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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I got it easy?

39 replies

Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:25

DP and I have a toddler together but don't live together. I also have a primary aged child from a previous relationship. I work full time but he doesn't work due to health conditions .He has to do school pick up and drop offs 3x a week for my older child and pick up our toddler from nursery 3 days a week and look after the toddler 1 day a week.
I get woken up in the night every night by toddler and get up with her and put her to bed 7 days a week.
I have to organise absolutely everything at home shopping cooking bills as it's my home but he helps when he feels like it. I have given up the gym, seeing friends because as soon as I get back he'll go out as he 'needs a break' so I'm left again to do everything else myself.
He complains that I'm miserable when I'm just exhausted and says I have it easy as I get to go out to work and get a break from the kids. He then complains the house is a mess as expects me to clean after I have been working full time put baby to bed do dinner and then have another sleepless night.
AIBU? should I just be a better mother or have I got it easy?

OP posts:
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JustWalkingTheDogs · 22/09/2024 08:05

This competitive tiredness, or who's got it the worst will kill a relationship and isn't a healthy relationship

LBA40 · 22/09/2024 06:06

HollyKnight · 22/09/2024 01:53

The tricky part is that he provides childcare for your eldest. He kinda has you over a barrel with that. If you were to split you wouldn't get any CM from him, so this childcare he is doing is worth more than what you would get if you separated. But no, you don't have it easy. But I imagine his attitude isn't anything new to you.

This. My suggestion would be to start to make small changes to improve things for yourself and gradually build up your independence from him in terms of childcare, then let him go. It sounds like he’s completely lacking in any kind of empathy for how hard and full-on this situation is for you.

Does your older DC enjoy going to him so often? Is after school club an option?

Normallynumb · 22/09/2024 03:41

He has a flat. Tell him to go back and live in it.
He's not adding anything to your life, other than stress

kittensinthekitchen · 22/09/2024 02:47

timeforanewmoniker · 21/09/2024 21:19

This, I'm assuming it's something like fibromyalgia.

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🙄

coxesorangepippin · 22/09/2024 02:05

Ditch him

He's taking you for a total ride

Blushingm · 22/09/2024 01:56

Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:35

He doesn't want to give up his flat as would be homeless if things didn't work out

He'd also not get benefits if he said he was living with someone during the week

HollyKnight · 22/09/2024 01:53

The tricky part is that he provides childcare for your eldest. He kinda has you over a barrel with that. If you were to split you wouldn't get any CM from him, so this childcare he is doing is worth more than what you would get if you separated. But no, you don't have it easy. But I imagine his attitude isn't anything new to you.

Glimber · 22/09/2024 01:13

You have all the rubbish bits of being in a relationship, and none of the positives. No wonder you're exhausted.

converseandjeans · 22/09/2024 00:57

He has my oldest from 3.30pm and the toddler from 6pm 3 days a week until I'm back from work then I take over maybe 6/7pm

Sorry but he's completely taking advantage of you. It would probably be easier to send eldest to after school club. Do you have parents nearby who could help instead? Or the father?

I am struggling to see what exactly he is bringing to the party. You would probably be better off all round without him involved.

Cupooee · 21/09/2024 21:26

Thats some loser you have inflicted on yourself and those poor children.
Thank goodness he isn't living with you.

timeforanewmoniker · 21/09/2024 21:19

JumperStripes · 21/09/2024 20:41

What are his health conditions and what impact do they have on him, because that makes a massive difference to expectations (although he should still be cleaning and tidying up after himself).

This, I'm assuming it's something like fibromyalgia.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2024 21:01

But you can’t stay in a relationship that sounds so miserable just for childcare.

If you split up, and he wanted to see her, he’d have to have her at his.

Original poster
Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:58

I have zero flexibility at work nor in a position to reduce my hours

OP posts:
Original poster
Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:57

He's never had her at his and I don't think he would so id never ever have a break and don't know how I'd get by needing even more childcare not that I'm sure I could find something suitable at the times I need

OP posts:
Plmnki · 21/09/2024 20:57

He sounds like a knob. Glad you’re not stuck with him all the time. You’ll be ok long term, I realise it’s a slog now but he’s a jerk and you can do better.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2024 20:55

Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:39

He doesn't think my life is deserving of a lie in as I have it so easy anyway

He sounds horrific! Certainly not like a partner or someone who loves you.

Id make it really easy for him - you don’t sound like a partnership in any real sense, so I would make the split official and he can look after his child at least solo and overnight during his contact time.

Original poster
Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:55

He has my oldest from 3.30pm and the toddler from 6pm 3 days a week until I'm back from work then I take over maybe 6/7pm

OP posts:
Original poster
Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:52

I'm not too fussed about living together

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/09/2024 20:52

You aren't asking for a lie in, you are asking for an uninterrupted night.

Clumsy12345 · 21/09/2024 20:52

Sounds like he has a council flat and doesn’t want to give that up. Did you not discuss this before having a baby? It was always going to cause resentment!

Rainbow1901 · 21/09/2024 20:48

Do his health issues actually prevent him from working? Irrespective of that - he should be cleaning up after himself and the kids if he is around when the mess is created.
It sounds a little like he will happily look after his own toddler but isn't so keen with your older child. How much time is he actually spending on the school runs and after school? Come to that how much time do you and him get to spend together if he disappears off when you come home from work.
Children are hard work especially after a long day at work but they won't be so much work as they grow and become more independent. But he doesn't sound like much of keeper to be fair.

Krumblina · 21/09/2024 20:48

If he doesn't work due to health conditions does that mean he's disabled? Is he capable of all tasks?

Overthebow · 21/09/2024 20:48

Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:35

He doesn't want to give up his flat as would be homeless if things didn't work out

Why did you have a baby with him if he wasn’t willing to commit?

poppyzbrite4 · 21/09/2024 20:42

Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:39

He doesn't think my life is deserving of a lie in as I have it so easy anyway

OP he's obviously very selfish and self involved and is telling you whatever it takes to shut you up. He tells you you have it easy because it deflects from his awful behaviour.

I would expect him to have the house clean and dinner on the table before he leaves. I wouldn't expect him to do anything else in the house if he doesn't live there. I would expect him to buy clothes and other things for the baby.

amothersinstinct · 21/09/2024 20:41

Dotty1000 · 21/09/2024 20:35

He doesn't want to give up his flat as would be homeless if things didn't work out

But you had a child together 🤔

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