Husband shouted at my daughters

My point was that you should reserve your ire for the OP who has changed her story, not the poster who quoted her.

And it's spelt "love", my petal.

You talk as a family I think is the way forward

you need to make it clear he was not angry at the two year old (because saying he was angry was wrong) and that laughing at the situation isn’t on
he needs to apologise to them for swearing and for saying what he did - parenting can get the better of all of us but he still should say sorry

they should also say sorry because laughing isn’t nice eithrr

then together come up with boundaries and methods of handling the tantrums

If that's what happened.

🙄

My response to you was directly to your comments "Why on earth would you both laugh when your child is acting this way?" and "I really do not know how some people are allowed to become parents."

I'm not suggesting it's desirable behaviour, partly for the reasons you've just articulated.

OP if the tantrums are normally when LO is tired then the worst thing to do is to make her have her hair washed before bed when she's tired and you know she doesn't like it. You are probably all tired too at the end of the day which isn't going to help. She definitely doesn't need her hair washing every day, just do it a couple of times a week on a Sunday morning and then one morning in the week or earlier in the day. It doesn't have to be done before bed. Make bath time fun with toys and make sure the shampoo doesn't get in her eyes. When it comes to sweets don't expect her to be able to share them yet, just give her what are hers. A 2 year old really shouldn't be having sweets very often, if at all, anyway.

You as parents need to model the behaviour you want. Laughing at tantrums is obviously completely the wrong thing to do, but how can you be surprised or angry that your daughters are doing it? They're copying you. Why do you expect better behaviour from them then you display yourselves?

Your DH swearing and pushing them is completely unacceptable and I hope he can see this and apologies. If he thinks he did nothing wrong then I would be seriously concerned. If he even touches them again then he needs to know he will be out.

A few observations from me (from someone who.many years ago had a tantruming toddler). Find a decent book about strategies to deal with it and ensure everyone follows the same strategy. However each tantrum can be dealt with by one parent. Having an audience really doesn't help.

You and you dh need a really good talk about this and I wouldn't be happy with anyone swearing at my child or shoving or pushing them. I'm assuming this is his first experience of parenthood so spell out to him that swearing, physical stuff is that line he cannot cross, regardless of how angry he feels.

I'd also talk and listen properly to your dds. They will be teenagers soon and this could drive a wedge. Don't minimise their feelings because this is also a lot for them to deal with.

Re the tantrums, my lo will just calmly lie down wherever and start crying. At home/safe space, I just wait and don’t pay much attention. I don’t entertain the tantrum and if they need to get the emotions out I think that’s okay and they don’t need it to be a show. In public I just stand quietly and wait. It has NEVER lasted more than a minute, maybe two. He gets back up and comes for his cuddles and then I obviously try and help him. If it’s an unsafe space, obviously he gets picked up promptly and held or put in the buggy etc and that’s usually enough
but laughing at someone having a meltdown, least of all your own child is immature, insensitive and nasty.

It might be very black and white but the way I see it is there are two older children who see their parents laughing when their toddler has a tantrum so the two other children think it's funny because the parents are laughing, the children do not see it as wrong because of course parents are laughing but then parents are upset because the children are laughing, toddler sees both mum, dad and the children laughing so thinks there's nothing wrong with the behaviour, can you see where this is going?

I think you are being unfair on him. He lost his temper in a stressful situation. It just proves that he too is human and that he has his limits. It might be good for your older girls to also see that about him. I suggest you sit down and talk to them about it and he can apologize for losing his temper, but be doesn't need to be demonized for it. Try to develop a strategy among the four of you for dealing with these situations in future. Maybe the older girls will be able to help and feel less stressed by the situation themselves if you have a plan.

Please please please do not try this!
When your little girl is having a tantrum of this magnitude she is not in control of her emotions or her body. It will be incredibly scary for her, can you imagine her then being picked up and shut in a room all by herself. All she will learn is that she can’t rely on her mummy and daddy to help her and protect her. Because in this moment she needs to know that she is protected. Sit calmly in the room with her while she works it through and she will eventually put her arms out for a hug or ask for one. Immediately give her a hug and for as long as she needs it. Tell her it’s ok, that you love her, ask her if she was feeling sad/angry etc, help her to name the emotions. Don’t give in to whatever the tantrum was over, but help her and support her to be calm.

We dealt with this when our oldest DS was this age, and are dealing with it now with our third child, DD. Our middle child’s “tantrums” were barely worth acknowledging. Just as an aside, frequent tantrums of this scale, lasting this long are often a first sign of ADHD. Our oldest is diagnosed, we didn’t notice other signs until he started school. Our DD is showing similar signs, apart from the epic tantrums. She can’t sit still in her seat at dinner, flits from one game to another etc. We notice it more as our middle child is not this way at all. So is just something we will be keeping an eye on with her.
Just something for you to consider. I also had epic tantrums as a child apparently, and have some ADHD tendencies, although not enough to need to persue a diagnosis.

There is a huge internal pressure from within the parent of a child exhibiting this behaviour to try and be outwardly calm and controlled whilst managing the situation.

