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Original poster

Is this an emotional affair?!

35 replies

Tytgt · 21/09/2024 21:27

I was talking to a friend about my stressful work and how I have a supportive male colleague who always helps me. For context- banking/London. We are peers and work on deals together, although we are in different departments. Over the years, we have developed a close and respectful relationship. If I ever need anything, he is there to help. He unloads to me, and I to him. He calls a lot for support and asks for my opinion on work, difficult work situations, and personal stuff. He’s not like this with others, but OK, he’s an introvert. My friend claims I am being ridiculous, allowing me to get into this situation. She said that since we are both married, it isn’t acceptable for him to call me/come to my desk that much. That this is an EA! I think she’s been unfair, and she doesn’t get it. We are work friends, and although he has always been a tad generous with his compliments about my work, nothing odd ever happened. I don’t see him like that, I see him as someone who’s a great source of support at work. Who’s unreasonable here?

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BlackStrayCat · 22/09/2024 09:24

Not an EA at all. Simply a good friendship with a collegue. Could be male or female.

(I have had an EA and it is NOT like this)

Original poster
Tytgt · 22/09/2024 09:18

Alalalala · 22/09/2024 08:39

He’s definitely fishing.

You're too sophisticated for him? Imagine him saying that to a male colleague! The compliments are flirtatious.

Yeah, that comment was a bit odd, but I just laughed it off. He also made various comments that I hang out in different circles to him and that I am in another class, which I truly don’t think I am. But again, you see, none of this is “inappropriate.” Apart from that, he always listens and helps and has been a very sturdy support over the years. Maybe he’s just socially awkward.

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Original poster
Tytgt · 22/09/2024 09:14

Suzuki70 · 22/09/2024 08:41

I think he is pushing, but has come up against your strong boundary. Not sure if he has realised you're immovable yet. I suspect once he does he will pull back on the friendship!

It’s been like this for four years. He has never done anything wrong or acted inappropriately, but some comments, etc., over the years were surprising.

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Beth216 · 22/09/2024 08:46

MrTiddlesTheCat · 21/09/2024 22:24

You may not be having an emotional affair, but it certainly sounds like he is.

Agreed.

Suzuki70 · 22/09/2024 08:41

I think he is pushing, but has come up against your strong boundary. Not sure if he has realised you're immovable yet. I suspect once he does he will pull back on the friendship!

Alalalala · 22/09/2024 08:39

He’s definitely fishing.

You're too sophisticated for him? Imagine him saying that to a male colleague! The compliments are flirtatious.

redtrain123 · 22/09/2024 08:34

It looks like you’re maintaining safe boundaries, although he could have possibly dipped his toeinto the water, maybe even subconsciously.

LBA40 · 22/09/2024 06:41

It sounds like he may well have feelings towards you but you have strong and healthy boundaries.

Original poster
Tytgt · 22/09/2024 05:40

tarquinskeys · 22/09/2024 00:48

I wouldn't say you are having an emotional affair but the thing that struck out was the good old classic from him about feeling 'undervalued' at home. I think he might have some intentions as in my experience when men start talking about relationship problems, especially to someone at work they have particularly singled out to be close to, it's a sign. The over flattery again, it's not a normal thing to say. He wants you to feel special and this is in no way innocent from him. You wouldn't have written this post if you didn't have that concern either.

Thank you. I shut down the undervalued chat quickly. I simply told him that if he feels like he's doing everything at home, he should speak to his wife about it and sort it out. He never brought it up again.
Yeah, the flattery part is unusual. He certainly isn't speaking to others like this. He goes out of his way to comment on my skills to others at work too, a few people told me. Nobody is immune to flattery, and now, looking back perhaps he's doing that intentionally to make me feel special.

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tarquinskeys · 22/09/2024 00:48

I wouldn't say you are having an emotional affair but the thing that struck out was the good old classic from him about feeling 'undervalued' at home. I think he might have some intentions as in my experience when men start talking about relationship problems, especially to someone at work they have particularly singled out to be close to, it's a sign. The over flattery again, it's not a normal thing to say. He wants you to feel special and this is in no way innocent from him. You wouldn't have written this post if you didn't have that concern either.

Original poster
Tytgt · 22/09/2024 00:43

Didimum · 21/09/2024 22:16

You say he has been generous in his compliments of you and offloads personal things to – that’s a fine line and I wonder what his wife would think of that? Are the compliments on your appearance? I have a male work colleague I get on very well with, known him for a decade. The only time he complimented my appearance was on my wedding day. I would find anything else quite inappropriate.

Your friend should butt out though. You’re an adult.

Edited

Well, this makes me wonder too - no, never on my looks, but some things he said caught me off guard. He is well respected at work and held in high regard. However, he told me that I am by far the best person to work with, no one compares to me, I am the only one he trusts to deal with his important client, that everyone thinks highly of me, that I am far too sophisticated for him. Ok, we are peers and hold high positions but other peers at work don’t speak this way to me.

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Pizzicata · 22/09/2024 00:37

If you enjoy the relationship as it is, the frequency and subjects of your conversations etc, then what’s the problem? However, to me it sounds as though he’s decided your his unpaid therapist/emotional dumping ground, and in your shoes I wouldn’t be treating his personal confidences as a compliment. If I’m busy, I don’t have time to be dumped on.

