Husband has just had a go

You are not being unreasonable in the least. Some people probably click on 'unreasonable' for the hell of it.

I don't understand some of the replies on here.
You have a diagnosed illness which you are managing with medication. You are running your home and looking after you children and have been trying to find work. Everything you say shows you have been doing a good job at doing your best despite your illness.
And yet your DH spends money on alcohol you can't really afford. And verbally tries to undermine you in a really destructive way at the very time when you need his support.
He knows about your mental health problems and yet choses to attack you with really unhelpful nasty jibes to try and destroy your self confidence.

I also don't understand the comment about waning you to go to church: your religious views are entirely your own business. He has absolutely no right to try and make you go to church. He can't tell you how to think.

I think going forward I would certainly be resolved to find a job that would give you self confidence. Try and be as independent from him as possible because I don't think he is a positive influence on your mental wellbeing. I don't think he respects you.

Does he not have a point? Who submits a job interview at 1am. He said you were incoherent. Listen back later today. Were you? Bipolar is kept under control with proper restful sleep, medicated or otherwise. Antisocial hours and being up late is not a good idea.

He was mean, in the moment, but I think you need to separate out the 1am criticism from the bigger issue here.

Sounds like he’s stressed from carrying all the financial pressure, while you don’t appear to be pulling your weight. Take the unsociable hours job, and use it as a stepping stone to something better. If you’re hugely in debt then you can’t afford to be picky.

You are not unreasonable; however, I do have a different perspective.

Did you both discuss/agree you stopping work or changing jobs to a charity (low pay)?

I'm the breadwinner at home with a young baby and would never dream of being a SAHM if the money isn't enough, if we'll be in financial stress then both people have to work. Even then, if someone had to stay home to look after the baby then it would be the lowest paid parent.

If I'm the breadwinner and my partner is only working 16 hours a week, I would expect a clean house.

I grew up in a single income family and I know the huge stress it caused to my dad. We always had food to eat but he was always in debt. It's not fair on any partnership. Money was always causing fights between them.

If you've been looking for a job for 6 months I would take it , especially if the pay is good. You can see it as a stepping stone, pay your debts and keep looking for another one with better hours.

Now, your DH was also unreasonable. He shouldn't be yelling at you or saying derogatory comments. Staying up late and doing interviews at that time could be a sign of a manic episode though. So, he could have had double worry, money and your health. Again, you don't treat someone on an episode like that.

You both should have a respectful discussion of your needs and expectations. If it doesn't work, then counselling.

I think people are being harsh here OP.

And I wouldn't be buying more beers

Don’t go to church if you are feeling vulnerable. It won’t affect your MH in a positive way.

What on earth is this supposed to mean. It is precisely when you should go to church. Perhaps it depends on which church but it affects many peoples MH in a very positive way. If we all took church seriously there might be less MH issues.

I think it was a cruel remark about the state of the house as if it would be better with him part time dealing with it. I'd try find a full time role similar to prechildren if you were primary breadwinner and he can be part time house husband

This is exactly what he is all about!

You’re struggling for money, in debt and you’ve been applying for jobs for 6 months and just been offered this one. Yes you need to take it. Also if you’re only working 16 hours currently I would expect you to be doing the lions share of the housework and the house to be tidy.

Ask yourself a few questions before you consider taking the job with long and unsociable hours.

Would he be willing to work those hours?

Is he pulling his weight financially/job wise or is he just dragging his feet while waiting for you to become the major earner again?

Will he still expect you to do everything you do now on top?

Will he just find something else to "have a go" over?

Will he piss that extra money up the wall with more beers while you're at work?

Does he shout at you no matter what you do and is it a long standing pattern of behaviour that won't stop even if you do give him more money for the family pot?

These questions and similar are ones only you are in a position to guess the answer to with any degree of accuracy.

I don't think some previous posters are thinking of the answers to questions like this. Quite how they manage to see some poor poor man narrative instead of a nasty bastard, making comments about his wife's body and diet while semi pissed up, I don't know.

Take advice from this place with care because there are some very funny attitudes when money comes up on here. There are also some bad faith actors who are sometimes hard to spot.

