Husband shouted at my daughters

I’d argue that it’s disbursing that somebody as one dimensional as you raising children is disturbing. You’ve already accused me of not having a brain so it shows your threshold for resorting to insults is quite low - I worry for your children, do you often insult them? (You see - we can all be as facetious as you!)

I really wouldn't do this. You have a child that is really struggling to manage her emotions. Shutting her away won't help and will likely make her and the situation as a whole worse. She needs to be taught and helped to calm. Distraction, calm voices, cuddles (if wanted) and lots of discussions re feelings and big emotions when she is calm/in general life so your DD can vocalise how she is feeling. It is OK and natural to feel angry, sad and disappointed some times. Your DD needs to know that, not hide those 'bad' feelings away.

Instead of focusing on your husband, who by your own admission is the softer, more playful parent and has been great with your girls since day one, I would focus on why your daughters are so unpleasant and look at working on how to improve that.

Your dh should definitely not have sworn at them, but it sounds like he was at his wits end. Instead of leaving like they were asked to, they stood there laughing. Do they normally get pleasure out of watching their little sister so distressed? They seem to actively seek out where the poor baby is in the house to go and watch and laugh. This surely makes the baby even more upset. It’s actually quite vile behaviour and you are posting about your husband.

Do you honestly think that pushing a child away from an already stressful situation after they had already been told to move is a bad thing?

Yes, I do think that a grown man who's lost his temper putting his hands on and pushing a young girl by the shoulder (her step Dad in her home) is a 'bad thing".

The fact that you don't think it's a bad thing is disturbing.

None of you should be laughing at an upset child. You as parents made this acceptable.

Then one day OH cracked and lashed out randomly. Imagine that poor little child having a whole family laugh at them being upset. If you were angry or crying I'm guessing people laughing at you wouldn't help.

DH needs to apologise. I understand why he was angry but neither of you should have let it get this far.

I agree with the above, agree how to deal with tantrums.First rule, you do not hit or scratch. If you do were stepping away. When you can stop we can give you a hug.

I think its difficult though and you have to agree what works for your own child. Ie what's triggering anger. I wouldn't call it tantrums as I think its dismissive of their emotions and triggers.

Ensure there's a clear routine, kind words where possible and boundaries.

It's always worth reading all the OP's posts before having a go at other posters...

Pushing a child on the shoulder who is refusing to go where requested towards where they have been asked to go isn’t bloody abuse.

You're wrong.

Maybe go and do the freedom program or speak to women's aid.

If you're raising kids, that's disturbing.

Have you ever met a 10 year old? Do you honestly think that pushing a child away from an already stressful situation after they had already been told to move is a bad thing?

On the topic of the tantrums.
Don't both tackle it together!

Minimise all stimulation.
One leaves the other stays. Then swap over when that one is losing their cool.
The parent who stays, just is close by doesn't do anything that baby would need to react to it process... So no talking to baby, just be a calm, solid, neutral presence.
Occasionally calmly say 'I'm here, it's ok' and 'when you're ready, we can hug'.

When it blows over you say 'those were big emotions, come here, have a hug'.
Give baby a hug that lasts until baby is ready to break away. You can stroke her hair and say, that was a lot wasn't it, but we can be calm now'.

Sounds like whatever bedtime is... It is too much
Try a longer wind down before bedtime, services going off, and getting teeth cleaned earlier before she's really tired.
Scrap the bath or do it much earlier.
So by the time she's at this 'totally fried' stage all you need to do is read a story quietly in bed and tuck her in.

You're trivialising abuse, not me.

Abuse is a wide range.

People with a brain get that concept.

It sounds like your 2 older girls were not doing as they were told, thus making an already stressful situation worse. Let’s be honest here - if the roles were reversed and your DH had the 2 yr old after she scratched your face, what would you have done regarding the older 2 still laughing? Would they have gone straight to their room if you told them? Would you have shouted at them? Would you have pushed them towards their room if they hadn’t moved voluntarily?

That is the very last strategy I'd consider using for a child less than 3 years old exhibiting this behaviour.

Once you frame it as a 2.8 "being naughty" you've got absolutely no hope in a) helping your child manage themselves in this circumstance and b) controlling your own emotional response.

I'd think very carefully before taking that sort of parenting advice from strangers on the internet who don't know anything about your child.

Go read the book I mentioned I suspect it will help you.

Pushing a child on the shoulder who is refusing to go where requested towards where they have been asked to go isn’t bloody abuse. Stop trivialising abuse. It’s downright offensive.

So op is saying that her younger girl is a liar??

About something as significant as having her step dad pushing her?

Hmm.

Which only appeared after she was called out on minimising his abuse.

Again, you both need educating in parenting young teens because that's only going to get worse now.

Yep

Ops actual post confirming he DIDNT push.

But I would find it strange to be with my husband for five years and he was not allowed to discipline the two older children.

He didnt "discipline" them, he lost his temper when he was scratched deeply by his own child; and then raised his voice and pushed one of them by the shoulder.

Re toddler meltdown - your husband needs educating. He's never been here before.

You have.

You have done this twice before and should have a stock of wisdom or the sense to get proper training on how to deal with something the other two maybe didn't do.

Asking here is a start.

Re shouting and hands on - no. It's the adult's job to deal with how they feel in an adult way. If a son had done this, there would be punishment.

Again, you both need educating in parenting young teens because that's only going to get worse now.

And reacting like that over the same behaviour they'd just seen the adults role modelling, ie laughing at meltdown??

Could be a primeval thing - 'another man's children don't get to mock MY child'? Keep an eye on that.

👌

This. It's very different situations! Are you really wanting to enter a situation where he only is able to parent your shared child and not the elder 2? Or are you meaning he can't parent as in discipline but will be expected to share all other aspects of parenting?

Same

Well then you're a problem as a parent and person.

You don't have a right to push around your own kids, let alone your step kids.