Original poster
Tytgt · 22/09/2024 00:33

S0CKPUPPET · 21/09/2024 22:07

If I were you I’d be very careful about the deeply personal chats. Assuming that you don’t want to stray into an emotional affair.

I think you might be on a slippery slope…..

Show quote history

But how? The place we work is insane, and there are so many mad things happening that it feels essential to speak to someone who understands, listens and cares. When the pressure is on, it feels safe to talk to him - he always has time for me and does everything he can to assist. We don’t talk on the weekends or late at night, and he never badmouths his wife. I don’t speak to him about my family. I mentioned a few things but have nothing negative to say about my DH. Yes, our interactions are intense but that’s all done at work and framed around work. I am looking for a new job.

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Cardiganoutsidein · 21/09/2024 22:48

Tytgt · 21/09/2024 21:49

I am not jealous of his wife. In truth, I am happy for him when he tells me the two of them had a nice, kid-free night out.
Is he good-looking? Yes, he is. Would I date him? I'm unsure. We are not in the same stage of life, and our lifestyles are different.
I never complain to him about my DH, but he has, on occasion, commented that he is undervalued at home. I just told him to speak to his wife about it.
While nothing odd ever happened between us, I sometimes wondered why he devoted so much time and energy to me as he’s not like this with others. But he’s incredibly fantastic at work, and I value that a lot. He praises me to everyone at work and that feels good.

Show quote history

Yeah it doesn’t sound like you are in EA territory at all! I asked those questions because if you had a crush on him it might mean you were closer than you realised.

I have male work colleagues who I’d also say were good looking, but doesn’t mean I fancy them.
i get on with them and we share personal issues. But if I didn’t talk to men in my industry, I wouldn’t have many work friends!

its possible that he has a crush on you…or maybe he just likes you as a friend and thinks you’re a great colleague.

neither of you are hitting on each other, or wanting to move the relationship to a closer level, so i wouldn’t overthink it.

WigglyVonWaggly · 21/09/2024 22:47

A friendship is really not an emotional affair. In an EA, both parties have a sexual attraction, know they do but haven’t yet acted on it. If it’s only one sided, it’s more of a crush / infatuation.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/09/2024 22:47

I hear a lot about emotional affairs on MN. In real life I have never heard anybody say they/their partner or anyone else was having an emotional affair
I have worked for many years, in a number of different places and in all of them colleagues have behaved how you describe sometimes with same sex colleagues sometimes opposite sex. Its just friendship and support. Sometimes you do talk about personal things its perfectly natural. And despite having many male friends that I have spoken to outside of work about many things none of them have ever hit on me. So either it is perfectly possible to have these type of friendships or I am so totally repulsive nobody would touch me with a barge pole

MrsTigerface · 21/09/2024 22:44

Noseybookworm · 21/09/2024 22:06

This doesn't sound like an emotional affair, it sounds like a close colleague and good friend. You've done nothing that you would feel uncomfortable telling your spouse about and you're not sneaking around meeting him outside of work. I wouldn't worry 😊

Absolutely this x

redtrain123 · 21/09/2024 22:39

MrTiddlesTheCat · 21/09/2024 22:24

You may not be having an emotional affair, but it certainly sounds like he is.

That thought crossed my mind. ’

TubeScreamer · 21/09/2024 22:38

Just sounds like a normal close friendship to me.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 21/09/2024 22:24

You may not be having an emotional affair, but it certainly sounds like he is.

Didimum · 21/09/2024 22:16

You say he has been generous in his compliments of you and offloads personal things to – that’s a fine line and I wonder what his wife would think of that? Are the compliments on your appearance? I have a male work colleague I get on very well with, known him for a decade. The only time he complimented my appearance was on my wedding day. I would find anything else quite inappropriate.

Your friend should butt out though. You’re an adult.

S0CKPUPPET · 21/09/2024 22:07

Tytgt · 21/09/2024 21:57

About life, kids. He told me a lot of deeply personal stuff—which I was surprised about as he’s very private. We are under stress a lot, and often, our chats wander everywhere, as your guard is down when someone listens to you, offers advice, and cares about you.

Show quote history

If I were you I’d be very careful about the deeply personal chats. Assuming that you don’t want to stray into an emotional affair.

I think you might be on a slippery slope…..

Noseybookworm · 21/09/2024 22:06

This doesn't sound like an emotional affair, it sounds like a close colleague and good friend. You've done nothing that you would feel uncomfortable telling your spouse about and you're not sneaking around meeting him outside of work. I wouldn't worry 😊

Original poster
Tytgt · 21/09/2024 22:02

redtrain123 · 21/09/2024 21:55

How often do you talk? Just at work, or at home as well? Do you ever prioritise him over your dh/family life (or does he do this?). What happens if you ask others for advice or support? Does get jealous or annoyed?

There are periods when we talk a lot. Our work is hybrid, so he calls me when I am not in the office. When in the office, there are times when he comes to my desk a lot, and then sometimes, he won’t speak to me. I am busy with other work at times, so I don’t go over to speak to him. It’s hard to explain, but certainly, our families are our priorities.

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Original poster
Tytgt · 21/09/2024 21:57

timeforanewmoniker · 21/09/2024 21:48

What personal problems does he talk to you about? The rest sounds ok.

About life, kids. He told me a lot of deeply personal stuff—which I was surprised about as he’s very private. We are under stress a lot, and often, our chats wander everywhere, as your guard is down when someone listens to you, offers advice, and cares about you.

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