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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect other women not to hold door to ladies changing area open?

217 replies

swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 12:40

I take my DD(3) to a toddler swim class on a Saturday morning. It's usually a mixture of mums and dads in the pool, separate changing areas obviously. However the changing areas open directly into the corridor where other parents (the non swimming parent) tend to congregate and wait. DD's class is mostly dads with just me and one other mum, so just me and her in the changing area after the class today. I'd already removed my costume under my towel and was drying myself off, obviously naked under a towel, chatting to DD. Next thing, the other mum opens the door (her costume still on) to have a conversation with her male partner who was waiting in the corridor whilst I'm standing feet away under my towel naked. I wasn't directly in his line of vision of had she opened the door any wider, I would have been (hard to explain without a picture of the set up). It was only a matter of a minute or so, she was from what I could gather trying to get her toddler to go with dad so she could change by herself.

AIBU to have been annoyed about this? Surely if you want to have a conversation with your partner and you're in a ladies changing area, with another woman who you can see is mid getting changed, go out into the corridor instead?? It just felt like an invasion of my privacy, I'd never have opened the door to casually chat to my DH outside the door of a changing area if another woman was changing.

OP posts:
swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 16:22

Once again, for the avoidance of doubt. I am fully capable of asserting myself. I am posting to ask if I am right to FEEL^^ the way I did in this situation; NOT to ask what I should have said or done.

OP posts:
Shinydoor · 21/09/2024 16:22

What do you want from this thread?

Validation that you’re annoyed?

to have a go at anyone that disagrees?

swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 16:21

@Natty13
Jesus Christ yourself. Read all my comments before you go down the "just use your words" route. That's not why I posted.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 21/09/2024 16:20

Jesus Christ this website is choc full of adult women who can't, or refuse to, communicate. We are all guilty of doing things without necessarily thinking all the time, just say "excuse me can you shut the door please?"

damebarbaracartlandsbiggestfan · 21/09/2024 16:19

It would irritate me OP. The woman got wrapped up in what she was doing and lost sight of having any consideration for others.

swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 16:16

@CellophaneFlower

Exposed to mean, 'in a vulnerable position or situation'. I am not going to reveal the deeply personal reasons why I feel vulnerable with only a towel over my naked body in a public space near men. But nonetheless I do. And opening that door to have a chat with a man was a thoughtless and inappropriate action when a woman is undressing in the same space, in my opinion.

OP posts:
theresabluebirdinmyheart · 21/09/2024 16:14

This thread is fucking mental. Of course YANBU OP, the other woman was thoughtless and inconsiderate. It’s a changing room where women change and strip naked , you do not hold the door open and let men gawp in.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/09/2024 16:09

ThirstyThursday · 21/09/2024 15:38

@Stath

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

you can calm down too.

it was a minute or two. So short she couldn't even be bothered to ask the woman to close the door.

she had a towel wrapped around her, she wasn't naked. He couldn't see her anyway.

so yes, she does need to calm down.

Its a women's changing room not a random space for all gawpers and passers by. Its irrelevent that the OP had her towel on at that point - she is in a state of undress and its a space where women should not need to hide under a towel. Its an intimate space for women.

In women's changing rooms we have the right to expect not to share space with men or older boys whose mothers can't bear to be parted from them. We should be able to expect that space will not be left open to men passing by or gossiping at the door.

In the OPs situation I would (and have) loudly reminded the door idiot that its a women's changing room and to please shut the door or talk outside.

No amount of cool girl or handmaiden comments change that fact, however hard you try to shift women's boundaries around intimate spaces they remain intimate spaces and we should support them not undermine them.

CellophaneFlower · 21/09/2024 16:04

swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 16:03

@CellophaneFlower many women have validated how I felt, which was vulnerable and exposed. So that's what I've taken from this thread - validation that other women would have felt similar. The entire reason I started the thread essentially.

Exposed to what though? His voice? As he couldn't see you.

Stressybetty · 21/09/2024 16:03

Should have taken her less than a minute to shoo the child out to it's dad. But she should have apologised as well and held the door in a way where it was just a small gap that her body was shielding. I'd have been annoyed as well, towels can slip down easily when changing and you feel vulnerable.

swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 16:03

@CellophaneFlower many women have validated how I felt, which was vulnerable and exposed. So that's what I've taken from this thread - validation that other women would have felt similar. The entire reason I started the thread essentially.

OP posts:
swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 16:01

Prinnny · 21/09/2024 16:00

So he didn’t actually see you but might have done if she opened the door further? Surely men have seen you in a towel before at the pool or on holiday?

Yes but usually when I have my swim suit underneath. Not only in a towel whilst changing.

OP posts:
Prinnny · 21/09/2024 16:00

So he didn’t actually see you but might have done if she opened the door further? Surely men have seen you in a towel before at the pool or on holiday?

