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Original poster

To be really struggling with being ghosted by friend of 20 years?

68 replies

FirecrackerK · 21/09/2024 13:00

I've had a friend (male) since I was a teenager, always platonic. He's always been like family to me, which was maybe reinforced by being an only child myself.

Anyway we were always each other's confidantes, had lots in common etc. In our 20s both happened to live in Italy at the same time, so had annual holidays with mutual friends and partners.

But in the last two years he became flaky and didn't reciprocate the visits I paid him even though we had a good time when together. He contacted me twice after that, then the next times I reached out in January/Feb it was crickets although he read the messages.

It seems obvious now that I've been ghosted and I'm secretly heartbroken. I feel I can't talk to my partner as I worry he'll get the wrong idea about why I'm so upset. Anyone been through this?

OP posts:
Handyweatherstation · 21/09/2024 13:53

Sparklesandbeer · 21/09/2024 13:45

That's what abusers do...

Show quote history

Yes, I see them both in a very different way now.

somethinggotmestarted · 21/09/2024 13:52

I wouldn't be surprised if he secretly held a torch for you, has now met someone really, really special and it's made him feel differently about you.

No question men and women can be friends, but there are also a lot of male/female friendships that are rooted in an attraction. I was blindsided by this after 15 years of friendship, so speaking from experience.

Either way, it's a shitty thing to do and I hope you feel better about it soon.

Bunnyhair · 21/09/2024 13:48

I dunno - it seems a bit soon to assume you’ve been ghosted. Friendships have ebbs and flows. Sometimes we have a lot going on and don’t keep in touch as well with people. If this is someone who’s like family to you, I’d assume that the friendship is still there, but it’s going to go through some fallow periods.

I also think that, as they get older, men generally don’t tend to put as much into friendships as women do - particularly when the friendships in question require a bit more planning and thought. It could just be the company I keep, but most of the men I know tend spend most of their time with friends from work or hobbies where there’s a built-in context for social contact that they don’t have to think too hard about.

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 21/09/2024 13:45

MimiGC · 21/09/2024 13:38

I was ghosted by my male best friend of nearly 30 years (he's gay, so no female partner to influence matters). I told him I'd got a diagnosis of a potentially serious medical condition and literally never heard from again. It's been about 4 years now and I'm still sad about sometimes, but also angry. If it had been the other way around, I would never have abandoned him like that.

Yep same here. Would never have just cut him off. I'm sorry for you too

I think recently some big milestones have come up in my life I thought he'd be around for and it's really hit home that he's gone and I can't share news with him. It's like the person has died (for you) but you know they're still living.

OP posts:
Sparklesandbeer · 21/09/2024 13:45

Handyweatherstation · 21/09/2024 13:36

I know a man whose new partner strongly encouraged, even insisted, he end friendships with women and he dropped them like hot coals. They also went through all his other friendships to decide who were 'keepers' or not. It seems harsh to me but people do strange things.

That's what abusers do...

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 21/09/2024 13:43

crowandpigeon · 21/09/2024 13:36

Have you asked him why?

No I haven't.

I just feel like I'm not willing to put myself out there another time when it feels one sided now. In the last years I did most of the visiting so maybe the writing was on the wall.

OP posts:
MimiGC · 21/09/2024 13:38

I was ghosted by my male best friend of nearly 30 years (he's gay, so no female partner to influence matters). I told him I'd got a diagnosis of a potentially serious medical condition and literally never heard from again. It's been about 4 years now and I'm still sad about sometimes, but also angry. If it had been the other way around, I would never have abandoned him like that.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/09/2024 13:37

Being ghosted sucks, much more so after decades of friendship. But I would guess the friendship is problematic for his girlfriends, and maybe he got tired of reassuring them.

crowandpigeon · 21/09/2024 13:36

Have you asked him why?

Handyweatherstation · 21/09/2024 13:36

I know a man whose new partner strongly encouraged, even insisted, he end friendships with women and he dropped them like hot coals. They also went through all his other friendships to decide who were 'keepers' or not. It seems harsh to me but people do strange things.

poppyzbrite4 · 21/09/2024 13:35

What I've learned is that friendships are transitory; it's rare they last a lifetime. There could be any reason for his unresponsiveness including meeting someone who doesn't want him to have another important woman in his life.

I would accept his decision and leave the door open. They might split up and he may get back in touch.

Namenamchange · 21/09/2024 13:33

Yea it’s heartbreaking, give yourself time and grieve for the friendships, and then try to move on. It’s hard though

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 21/09/2024 13:28

Thank you @EineReiseDurchDieZeit 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
FirecrackerK · 21/09/2024 13:28

I met a woman he was seeing briefly when we last met. But then I heard from him months after that.

I don't know. I just don't know see him dropping me because a woman told me to. I could be wrong.

I feel like I need therapy or something! Seems ridiculous.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 21/09/2024 13:19

I have nothing helpful to add except to say I know EXACTLY where you are coming from and it's absolutely shit Flowers

sunsetsandboardwalks · 21/09/2024 13:16

I suspect he has a partner who's given him an ultimatum.

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 21/09/2024 13:13

@kitteninabasket thing is he's been through a few girlfriends including his long term partner of ten years who he broke up with two years ago. She accepted our friendship though I suspect wasn't crazy about it.

I'd be surprised he'd let a woman be the reason the friendship ended now. But maybe it is.

Or he just doesn't the friendship anymore but after 20 years I don't think it should be thrown away so easily

OP posts:
kitteninabasket · 21/09/2024 13:10

Yes, I've been through it. He's probably met someone and she doesn't like him seeing you.