I feel for you both. I have been the one helping my partner get work while being the breadwinner and also being the main person doing the chores and getting frustrated at the haphazard way house jobs, applications (yes job applications at 2/3am that I was asked to help with) were being done, and it being blamed on a neurodivergence that my partner was being medicated for.
Thankfully we weren’t in debt but it’s hard feeling like everything is on your shoulders. We have since split and there’s no chaos in my house now but I know my ex struggles. Ultimately though it was dragging me down, it wasn’t the reason for the split but I was not appreciated for everything I did, all I heard was excuses why my ex wasn’t working and why the cooking/cleaning was still my domain on top of my full time job.

Not saying that this is the case here @Sprinkly but offering a different view.

Don’t go to church if you are feeling vulnerable. It won’t affect your MH in a positive way. What you need to do is assess your marriage if he is that horrible - and you know you shouldn’t be drinking beer whilst on meds for bipolar. He attacked you when you were vulnerable, and violated your privacy. I really hope you get a great job that improves your self-esteem and you can move on.

is there any backstory op? - has he form for this.

did anything about the relationship contribute to your diagnosis?

A very sensible post.

OP the situation sounds very difficult and it's clearly been a very stressful time.

It is worth taking the heat out of what has been said and to reflect on the message.

Being stressed about money and working while having a partner turn down work, household chores being neglected and job applications not being taken seriously (and doing this at 1am isn't taking it seriously) is enough to make many people think "enough" especially when you say your medication is working.

OP you’ve been applying for jobs for six months and you’re desperate for money. You’ve got to take what you can get.

I feel his frustration but he needed to express it differently. Moaning about your appearance and the housekeeping was just a way of twisting the one. Nasty actually.

It sounds like the kids are in school so yes I think you need to take whatever job you can.

My sister and mom have bipolar and have blown through money when manic. Is the debt from both of you? I'm only asking because I've had to bail them out before.

What age are your kids? Do they go to school or nursery during the day?

I agree with the last three posters. If we were massively in debt I would have strong words for a partner who wouldn't take a job because of unsocial hours and was putting in poor applications.

Ranting at someone isn't great but I can't blame him.

If, after applying for jobs for six months, you have been offered one then you should take it. You wouldn’t have applied for it if you didn’t think it could work and, like @thebestinterest says, it doesn’t stop you from continuing to look for other opportunities.

Answering verbal questions for a job at 1am is unlikely to find you at your best - he has a point - but being angry with you is not helpful and is bullying behaviour.

I think all you can do in this situation is treat this as feedback and reflect on the content of what he is saying rather than the way it has been delivered.

If you can go to church tomorrow then go. This may be his way of saying “I’m desperate and need spiritual support” and wanting you to be part of that. Tune into the emotion of what he is saying rather than the words.

I’m sorry you are in this situation, It sounds like you have both been through a very difficult time.

He was unkind. However, huge financial pressure can make people really crumble. It’s not good, but it’s not uncommon for people to drink when stressed, and of course people find it harder to hold their tongue after a few drinks. Could he just be very stressed about the debt combined with your bipolar, and be worrying that the stress is negatively affecting your health too? Please take the job. It might not be perfect hours, but when in debt, just take what you can. Look for something better as you pay off the debt.

Yes, YABU. You’re struggling financially — take the job! You can continue to interview and seek out better opportunities, but you are acting like a princess as if you have so many choices right now. You don’t. Parents do tough things ALL the time, this is one of them.

To be clear OP, we were struggling financially and I HAD to take a low paid, long hour position myself to lessen the burden. I don’t plan on staying in this role very long but right now it’s a means to an end.

I suspect his rant was......

"When we agreed to have kids I didnt realise that this meant I would have to be an actual grown up!!! That I would have to support the family and help you and the kids! I am angry that you are not doing literally everything and allowing me to do what I want, when I want and how I want!!! I am angry that you have a proper illness that I am not allowed to be pissed off about without looking like a dick!! I married a woman who provided everything and now she isnt doing that, so I am PISSED OFF!!!!"

Counselling first, but get your "Fuck Off Fund" started, just in case.

Well recording answers for employers questions at 1am probably isn’t going to see you do your best, that much is probably true.

But having a big go at you is really too much.

What are you being unreasonable about?