Negativity around boys from mums of girls

I found the opposite - the mums of boys claimed a special 'mum/son' relationship and were adamant they loved their babies more than mums of girls loved theirs!

Do you mean some of the mums or all of the boy-only Mums?

I found the opposite - the mums of boys claimed a special 'mum/son' relationship and were adamant they loved their babies more than mums of girls loved theirs! Lots of women were gutted to have two girls and I got a lot of weird comments when I had DD2. They are chalk and cheese. I couldn't have two more different kids whatever their sex!

Sometimes feelings about a certain issue can be changed by education, experience etc but you can’t assume that because you feel a certain way you lack any of those. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a particular sex - I’m not in the habit of telling people how they feel is “wrong”. I agree that gender stereotypes should be avoided but I don’t believe that the differences between male and female children are entirely a result of societal influence and stereotypes. They are different biologically and the experience of bringing up boys is on the whole different from that of bringing up girls. It always puzzles me why people get so angry about what others think. It doesn’t really affect you if someone would rather have a girl than a boy does it? Unless they say something offensive about your boy…

It’s the same when you have girls as well I have four and the comments I’ve had about not having a boy! I was happy with any as long as healthy. Just ignore the comments and enjoy your baby.

Of course you can ‘control what you desire/think/feel’! Maybe do a lot more thinking about your own cognitive and confirmation biases, acquire more thoughtful friends, and try to raise your children with less gendered ideas?

I am guilty of all this and I’ll explain why. Girls are perceived as staying closer to their parents into adulthood (whether you agree with that or not, it is a common perception and generally true in my experience). Girls are perceived as being easier as young children with boys seen to be boisterous (the clue seems to be in the word!) and more aggressive. I wondered whether the latter was true and since having children, it does seem to be true - boys seem to be more aggressive (hitting, biting, etc. and also generally physically disruptive like pulling everything out of cupboards) and girls seem to rarely show those traits. Again, just what I have seen from my own friends and perhaps some confirmation bias there. Girls’ clothes and toys are more exciting for stereotypically female mothers - superficial yes but I have heard many a mother be sad throwing out an older sister’s pretty dresses and dolls to replace them with blue joggers and toy trucks. There are negative stereotypes associated with girls too- mainly along the lines of worse tantrums and more difficult teenagers. Don’t know if there is truth in either. I also think there is an unfair advantage for girl mums when the children are adults - they often get to be more involved with weddings and grandchildren whereas there is so often a lot of tension between the wife and the mother-in-law (a whole other topic!!) which can cause them to miss out on these things.

It might annoy you that a lot of women think this but I can tell you it’s is extremely common (from my friends, I can only think of one who actively wanted a boy over a girl) and, as stupid, insensitive etc etc you might think it is, you generally can’t control what you desire/think/feel. I do think people should be more considerate about keeping their feelings to themselves where they might cause offence or upset - the most obvious example being where some people aren’t able to have children at all.

I’d forgotten this and was shocked to see it only finished in 2016! Maybe a bit of gender disappointment isn’t the worst thing then. (Yes I said and meant gender!)

Guess not many Chinese people on here then as a while back it was quite common to terminate girl pregnancies due to the one child rule and people wanted boys. Boys are also often more popular in Asian countries in general

I see a lot of posts on MN which talk about the disappointment of being pregnant with a boy, or the worry that they might have a boy. Sadly, it isn't a new thing. When I was pregnant 36 years ago both my mother and MIL made sure I knew that anything less than a girl would be a failure on my part. They simply couldn't see how hurtful their constant comments were, especially as I had already suffered several MCs and fray, all I wanted was a pregnancy that would end in an actual baby. Their disappointment when I had a boy was palpable. MIL chose to have no relationship with our D's and though my mum did appear to accept it, she started up with the comments again when I was pregnant with ds2.
I couldn't be happier with my boys, both now men of course. And we are so lucky that each of them has a partner who doesn't regard us as the second best option, simply because we are not their parents.
If you have a preference way or another regarding whether you have sons or daughters , then yes, you are entitled to those feelings. But don't share those feelings with another parent or pregnant woman - you have no idea what they might have been through to have their children or how hurtful your comments could be.

I can imagine this - I think it's especially people have the image of the "perfect" nuclear family with one of each. I would just assume everyone is happy with the children they've been blessed with! Very insensitive comments assuming you've been desperate for one of the other gender.

I remember seeing a US woman in an Instagram video say she was at the supermarket with her 4 daughters and this older woman tapped her on the arm and kept saying 'Are they all yours? Your poor husband, is he okay?' Awful to assume anyone lucky enough to have healthy children is unhappy just based on gender

Yes actually maybe there's something to this. I posted about DH's family being very close and us being very close to them, our family is West African (I'm not) and family values are huge. We don't live with his parents but his extended family all contact each other with short phone calls regularly and I've been wholeheartedly taken in as one of the family as if I was blood so that's how I treat them in return, spend time with his parents especially his mum on my own. So definitely the model we'd like to adopt and I'm not worried about our son being distant as an adult probably as a result (similarly, DH remembers all his family's birthdays and occasions etc)

Yes it is quite sad and it does go both ways. See plenty of people disappointed about having only girls and not having an even split of both or just boys.

I have 4 girls and 1 boy and they are all lovely and amazing. If I'd had 5 girls or 5 boys, I wouldn't be upset. That's a blessing in itself! Of course I wanted both genders and grateful I got that, but if I had had only 1 gender, that'd still be amazing. All my children are very different people anyway, and both boys and girls are wonderful to raise

I am not close to these people or actually related to them

they are your family ,
your partner’s parents and the GP of your child(ren) 🥴.