CellophaneFlower · 21/09/2024 16:00

swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 13:41

For the second time. IF she had kept it open any longer I'd have definitely said "can you please close the door". That prompt wasn't necessary because she closed it before I reached that point, like I said it was 1-2 minutes maybe. However, I didn't post here to ask how I could have dealt with this. I posted to ask if I am being unreasonable to find her behaviour rude and inappropriate.

Yet every time somebody says you're unreasonable, you berate them and tell them you're not.

I never understand what people get from starting threads like this, unless they enjoy the drama.

He wasn't in your eyeline. She probably knew this and held the door accordingly. If not, she's inconsiderate and you should have told her so. End of. No drama.

swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 15:56

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/09/2024 14:39

OP, she was well out of order, I don’t blame you for being annoyed.

Having said that, I’m just waiting for someone to all too predictably pile in with ‘In X,Y,Z, European countries, nobody gives a toss about nudity, Brits are so uptight and prudish…’ etc. etc.

So before they do, I will just say that I don’t give a monkey’s what they do anywhere else - I like my privacy while getting changed.

So do I, but seems many aren't bothered. Eye opening for sure 😂

OP posts:
swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 15:54

The OP just doesn't like her, as she admits

Yeah, this is bollocks isn't it. I did not say I just didn't like her. I said I've previously found her to be rude.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 21/09/2024 15:44

She just wouldn’t have thought about a random woman in the changing room. You weren’t actually naked and no one actually saw you. If you dropped the towel and a corridor full of Dads saw you completely starkers I could understand the post. But in this instance I think I would have thought ‘that was close, they could have got an eyeful’. But here’s the thing. THEY DIDN’T.

CJsGoldfish · 21/09/2024 15:41

The towel could slip off at any moment and will gape at different angles, with no 'security' of underwear
Would you happily walk down a busy highstreet with only a towel aroundyourself?*
Nah, probably not but how is that relevant? No one other than the woman in the changing room saw OP in her towel. The woman opened the door enough to talk but ensuring her partner couldn't see anyone IN the changing room. The OP just doesn't like her, as she admits 🤷‍♀️

She was fucking rude and inconsiderate, end of. End of? So you weren't really asking, you just wanted to moan about someone you don't like NOT exposing you in the change room? 🙄
I'm asking whether my annoyance is valid You're not really, see above 😂

I mean, the woman isn't British, if that's relevant? So maybe it is a cultural norm where she's from To not expose you?

She briefly spoke to her husband without you being in the line of sight. You were not exposed. Had she thrown the door wide open without any thought to you being there it would be a whole different scenario. But she didn't. You and your towel remained safely out of sight. Complete non issue

Moveoverdarlin · 21/09/2024 15:41

MamOfGirls2 · 21/09/2024 12:49

I would have said. Close the door please I'm naked.

Except she wasn’t. She had a towel wrapped round her.

supersop60 · 21/09/2024 15:40

Sethera · 21/09/2024 13:18

Mumsnet wouldn't exist if everyone thought like this. What's the point of a forum if not to discuss things of interest or concern that have arisen in your life?

This is true.
However, how hard is it to say "Can you close the door please?"

ThirstyThursday · 21/09/2024 15:38

Stath · 21/09/2024 13:58

How bloody dare you tell a woman who doesn’t want to be exposed when in a state of undress to ‘calm down’

People like you are such an asset to the patriarchy

@Stath

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

you can calm down too.

it was a minute or two. So short she couldn't even be bothered to ask the woman to close the door.

she had a towel wrapped around her, she wasn't naked. He couldn't see her anyway.

so yes, she does need to calm down.

ThinWomansBrain · 21/09/2024 15:31

don't waste time worrying & whinging about it - it's happened, it won;t change things.
If it happens again, have the gumption to say "we're changing, can you close the door please"

swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 15:30

FiveLoadsFourLiftsThreeMeals · 21/09/2024 15:17

You are not unreasonable to expect other women not to expose you mid getting changed to the men in the corridor.

The other woman was inconsiderate and self absorbed but obviously, as you know, not malicious. Next time speak up straightforwardly and tell her to close the door as you're not dressed.

I agree, she was self absorbed and inconsiderate. Next time I will speak up!

OP posts:
TofuTart · 21/09/2024 15:25

swimmingannoyance · 21/09/2024 13:12

I don't want another man to see me in a fucking towel, is that ok?? You don't know my history so do not tell me to calm down. You have no idea why this bothered me and made me feel vulnerable and exposed.

She was fucking rude and inconsiderate, end of. Anyone who thinks this is ok has very questionable social norms.

He didn't see you in a towel, though?
You were getting changed in a changing room and was naked under a towel, out in the open, not in a cubicle and near the door.
Anyone could open it at any time, surely?!
Also you say "if" she'd have held the door open further he'd have seen - but she hadn't.
So he didn't see anything.
Seems a bit of a non issue.
Say "can you shut the door please, I'm getting changed over here" in future

sunsetsandboardwalks · 21/09/2024 15:25

She shouldn't have opened the door while you were changing, but you should have just said something at the time if it bothered you.

Staying silent and then stewing on it for hours is just silly.

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