Husband shouted at my daughters

I think he made a mistake. But this is the first time. As longs as he sees it was wrong and is committed to not doing it again I think let it go. I lost my temper with my DS recently and feel dreadful. But have apologized and am really committed to not doing it again. This is the same

Agree.
I bet all most of us have lost our rag at some point in parenting.
If it's a pattern, or people's experiences of the event are dismissed, ignored or belittled (including baby) there's a problem.
If it's out of character and everyone responds to each other considerately and appropriately, thinking about what happened, listening and putting things right properly, all necessary apologies and plans to avoid similar in future, then that's human and reasonable.

No I would not be ok with this.

If you and DH was struggling and the girls were stood there laughing at you, then I would understand your frustration.

But it was you and DH laughing and your girls just joined in, they were literally doing the same thing you were both doing - but yet they got shouted and pushed for it.

How can you shout at them for doing the same thing as both of the adults are doing.

I do understand being at the end of your tether but there’s no reason to shout/swear or put your hands on a child.

I’m struggling to understand why he’s so stressed out over it when there are 2 of you?

Why were you both trying to get her in the bath?
No wonder she doesn’t like it.

It only takes 1 of you and if they’re getting stressed then you switch over.

If he was getting so stressed out that he shouted/swore and pushed a child, then he should have removed himself from the situation.
If he pushed the baby like this then he could have actually hurt her.

I would be telling him that this is unacceptable and you will never allow it again.

Tell him to recognise when he’s getting stressed and to remove himself before he puts hands on any of the kids.

Then I would get him to apologise to the older ones and you can say how his behaviour was completely wrong.

Is this your DH’s first child?

Kids are difficult but you’re both struggling way more than most parents do (that’s not a dig just a genuine concern/observation).

She's not* a baby

Calling an almost 3 year old "the baby" isn't going to help.She's not a baby, stop treating her as one and start parenting her properly.

Laughing at a tantrumming child is spectacularly shit. You are pouring fuel on a fire.
Swearing at your older daughters for copying behaviour you have modelled (ie laughing) is appalling and I've actually no words to describe how I feel about pushing a child at the top of stairs.

You two need to get yourselves on a parenting course.

In regards to Tantrums, my LO has epic all nighter ones. (Possible issues being investigated)

We divide and conquer, once one of us is at our limit we swap then just keep doing that.

I generally take baby into a quiet room, no stimuli. So dark, curtains drawn, dim lighting, just soothing music on in background. (Like calm classical) I don't talk, as everytime I say anything it seems to set her off again (guessing Can't cope with any added senses being triggered) Then it's just being present and following cues. If she pushes you away I just let her let it out but I'm there to hold her arms, or block her head if she's headbanging. If she reaches out I will stroke her back or whatever she's cueing for.
I have warm milk on stand by and a dummy as it tends to soothe her once her screams become intermittent.

For us it's patience and perseverance. The minute you get stressed or your tone changes I swear they can smell your fear 😂😂 and then it starts again. I just try to create calm, as I know when I'm stressed out loud noises or a lot going on makes it worse so presume that's amplified for little ones with limited emotional regulation skills.

The more you guide them how to deescalate the quicker calming down takes. I had a breakthrough where she grabbed her milk herself and started calming down then came for a cuddle 😂😂 after a year of attempts FINALLY haha.

Obvs some nights are worse then others and overtired causes a massive Ballache for us too.

Not sure about your husbands reaction, it can be pretty hardcore to remain zen in the moment, but he's going to have to learn to cope with being provoked accidentally as it can always get worse 😅 my LO burst my eardrum mid tantrum once 😂😂 not shouting out was a quite a task. Was deaf as a post on ear drops for ages after.

'Boyfriend'? They're married and have a child together.

OP, I'm glad you've said you don't normally laugh at your DD's tantrums, and although your husband obviously shouldn't have expressed himself the way he did, he's not wrong that your older DDs need to stop laughing at their sister when she's upset. Your youngest is very little now but over time it can be disastrous for a child's self-esteem if their distress is repeatedly laughed at. I'm speaking from personal experience here unfortunately. It does sound very difficult with your youngest atm though, and I hope things get easier soon.

The Girls were asked to leave the situation and they didn’t. What would you have liked your dp to do?

2 girls laughing, not leaving the areas, baby screaming.
what would you have him do?

My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.