Do you see way more of your in laws? And wholly because you want to not because your husband wants to

My MIL lives overseas so unfortunately we don’t see much of her. No FIL.
But I certainly have a much closer relationship with her since having children , yes, and I don’t think that implies she is treating me like a maid.
For example, I never emailed or texted her personally before kids were born, but now I send updates/ photos fairly regularly. My partner is one of those rare men who is actually very close and devoted to his mother - to the extent that it has annoyed me at times when I’ve felt he is prioritising her needs over mine etc (- but mostly it’s a quality in him that I find particularly attractive, as I know his dedication to his mother reflects his character ,and he has the same dedication and loyalty to me and the kids) - But I still make an effort to have an independent relationship with my MIL too because I do see her as family. To me this is how families should be, but I guess we all have different values .
I guess if my husband made no effort at all himself though I might feel like I couldn’t be bothered either, so I see ohmygods point there.

I'm not so sure on that. I had 2 girls followed by a boy a decade later. Had many people congratulate me on "finally" getting a boy

So not find out then having no time to get used to the idea of a baby that's not the preferred sex. That doesn't make sense.

You see way more of your own dad. Perfectly natural. I see way more of my own parents since having my baby.

Do you see way more of your in laws? And wholly because you want to not because your husband wants to? I guarantee my husband has no burning desire to suddenly spend loads of time with my mum because we had a baby and prefers to do his hobbies or have some alone time while I take baby to visit her so why would I have a sudden burning desire to spend loads of time with his parents who I previously saw around 4 times a year?

Visits out of obligation are really uncomfortable and awkward. I am not close to these people or actually related to them so no, I don't want to go and feel awkward for a few hours every week when I really don't have much spare time anyway and would much rather spend it doing something else.

I stand by you are glad you have daughters because most sons can't be bothered to visit their parents, not because daughters don't instantly feel obliged to spend time with women they are not related to or in many cases even that familiar with. If sons were as family orientated as daughters, it wouldn't matter if you had sons or daughters in terms of access to grandkids.

My husband doesn’t care if he or the children see his parents.

If I’m already doing all the work for my own family. I’m certainly not doing all the work for his family if he cannot be bothered at all.

I see your point. That totally sucks on his part. Why are so many men like this?

I wanted girls because all the things that I was the most excited about sharing with my future children were things that girls were more likely to be into than boys. Even if a hypothetical son liked dolls, miniatures, fantasy series, and period-piece movies, I figured he’d get to an age where he’d be aware that other boys thought it was “girl stuff” and perhaps wouldn’t want to do it anymore. I was also planning to be a SAHM, and the thought of spending hours with a little boy making toy robots loudly fight each other (or whatever) sounded boring as hell. I didn’t have to give birth to a mini-me, but I wanted a child I could relate to. I didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t understand my own child. I wanted to have fun with my future children, and a lot of the stuff little boys tend to like is not fun for me.

I guess a hypothetical little boy and I could have still had fun with some stuff my daughters like, like Paw Patrol and Wild Kratts and Harry Potter and Plants vs. Zombies. But personally, I’m glad I had girls.

I’m not okay with people acting like getting a particular gender is a tragedy, though. I’m sure I would have loved little boys too.

So you and your husband equally make sure the children see everyone. That’s great.

My husband doesn’t care if he or the children see his parents. He also wouldn’t arrange to take the children to see my parents. That’s the point here. It works differently to you.

If I’m already doing all the work for my own family. I’m certainly not doing all the work for his family if he cannot be bothered at all.

I had no relationship with my in-laws away from my husband prior to the children either. We wouldn’t meet up for a coffee and chat, we wouldn’t go to town shopping or text or call each other prior to the children.

If I had the type of relationship with them prior to children then maybe it would be different.

It’s really no different. My dad wants to see the kids. The kids want to see him. I want help with the kids, so it’s a win all around.
My partner also meets up with my dad with kids without me for the very same reasons 🤷🏼‍♀️.
I agree it’s a problem when men expect their wives to do all the social/ caring work and take no responsibility for maintaining relationships , especially with their own parents, but there’s a long way from that and the kind of attitude that you and Smurf seem to take towards your in laws. Just my opinion though.

That’s the point isn’t it. You as the parent of the baby/child want to see your parent more since you’ve had a child and as such you do.

My in-laws don’t want to see me more. They want the children. But expect it to be my time to facilitate that. Not my husbands.

I would never expect my husband to take the baby to see my parents for a few hours on his day off without me because I don't want to go. And no one would ever expect him to. Expecting women to facilitate the contact between babies and in laws is sexist bs.

I’m not sexist in the slightest, but I think your attitude that you have “no obligation” whatsoever to your in laws is part of the problem, yes.

well you do you but as I said I think your attitude sucks, and it makes me glad I have daughters not sons.

I see way more of my own dad now I have kids and our relationship has been closer, as we are both more interested in hanging out now the grandkids are here. Seems totally natural ro me.

Why would I suddenly become more friendly with in-laws who where not fussed before 🤷🏻‍♀️

They reap what they sowed. I’m not going to go out of my way to spend time with them when I don’t need to when they didn’t give a crap before I birthed the children.

If they want to see the children they are free to take them out or arrange something via dh even if that is a whole family meal or something.

But just as he wouldn’t ring my mum to meet for a coffee I don’t his.

I think you’ll find this conversation started because I said that the main problem was men making no effort and outsourcing this work to their wives.
But, yeh , I do think this position that you have “no obligation” whatsoever to your in-laws , and that any visit with the baby should be separately organised and carried out by the man , or it’s never going to happen, is both extreme and part of the problem.

Also , Of course your relationship to your MIL will change after you have a grandchild and you likely might see her much more. Same has happened with my own parents. It’s natural. I think your attitude sucks tbh.