Husband has just had a go

Don't take that job. You will end up working unsocial hours for not a lot of money and doing all the chores - because I am willing to bet he won't.
I don't know what else to say except, perhaps dump him?

WTF do you mean, "children aren't necessarily the best option". They have ALREADY got two. What the heck are you suggesting? Getting rid of the children somehow?

This is MN. You should know by now that some contributors are above reproach, behave impeccably at all times, and are unfailingly magnificent in times of crisis. 😇

Re the 5% vote for unreasonable I’d take that with a pinch of salt unless there are posts backing it up. There’s often 1 or 3% voting unreasonable on voting posts and I think there are some just some awful sick people laughing when they press that button.

What is abusive?
He was a bit curt and insensitive at worst but I definitely don't think voicing your concerns is abuse.
Or are some or you so flawless that you never blurt things out in the heat of the moment, during a frustrating and trying time?

Whatever. I have a DH who has bipolar and living with it is no picnic for either partner. Once again, a bad diet and not looking after your general health can have an effect on bipolar and the meds used to control it. So I read his comments as directed at that, nothing to do with her weight or appearance. Sometimes a partner can pick up on the start of a decline before the person realises it themselves - that’s sometimes the nature of the condition. I’ve done similar myself so I recognise the concern. That’s all. And at no point have I found ‘fault’ with the OP she has a MH condition, the effects of which I am only too familiar with.

Read the OP. She has bipolar and diet and lack of sleep can affect it quite badly. Non-one is defending the way her DH approached this, it’s not acceptable to get drunk and shout, but the comments were not about her weight or appearance.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

But.

I was the child of this situation with my parents when I was an older teenager still living at home, so old enough to understand it.

My dad also started drinking (never had before, he was never drunk but it was a coping mechanism to have a couple of whiskeys every night after work, they couldn't afford for him to be drinking either) and was very angry a lot of the time. He would snap at my mum in the ways you mentioned, even down to the house cleaning (the house was fine).

It wasn't actually about any of that. It was about incredible amounts of stress related to debt. They owed over half a million, some of it owed to the government so a daily interest rate attached. Because they were in so much debt it felt overwhelming to them, it seemed pointless to switch to 65p beans from £1 beans because it was a drop in the ocean - however looking at it now if they had made a lot of changes and actively got into the mindset of saving every penny it would have helped a lot because it would definitely have added up overall. I still think they would have lost their house but perhaps they could have downsized instead of being pushed and saved their relationship.

My dad was self-employed and so for years my mum had been effectively mostly a housewife but with a part time job for some of it. He felt the burden of all of it and she was the verbal punching bag for it. He couldn't understand why she didn't get a much better full time job because she had the qualifications for it, she didn't really want to change her life, stuck her head in the sand about how bad it was because he'd always been responsible for fixing situations, and didn't put much effort in beyond sticking some things on eBay to sell and cleaning the house more.

They could not get out of that situation on their own, and I could see both sides of it. Both had benefited from the golden days of spending the money, but on my dad's side it became resentful very quickly as he was working so many hours and saw her contribution as far lower since she wasn't working full time and doing the basics around the house (my sister and I were too old to need much in the way of help ourselves). My mum's confidence was zapped as she took on more and more of what he said and it made her want to change even less. The arguments got worse.

As I see it now it was a 50/50 situation. My dad needed my mum to step up, but he went about that happening in the wrong way. After that it got very messy. My dad shouldn't have been horrible to my mum, but also my mum should have taken a more proactive role in wanting to save the situation instead of leaning on excuses and half-heartedly doing things for show to try and avoid pissing him off.

Ugh, stop defending the abusive behaviour of a man, it’s just gross.

I read the the post several times, carefully.
You are interpreting his words in a totally different way than I understand them.
And I certainly see no trace of concern in his words. It was a personal attack.
Again I don't see why you are determined to defend him and apparently find fault in the OP.

I'm not going to comment on the MH aspect as you know yourself better and he sounds like he's stressed and rude, sometimes that happens in relationships.

