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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to cater for 6 extra people (family) with a days notice?

91 replies

Member346563 · 21/09/2024 19:23

My DH has 4 adult children. he is very close to his only daughter who has 4 childrenc(ages 3 to 13) she is a SAHM. However, she is quite manipulative of my husband, always has a sob story and is very good at getting money out of him ( despite her husband being a very high earner) my DH realises how he is being manipulated but as he is closer to her than his sons he indulges her and often lets things go when he wouldn’t with his boys.

We see them about once a fortnight on a weekend day, usually we go theirs as it’s easier than them getting 4 kids, 2 of whom are particularly poorly behaved, in the car, and anyway, there is not that much for them to do here (when they do come it’s not unusual for the kids to say ‘it’s boring here’ despite trying to provide them with things to do)

We babysit too, sometimes for a full daytime to give them a break, it’s hard work, the parents never leave any food for the kids just expect us to sort them out but, hey ho, we’ve got used to it. We’ve never once been offered food when we’re there to the point that I always say to DH ‘I’ll make us a meal before we go’

anyway, his daughter rang up today to say they’d like to pop over tomorrow afternoon for a visit, then she said, ‘or prehaps we could come for lunch?’

As it happens, I’m out tomorrow lunchtime for a few hours so my DH said No, just come in the afternoon for a couple of hours for cake and coffee.

This has happened a few times and my problem is that whilst I don’t mind catering for 6 extra we have a situation where we have 1 Coeliac, 1 dairy free and 1 vegetarian among the adults (the kids are easy) her husband is the vegetarian but doesn’t eat cheese or butter, so you can imagine catering for them takes some thought and often they’ll ring up in the morning and say ‘we’ve decided not to come over because (insert excuse here)

Anyway, AIBU to be miffed that we never get invited for a meal but she often hints that we should make them a meal, not only with less than 24 hours notice but also with all allergies/intolerances involved as well?

OP posts:
Abetterjobwouldbelovely · 21/09/2024 20:54

To be fair, you could make them meal ffs. She's a sahm to four children...it takes a community right? Honestly I really think your generation are getting it so wrong.

timeforanewmoniker · 21/09/2024 20:50

Pandasnacks · 21/09/2024 20:38

@MumChp they don't eat meat either. Your way is not as simple as you make out. Vegan gluten free bread isn't particularly cheap either.

It's just gluten free bread...

timeforanewmoniker · 21/09/2024 20:49

It's easier to cater for 1 dairy free and 1 vegetarian that basically doesn't eat dairy, than it is 1 dairy free 1 regular vegetarian.

You only need to make one meal to cater for all of them, you're being overly dramatic. But your DH should be doing that, not you, you're out and it's his family.

Chatgbt · 21/09/2024 20:46

Food is love as they say..

MumChp · 21/09/2024 20:44

Pandasnacks · 21/09/2024 20:38

@MumChp they don't eat meat either. Your way is not as simple as you make out. Vegan gluten free bread isn't particularly cheap either.

It is quite simple to be honest.

Rice, tinned tomato/beans/chickpeas and add some vegetables. (vegan, no gluten, no milk).

Serve a vegetable soup (vegan, no milk, no gluten) without bread if you won't pay for it (I think you are petty, sorry).

Loopylu60 · 21/09/2024 20:44

fajitas are a quick meal for your partner to cook, just always keep a long life packet of GF wraps in house. A packet of quorn strips doesn’t take much room in the freezer for your veggie.
im not sure that the allergies are the issue here. ( we live with GF, DF and other tolerances too )
but I would have something to say if they keep cancelling at short notice

Pineapplewaves · 21/09/2024 20:41

While you are out for a few hours tomorrow lunchtime, your DH can go to the supermarket, buy some food and prepare a meal for everyone, job done!

harriethoyle · 21/09/2024 20:40

Member346563 · 21/09/2024 20:27

You couldn’t be more wrong. Sounds like I’ve touched a nerve!

Show quote history

The bitter ex wives walk among us @Member346563. if you’d put daughter instead of SD you would not have got the tired old snarking from the usual suspects 🙄

YANBU and SD is cheeky. I like pps suggestion of making DH cater every time they come over…

SunGoesIntoHiding · 21/09/2024 20:38

So you are saying there is food in their house when you got to babysit it’s just not prepared or they don’t explicitly say what to feed to DC? Hmm I think that’s normal for a family babysitter especially a grandparent surely? If I’m going out it’s trouble enough for me to be getting ready etc without preparing the kdis food when a perfectly capable grandparent is watching them. I think my DPs would feel a bit insulted if I micromanaged (in their eyes) their babysitting.

