morning, with apologies and boundaries and expectations on how to handle things going forward.

Agree- they need to get a handle on these tantrums quickly.

But the adults themselves were laughing at the toddler. The older kids were taking their cue from the adults. Then they get punished by being physically pushed and shouted at.

The OP and her DH both need to take a long hard look at their parenting.