I think your idea to manage the debt better is the way forward. Get in touch with StepChange or Christians Against Poverty and work out if there's a way to manage these better, this will relieve some of the pressure on the household. It does not make sense to work longer hours if you are bipolar and need that stability and you do nearly all the household and childcare things, you need to keep things stable and taking on another job may not be the right way forward so reducing outgoings is a good option here.

You are obviously putting a different interpretationon on his words than the obcious one.
I have my experience of mental health illness. You have yours.
I disagree with your interpretation and the way you are making excuses for his bad behaviour but I respect your right to your opinion.
.

Bloody hell, talk about amateur dramatics !! Where does OP say he pisses all their money away ? Where does she say he has a drink problem ? He had three beers. Definitely shouldn’t have had a drink and then had a go at OP, let’s be clear about that. But there’s no suggestion of an ongoing problem in any of OP’s posts. And what of OP - she doesn’t say if she has the occasional drink, or spends a similar amount of money treating herself - if so, why is her DH any different ? Alcohol clearly hasn’t helped a stressful situation in this instance but your post isn’t based on anything the OP has actually said.

This particular job I've been offered is in fact full time (was advertised as part time). I'm going to decline the offer and continue to pursue part time roles or full time with better suited hours and a hybrid approach.

Why not try to negotiate for part time hours - seeing that this was how the job was advertised - instead of simply turning it down?

If you don't ask you don't get.....

He's stressed about money but he pisses all your money away. Has he always had a drinking problem? Because if money is tight he has to stop the drinks. That is the first thing that has to go. His priorities are fucked up. He doesn't sound like a responsible or mature husband. He CANNOT AFFORD to drink, at all, in your situation. You don't seem all that concerned about his drinking, so your priorities are pretty messed up, too. I'd be more worried about him drinking your money away than I would be the answers to a job application. Your priorities are wrong, OP. Very very wrong.

Then we have to remain at a disagreement. And l’m not offering up any ‘excuses’. Bipolar is difficult to live with for both partners and the sufferer my not always be aware of concerning signs, whereas partners learn to spot them a mile off and that can be very frustrating. There’s a difference between an excuse and a reason and l’m just clarifying possible reasons why the stress has built up to that point. But it’s definitely not acceptable to get pissed and rant.

OP, this is meant gently, but could any part of the debt be considered to be as a result of the bipolar or meds used to treat it ? I’m only asking because my DH has bipolar, and won’t have credit cards or any kind of credit account because he knows that during some of the more severe mood fluctuations he can be irresponsible and spend impulsively. If you think this could be a factor l would speak to a debt specialist because in some circumstances - not all - it may be possible to get a proportion written off.

@Comtesse As OP is bipolar, I’ll offer a bipolar perspective on this - if I were in a manic phase I wouldn’t notice the time; I would do things at odd hours when I felt the drive to do them.

I do agree that I might not see that what I was doing wasn’t the best quality! Although when I’m manic I do often do my most creative, best work. Even if it’s 1am.

The rules about Flexible Work Requests have changed so don't rule out jobs that don't quite have the hours you are looking for.

And what's your husband doing?

And does he pull his weight at home?

You speak with knowledge about bipolar diagnoses, which is helpful. However, with respect, your posts are encouraging women to put up with shit treatment from their partners; you keep saying that you aren't condoning the way he spoke, but then you continue to come up with excuses for it!

Shouting and criticising while half-pissed is NOT acceptable, I don't care whether it's coming from a good place or not (doesn't really sound like it is)

That's often mistaken clicks

He needs to back off and he needs to stop drinking

Did you carry on with that job application?
Can he earn more money/get a better job?
Where did the debt come from?

No, you didn’t call him an evil narcissist, but you didn’t read the OP properly. He said nothing about her weight or appearance. The junk food and not looking after herself were references to her mental health. Bipolar, and the meds prescribed for it, don’t respond well to junk food or lack of sleep. He definitely shouldn’t have responded the way he did, but it more than likely came from a place of concern.