It induces a huge stress response when you are faced with these extreme emotions and it's very distressing for a parent to see their child so visibly upset. Particularly when you know what's best for them at the time (I.e. get quickly.through bathtime etc so an exhausted child can go to bed).

It's very challenging to deal with as a consequence.

It's fairly easy to see how a parent might try to "stay in control" themselves by going a bit too far in trying to internally minimise their own reaction and that of the other adults around them by "laughing it off". Just as some parents might not manage to control themselves at all, in which case the best choice is to make the child safe and remove yourself from the situation temporarily.

Your looking at it from a very basic, black and white point of view and it's not as straightforward as you are implying.

I think you are overreacting and focussing on the wrong thing.

Laughing at a child having a tantrum is not going to help with the tantrum.

He was physically hurt in the midst of a tantrum and overreacted in the moment. As a one off, I don’t see the big deal. Sit him down with the elder girls and he can apologise and explain.

But don’t make him public enemy of the house over this.

You and your husband laugh at the toddlers tantrums. Why should the older children NOT laugh?

Why are they disciplined for doing what the adults do?

Make a "tantrum safe space" for the toddler and immediately she starts tantrumming take her there

One adult stays with her. Not speaking or touching. Just waiting.

Rinse and repeat

Do not laugh or interact until tantrum is over

Husband should apologise to your daughter/s for swearing and pushing/physically instructing and for being angry about THEM laughing because its what HE does

Watch out for ANY signs that this happens again

If it does - get rid of him

Since when are 10 and 12 year olds large children?
As for pushing them for laughing at something that your laughing at, it's good to know that you think assaulting children for copying your stress reactions ok, I hope you tell people who's kids your around this because I doubt that any decent parents will want you near there kids. Me I'd have you arrested for assaulting my kids

You can discuss the tantrums afterwards. In the moment, there's no point trying to reason with a toddler. Work out what works for them. It sounds like you've tried the "being present" approach and that isn't working. So try removing her.

I feel sorry for the 2 year old in all this mess - being disciplined for not sharing sweets? How did you manage with the tantrums with your older children? Toddlers have tantrums - they are still babies and you should be gentle and help them with big emotions - not laugh at them, that’s just cruel.

They didn’t get abused that’s far to strong of a word for someone putting a hand on a shoulder and ushering them down the stairs

Why on earth would you both laugh when your child is acting this way? Do you not see what sort of message that you are sending to your daughter? I really do not know how some people are allowed to become parents.

A tantruming child of that age isn't trying to 'gain anything' they're caught in a storm of huge emotions that they don't understand and can't control.
Putting the child alone is at least not escalating things and children will learn to manage their emotions eventually anyway.. .
But shutting them away isn't showing them they're not going to gain anything it's just leaving them to cope alone, which they will.
But better to provide loving support imo.
A calm solid rock to reassure and sooth them afterwards is good as huge emotions are scary and exhausting.
Then you can help them understand them when things are calm.
I used to say things like 'you were very tired and the water on your head got too much didn't it' to help them process and understand it in age appropriate language.
Then you can say things like, shall we do your bath before your tired tomorrow then you can enjoy it instead?
Constructive changes.
Given this is a long running pattern she will also have strong negative associations with bathrooms herself by now which probably means she's tense before it even goes wrong

These blended families are a mess.

I am not saying your children are vile. However, the act of anyone seeking out someone in distress so they can watch and laugh is vile - whether it is a child or an adult.

Your dh needs to know that his behaviour was unacceptable. By the same token your daughters need to understand that too. If the baby is distressed and having a meltdown, they can either try and help or leave and not make the situation worse. I can’t imagine how stressful the situation is for everyone. However, everyone is responsible for their own actions, including a 10 and 12 year old. In the situation you describe, they were asked to leave multiple times and chose to not only ignore the instruction but carry on watching and laughing. Can you not see that that is extremely unpleasant behaviour? It’s not a coping mechanism if they have been asked to leave but refuse to as they are finding their baby sisters distress too entertaining to miss out on.

Just to be clear, as it was me who said I used to pop my daughter in another room, I (obviously) am in no way qualified as a Child Behaviourist I am just sharing anecdotal parenting stories. My daughter would get worse and worse and I tried everything. Quietness is still what calms my daughter down over any situation.
I don’t seem to have fucked her up in any way but seeing at how quickly people have disagreed with my ‘method’ perhaps give it a swerve 😬

It's always worth while having a bit of scepticism luv.

And perhaps not automatically believing things when it's conveniently cleared up that a child was lying.

The op started by saying that her child said she was forcefully pushed and that she herself didn't see it.
Then she says a few posts later that her older child corroborated that the child wasn't forcefully pushed.
So, if she the op knew that she wasn't, why say "she says she was forcefully pushed but I didn't see it" or words to that effect?
Why would even say that if you already knew that was lie or at the very least an exaggeration??

Or has the op conveniently got that clarification off her older DD within a few posts during this busy thread. Would you not get the story straight before you posted for advice?

Even if true, if your child lies about their step father forcefully pushing them, you have problems (on top of the other problems here).

Laughing at or allowing others to laugh at a distressed upset child is really dark and troubling.