Negativity around boys from mums of girls

“not to become indebted to her in-laws at whim“

I think there’s a huge difference between this and what I do which is playing a lesser part - alongside my DH who plays the main part - in forging and maintaining a good relationship between my DC and her grandparents (my DH’s parents). I don’t see this as me doing Women’s Work. My husband also says “We should see your folks this weekend.”

I just think the more positive, high quality relationships my DC have, the better.

No the problem is men who can not be arsed. Put the blame where it belongs. Men.

They are ones who should be facilitating the relationship between their child and their parents.

The mother has no obligation just because she might be on maternity leave. That leave is for her to recover and raise her child not to become indebted to her in-laws at whim. She can visit who she likes as her joy or for help because she wants/needs it. It’s not for demands to be made of her by other adults.

I say it everytime. If you don’t have a call in for a coffee, let’s go shopping or whatever relationship with your DIL before she is pregnant you cannot suddenly expect it once she has a baby. You’re treating her like an incubator and nanny to your grandchild at that point. That’s not pleasant.

No, the problem is that her son doesn't want to visit.

Me not wanting to visit in his place, on my own, to take the baby to see her is not the problem.

I would never expect my husband to take the baby to see my parents for a few hours on his day off without me because I don't want to go. And no one would ever expect him to. Expecting women to facilitate the contact between babies and in laws is sexist bs.

If you don't get to see a lot of your grandchildren because your son doesn't want to visit. The DIL is certainly NOT the problem.

That's definitely the key, raising your son's to be close to the family and visit as often as daughters do. It's definitely doable!

My dad and uncle both visit my grandma every week and have their whole lives, and therefore I spent so much time with her as a child I also visit her weekly now, she's like a second mother to me.

It's sad that most men don't engage in the family as much as women but some certainly do 😀

Thank you! Not my experience either. My MIL had two boys, both dote on her. One lives in another city and video calls her with the small grandkids at least once a week, visits when can and she goes down to help out when she can. My DH and I are very close to them and deliberately chose to live not far away, see them at least once a week. She is absolutely amazing as a MIL, so supportive and helpful, respectful as well, they let us stay with them for about 6 months after we married and were trying to buy a house and she wouldn't let me lift a finger around the house.

Meanwhile I had two brothers and we all had a very difficult relationship with our mum while she was alive, as she did with many people, including her own mother. Many of my female friends have difficult/strained relationships with their mums in particular.

I would have loved a girl or a boy and am so excited to be having a little boy for our first! Really don't care what gender any future children are. I really believe it's about nurturing relationships, setting a good example and respecting boundaries to have a healthy relationship with adult children.

I don't think it's extreme at all to say I have no obligation to my in-laws. I also didn't say I don't want to see them. I am happy to see them at family gatherings, whenever they come and visit us, whenever there is an event we attend as a family. It's all lovely. .

However I don't want to go and visit them weekly on my own with husband as that would be weird and uncomfortable for me. They are people I know through my husband only, I don't have an independent relationship with them. Of he doesn't want to visit them I certainly don't want to visit in his place to take the baby over and it absolutely would be out of obligation alone if I had to. Just as they have never come to visit me without husband being present before baby was here because it would be weird, because they are not my family.

I find it quite extreme if people think that family members acquired through marriage, where you are only related by law are in any way equal to the family that raised you and you grew up with and are actually related to. I would find it very odd if my husband just went to visit my mum without me. I think she would also find it odd because he's not her son🤷

You wouldn't be able to raise a boy because you would be continually resenting the fact that they were male. Imagine growing up knowing your mother felt like that.

I mentioned earlier on the thread about negativity towards boys on this forum. One example is threads telling us mums of sons how we should be bringing our boys up because apparently we wouldn’t know how to do that 🙄 Always the thread titles are about boys, never threads demanding that mum's of girls must teach them certain things, no it's us boy mums that need telling. I've just seen another one that's why I'm mentioning it, I just find it so bloody condescending.

I think you’re exactly who the OP is referring to!

Surely you should thank your lucky stars you have two healthy children? Regardless of whether they’re girls.

We didn't know the sex before the birth and my mum definitely thought it was going to be a girl. It was a (very large) boy. Within a couple of hours she was besotted by him and loved him quite as much as everyone else in the family. She had only had a girl (me) and I remember her saying to me 'I had no idea little boys could be so lovely!' One thing nobody warns you about though is the way in which - once they get to school - small girls will invariably be given more leeway than tall boys of exactly the same age. A friend with three boys pointed this out to me and she was right. Even adults who know that the kids are exactly the same age will treat the boys as though they are a couple of years older!

I didn't want to have a daughter. I only voiced that to a therapist I was seeing at the time. I said I envisaged a daughter not being very nice to me. Turns out this was due to being bullied by girls and to my sister being a nightmare as a teenager. I had 2 boys in the end. But if I had had a daughter I'm sure I would have loved her just as much.

