To be really struggling with being ghosted by friend of 20 years?

I think you've been brave to send the message. It's not easy to put yourself out there but if he genuinely has been swamped by life or mental health stuff or whetever then you have opened the door for him, and if he does want to end the friendship then at least you'll know.

That’s wasn’t assertiveness, it was rudeness and snark that isn’t going to achieve anything.

@FirecrackerK good luck!

I sent a similar message to a friend who ghosted me. She didn't respond. Tbh, it did at least make it clear that she doesn't want to be in touch with me - if it had been a case of coasting along just not making contact, she would have responded. But I got nothing back, and in a way, that was closure for me. Of course, if she does decide to reach out in future, the offer is there for her to do so. But I guess that's unlikely to happen. I feel sad that the ending of our friendship didn't warrant any kind of acknowledgement from her, and unless she gets back in touch one day, I guess I'll always wonder what the hell happened. But at least it's clear now that she's ghosted. I hope you get some kind of clarity, too.

Your lack of assertiveness doesn’t mean others are snarky.

@FirecrackerK

I see your rationale

As long as it brings you peace of mind

@FirecrackerK I’m generally in the camp if ‘they will contact you’, but spurred on by this thread I did send my own missing friend a short message to ask if he was ok. No reply. I think it’s worth trying once and after that, let it go. Don’t send a snarky message like @GuPuddingRamekinHoarder suggested.

I think you're doing the right thing OP- this is less about him and more about what you feel you should do and how it reflects on your values/the kind of person you are.

I would do it. If he doesnt reply then you have your answer but at least you know you did everything you could and the end of the friendship is on him. There is much peace to be found when our actions align with our values.

Definitely message him. The not knowing would drive me insane. You just need to be honest and put your feelings on the table, ask for his honesty in return. This is a long term friendship, you should feel comfortable being open with him. Good luck.

I would very kindly say don't do it, I know it's eating at you but it's not in your interests

Closure is a cliché but it helps. I’d message him and say something ‘I take it by your radio silence that we’re not seeing each other anytime soon?’

Unless you're willing to put yourself out there and ask then you're not going to know. You've not really got anything to lose by asking him.

I've had a group of friends for 20 years and there have been times over the years where it goes from lots of contact to not much. One of my closest friends hadn't been in contact for a long time. I kept in touch letting them know I was here. Out of the blue they sent a message about some pretty bad things that had happened to them and how they were worried about ruining friendships so just kept themselves away. That was a couple years ago now and the friendship is wonderful again. You really just don't ever know what's happening in a person's head.

Also, and this might not be the problem.at all but sometimes in male female relationships, a person can realise they have feelings for the other and think it's best to keep a distance. This of course may not be the issue and I am a big believer that men and women can be great friends but sometimes it can be more complicated than same sex friendships.

I go through peaks and troughs of keeping in touch with people depending on what else is happening on my life (I’ve often got a lot going on with work, family issues, etc), and I don’t see this as my picking people up and putting them down again so much as fluctuations in my capacity and availability

We arent talking about people just being busy though, literally everyone I know is busy (do you know anyone who isnt?) and we all understand that and noone expects immediate replies.

We are talking about not replying to someone you supposedly care about for months and months whilst they have reached out to you to check on you. To them, it appears like you are deliberately ignoring them. I dont care how busy someone is, they can find 30 seconds in the space of a few months to text back, even if it's just to say sorry I'm just crazy busy right now.

I'd be really hurt too. To be honest the older I get the less I want to be attached to people, they can easily let you down.

It has to be relating to a woman. It's unlikely he'd suddenly just 'go off' you. I strongly suspect his new gf said close female friendships were a deal breaker. This has happened to me before.
My best friend of 20 yrs hadn't responded to me now for over a year. She's female and I simply have no clue why. It is really hurtful.
But in your case I think you have your reason. Sad as it may seem. He may come back if they split. Whether you'll welcome him with open arms is another matter!

I can only speak for me, but it would depend on the reason. I 100% dont blame his wife, it was his choice not to get in contact and if it did make her uncomfortable then the least he could done was explain that to me. I would still have been sad about it but at least I wouldnt have wondered for years and years what had happened or if he was upset with me (even though I knew I hadn't done anything wrong- but things like this make you irrationally ruminate).

I agree with you- I wont be put on the shelf and taken back down again when it suits people. Thats not a decent way to treat others. All it would have taken was one simple text to tell me he wanted space and I would have respected that with no arguing. If you cant even take 30 seconds of time to text one of your closest life long friends that isnt very caring is it?!

Is there any chance though that it’s just one of those seasons of life things? I go through peaks and troughs of keeping in touch with people depending on what else is happening on my life (I’ve often got a lot going on with work, family issues, etc), and I don’t see this as my picking people up and putting them down again so much as fluctuations in my capacity and availability.

And it’s fine if this doesn’t work for you in a friendship, but I wonder if it would feel less hurtful to consider that it might not be about how much you matter to him, so much as what else he might have on his plate, and what his capacity is more generally for being proactive about keeping in touch and organising things.

Yes, its happened to me too.

Male friend since school- we were like brother and sister. Couldnt have been closer. Friends for 25 years. Never any attraction whatsoever - we were literally as close as siblings. Then, when he met his wife he started fading me. I still dont get it as he'd had serious girlfriends before and I had had serious boyfriends and our friendship hadn't wavered at all during those times.

Literally the day after the wedding he started getting flakier and flakier and more and more distant. It was actually rather bizarre. I haven't spoken to him now in about 5 years. I did try to reach out but he just stopped replying.

My gut tells me his wife did not like him having friendships with other women as she always acted quite odd around me and I did try hard to make friends with her too (and to include her in things etc) but she wasnt having any of it.

Last I heard from our mutual group of friends was that he seemed very unhappy. I felt so sad but there is nothing I can do if he wont reply to me and I'm afraid I am not willing to constantly reach out to someone who ignores me. I am not chasing any one.

I'm still a bit sad about it even now- you cant easily replace friends you've known for that length of time and the thing that annoys me the most is that never in a million years did I ever fancy him (still dont!) so if it was due to his wife, it was a completely pointless thing to do because nothing was ever going to happen anyway!

My guess would be that he was in the honeymoon/infatuation phase with her so didn't have a lot of time for any of his friends, and then the point he got back in touch was probably the point she asked/told him not to be friends with you anymore.