While the swearing wasn’t great, I’m not surprised your DH flipped out at them.
This really needs to addressed, it is very unkind of your DDs.
They totally deserved the raised voice and being ushered away, if that is what happened. A push would be out of order.

So how many people would agree to then take on childcare in their parents absence for children in their family, who they couldn't 'tell what to do' (and I know this will be misconstrued..)
School holidays...op at work. the dh isn't permitted to tell off the older 2?
12 yo says 'I'm going out all day with some older boys, you can't stop me'
Dh- yep, crack on, you do what you want.

Reinforcing positive behavior worked for us at that age. Get a blank book and shed load of stickers. Every time the toddler has done something remotely positive, make a big deal, lots of claps and a reward of a stick in the book. Let her know that when a page is filled, she will get a little gift. Get some cheap plastic crap toy as the bigger reward. This really worked and also we used this for potty training as well.

Everyone has to stop the laughing as it's belittling and won't help though it might lighten the mood for the grown ups in that short moment.

Good luck and remember 'This too shall pass'.

TBH it sounds like your toddler is ruling the roost. I'd ignore her behaviour and speak to her when she's calmed down. Way too much attention focussed on her behaviour. Have a look at Super nanny. I think that it's understandable that your DH raised his voice.

They have copied the way the ADULTS have handled tantrums at the ops own admission.

You cannot shout at or discipline them for following that lead!

I dont agree that he needs to be able to discipline all the children, as some posters have suggested. It is not how we did it in our house at all. He was bang out of order for his lack of control.

You may be getting unnecessarily stressed about two year old tantrums. When DD went through a phase of having them, once I had ascertained that there was nothing actually wrong - i.e. she wasn't hungry, thirsty, ill, in discomfort or in pain - and that nothing would console her, I would put her somewhere safe where she couldn't hurt herself or others or destroy things and just leave her to it, till the tantrum blew itself out. It was really quite restful.

I would have shouted at them too, a tantrum from a two year old is one thing, two older children adding to the chaos I could definitely do without. Hopefully they won't do it again.

Google “mother’s boyfriend”. These blended families can be very difficult

He shouldn’t have acted as he did but discipline in your house sounds like an absolute riot. Why is your 2 year old behaving so badly and the rest of you laughing at her?

Has he apologised to your DDs especially the one he touched - off his own back?

To be honest though I would find it hard that he laid a hand on her. I couldn’t move past it.

What does he think happened and why? This sounds like you trying to solve things, but it was his action that was an issue. A few things to help in the meantime

1. Small children don't need daily baths. If the bedtime routine doesn't work because she is too tired, do something else. Lots of calm cuddles and modeling behaviour. She will learn how to calm down from actions, not words.
2. Older kids have a discussion on how things will change now. We were laughing before, now that stops. No blame or shame needed, just group change.
3. Everyone needs a break at times. Make sure you all have time to unstress.
4. I think you may have higher expectations of a 2 year old than she will be able to achieve. Of course she won't share sweets and will try to grab them if seen. She is tiny and has zero impulse control. Keep redirecting and she will get there.

Her op said he shoced the dd. She has back pedalled since people have said his behaviour was out of order.

Is there a reason you are minimising abuse?

Pushing a child in the right direction (and op has been clear it wasn’t a shove) is not assault. I don’t think the police would be very interested in your accusation.
im not going to get into an argument about whether i’m a child abuser. That’s extremely offensive not just to me to also to anyone that’s been assaulted.

💯 this

Has he apologised to the girls? Has he taken them aside and explained, seriously, that you are all under a lot of pressure and that what he did was wrong and he shouldn’t have sworn and he’s very sorry? Have the girls accepted the apology and how do they feel about the situation now? Do you need to broker some kind of conversation to discuss this between you all ideally when toddler is asleep?

I think how everyone reacts and responds to the situation going forward will be a big indicator of what to do next. If husband doubles down and sulks you have a big problem on your hands.

OK, it's not a massive deal. He needs to apologise to your daughter(s) and he needs to understand it's not OK to take out his frustration on them. The pushing was not OK and should never be physical with them in anger.

The girls are old enough to understand that them laughing at a tantrum is not appropriate. But if that is how they see you reacting it's understandable that they did.

Is toddler dd overtired? How is she with water generally - swimming etc? Can you try bathtime in the mornings (or reduce hair wash to a weekend morning when you have time)? Get bathtimes to be a fun thing with loads of toys rather than a battle over getting clean and just spongewipe face, hands, bum...