Pandasnacks · 21/09/2024 20:38

@MumChp they don't eat meat either. Your way is not as simple as you make out. Vegan gluten free bread isn't particularly cheap either.

MumChp · 21/09/2024 20:32

crowandpigeon · 21/09/2024 20:19

Which they can’t eat..?

Show quote history

Glutenfree pasta.
Glutenfree bread for sandwiches.

MumChp · 21/09/2024 20:31

Member346563 · 21/09/2024 20:08

I think I didn’t make myself clear. I have no problem sorting out coffee and cake at short notice, it’s the hints that we could make them a meal at short notice and with many allergies/intolerances to consider and then, often, deciding in the morning not to come.

Rice, vegetables and meat.

Soup & bread. You can have a packet of gluten/milk free bread on a shelf. It lasts forever.

Fruit for dessert.

Find a 'to go' meal working for you and serve it.
I can't eat gluten/milk and honest don't fuzz. Just keep it simple.

MindatWork · 21/09/2024 20:29

Reading between the lines OP I’m assuming the only reason your DH told them not to come for lunch is because you weren’t there to cook it - if you hadn’t already had plans you would have been expected to cater for everyone because he’s incapable/can’t be bothered?

If that’s the case you have a DH problem and need to tell him in future that he needs to cater for his daughter and family.

How long have you and DH been together? You really don’t sound like you like her very much at all.

Original poster
Member346563 · 21/09/2024 20:27

RedToothBrush · 21/09/2024 20:06

You want to stop your husband from seeing his daughter and grandchildren because its difficult for him to cater for them because of dietary requirements? Especially when you are whinging about the dietary requirements of THREE of the adults to try and inflate the size of the issue - either you or your DH must be one of the three!

Yeah you are completely unreasonable.

You sound jealous of the daughter.

There's not a big age gap between you and your DH is there?

You couldn’t be more wrong. Sounds like I’ve touched a nerve!

OP posts:
Choochoo21 · 21/09/2024 20:26

I hate being put on at short notice but these are your DHs kids and he obviously knows them a lot better than you do.

So I can’t see why he can’t get some bits in for them to eat and prepare it all.

He can pop out and buy them the things that he knows they like/can eat.

Pandasnacks · 21/09/2024 20:24

PullTheBricksDown · 21/09/2024 20:22

'OK, let's go out for lunch!' is surely the answer? Restaurants are used to catering for people's dietary requirements.

Depends if they can afford to eat out though, 2 adults and 4 kids is expensive.

PullTheBricksDown · 21/09/2024 20:22

'OK, let's go out for lunch!' is surely the answer? Restaurants are used to catering for people's dietary requirements.

crowandpigeon · 21/09/2024 20:19

Jk987 · 21/09/2024 20:14

It's not about the food it's about the company. Your husband can do pasta and sauce or eggs or sandwiches, it doesn't matter what the food is.

Which they can’t eat..?

Notonthestairs · 21/09/2024 20:18

I wouldn't appreciate anyone^^ inviting themselves over for a meal.

If I'm cooking (and I love cooking) I do the inviting.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/09/2024 20:17

Can't you just let your husband sort everything?

Pandasnacks · 21/09/2024 20:16

Jk987 · 21/09/2024 20:14

It's not about the food it's about the company. Your husband can do pasta and sauce or eggs or sandwiches, it doesn't matter what the food is.

What would be the point in him making food they can't eat?

Pandasnacks · 21/09/2024 20:15

Member346563 · 21/09/2024 20:08

I think I didn’t make myself clear. I have no problem sorting out coffee and cake at short notice, it’s the hints that we could make them a meal at short notice and with many allergies/intolerances to consider and then, often, deciding in the morning not to come.

How often does it even happen though? You said you see them once every 2 weeks and you normally go to them because it's easier. Also if you want them to prep the food for you when babysitting just ask them. My MIL would be insulted if I pre made the kids food and insinuated she couldn't do it, they've got 4 kids and are not mind readers. I think you should just step away from it all if you feel this way, leave your DH to sort his daughter out, I don't think she's being unreasonable, I think you just don't enjoy being a step grandparent which is absolutely fair enough.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2024 20:14

You keep going on about "we." Tell your husband there is no "we", it's ALL HIM. Make it clear that every time his kids come to visit, hosting is his responsibility.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2024 20:14

You keep going on about "we." Tell your husband there is no "we", it's ALL HIM. Make it clear that every time his kids come to visit, hosting is his responsibility.

Jk987 · 21/09/2024 20:14

It's not about the food it's about the company. Your husband can do pasta and sauce or eggs or sandwiches, it doesn't matter what the food is.

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