You would "be able to raise a boy"? And you're "very lucky" that you "haven't had to"? These statements are very odd. Most people are thrilled, over the moon, delighted to have a healthy baby, boy or girl. What do you object to about boys?

Double boy Mummy here. I love it! And I'm sure I'd have loved it if I'd had 2 girls, or one of each too.
I think there is this assumption that girls look after parents in their old age, whereas boys don't care.
It's mad really- my husband is very close to his Mum and is actually one of the things I loved about him when we first met.
Congratulations on your lovely news!

My brother and SIL have four boys. When she was pregnant with DS4, someone at her work asked in all seriousness whether she was still going to go ahead with the pregnancy once she found out it was a boy. 🙄

If my kids marry someone with this opinion then I think pretty much all my fears about having adult sons would be eradicated immediately.
However unfortunately, most women see it as the opposite where Inlaws aren't family (which is bizarre to me granted) and an annoying obligation to deal with

Some women clearly put no effort in with their spouse’s family. Say they aren’t your family or you have no obligation to them is so extreme. When you get married they are your family, they are literally called your parents-in-law.
Then they see what a shitty relationship they have with one side and when they have sons they eventually realise they are destined for the same because they have taught their children in practice that the world orbits around the woman’s family and that’s it.

No one is saying women need to facilitate all the contact between in-laws in place of their son doing it, but to literally say you don’t want to see them is crazy.

I guess you reap what you sew.

Forgot to add my own mother is a great MiL and resolved to be after having a very interfering one herself. 😂

Ps I guess I think it’s important to model to our own children how to navigate two sides of a family and maintain good relationships with them - assuming both sides are kind and welcoming that is.

And I absolutely wouldn't stand for anyone telling me I'm not treating my MIL right because I have no obligation to her, her son does, and I want my own life!

I certainly wouldn’t say you’re not treating your MiL right. We have a different approach so it’s very much horses for courses and each to their own I think. Despite both having our own hobbies which give us lots of independence, my DH and I are pretty traditional (since getting engaged) in that we try to split time between our two families equally. Eg we alternate Christmas etc between them. I do this because I think when you get married you also gain family (but I’ve got nice in-laws who I see as family - I’m sure I’d feel differently if they were judgemental or didn’t make me feel welcome) and I would hope my own children do this with us one day and we’re not the family who aren’t visited as much. We do some solo trips to see our own family with DC but we’re mostly as a couple/family. This is important to my DH who comes from a culture where marriage is seen as gaining another family, not just a spouse. He is the one who encourages me to arrange a trip home actually if we haven’t been for a while.

because I have no obligation to her

I mean this isn’t true imv and also imo part of the problem

I'd never expect my future DIL to spend time with me without my son - I'd love it and do hope that she may want to - as I'd love a daughter figure in my life and my future (currently imaginary) DILs are my only chance of that - but never expect it.

I just hope my sons want to come round for dinner in their 20's or the occasional day out/trip away. Then when they have kids hopefully they want to see us regularly enough for us to have a great relationship enough with the grandkids.

I just hope they don't turn out like my brother, dad, uncles, cousins, friends and husband who rarely see their parents (slim chance I guess 😔)

We're the same, my baby spends loads of time with my family, because I spend loads of time with my family. I don't want to spend loads of times with my husbands family because they're not my family but I encourage him to take our baby to see them as often as I take her to see mine.

He doesn't. He doesn't want to spend lots of time with family so he doesn't go and there's no way I'm doing it instead because I don't want to spend all day with my MIL or FIL.

I would imagine they are sad they don't get as much time with baby as my family do but the only person that can change that is hubby and he doesn't want to 🤷

When she is older and I am comfortable just dropping her off and leaving her with them they probably see as much of her as my family do but until then she's going to be with my family most of the time.

And I absolutely wouldn't stand for anyone telling me I'm not treating my MIL right because I have no obligation to her, her son does, and I want my own life! Half the time with my family and half my time with the in-laws leaves me no time for me and that's not happening to appease the in laws when their son should be doing it.

I know it happens a lot and having a poor relationship with your MIL (esp if a woman) is a cliche in real life even and certainly on Mumsnet.

Honestly, my daughter sees my MIL (who lives abroad) far more than my mother who is a few hours away by car and they speak often over video. What you describe really isn’t the case with my MIL because my husband has an incredible relationship with her and I love her too. She welcomed me into her family from day 1 and has never given me any reason to not have an amazing relationship with her. She is kind, lets me parent without judgement, is encouraging of my parenting and has always been excited about her son’s relationship with me and treated me like family.

But I really don’t think poor relationships are always down to a ‘difficult’ MIL - sometimes or even often perhaps. I sometimes listen to some of my own friends’ ‘complaints’ against their MILs and honestly it seems many can’t win no matter what they do.