Take the plunge now or wait until secondary? Tearing my hair out and at loggerheads with DP

I honestly think primary state school will be fine as imo the problems with behaviour etc and classes being disrupted becomes more prominent in high school

State till 8 worked marvellously for us. DS then moved to a fantastic prep with grounds, swimming pool, specialist music and sports teachers, broad curriculum including outdoor time, drama, MFL, philosophy, DT etc. There was a huge difference between that and the state primary.

It is very common for children to go to state school at primary level - they learn social skills and how to mix and avoid hot-housing - and then private at secondary level - when specialism and good facilities become more important.

My GSs have done this - it has stood them in good stead. They are reaping the benefits of what their private secondaries have to offer, whilst also having the social awareness of their privilege and a broad approach to life.

When we started our older DS at his private primary (pre-prep) it was £18k per year. Was about the same as nursery so seemed like not much difference. But the fees went up a bit every year, more than inflation, and are now £25K per year. And that is before the VAT hit from January. Plus we hadn't factored in that the nursery was open 8am to 6pm all year round, but school doesn't match working hours, so we were paying for a mix of an after school nanny, after school clubs, holiday clubs, and extra school holiday babysitting. That's another £10K per year (though the nanny at least is both kids for the price of one).

My DC have an absolutely wonderful time at their amazing prep school but to be honest if we had our time over I would have done state primary then tutored (which you have to do anyway) to get into private high school. Instead, I'm seriously considering leaving a job I love to take one that pays better so we can afford the VAT increase and rising fees generally.

It might not be the right school for her at 8 or 16.

What happens if you split up- the fact that you haven't spoken all week doesn't bode well for long term as that isn't a healthy way of dealing with conflict.

I've seen a lot of children go through private and buying a property has been better for the children's life chances. I would save all prep fees towards a property and they paid private from 11 or 13

Well, what are your salaries?

Maybe compare the progress and attainment data as well as leaver destinations.

I think it kind of depends how long it took you to save the money so far and where it came from.

If the bulk of it was an inheritance or something and you can't maintain high levels of savings moving forward, it's right to be more cautious.

If it took you a year to save and you can easily save the same amount again very soon I'd not be worried.

It seems like the bigger flaw in your plan is assuming you'll have 2 adults working on the same/better salaries for all that time and similar other household costs, as there are plenty of things that could prevent that happening.

Alternative view ….. are there things she might learn from a state school that she might not in private. I’m think from a social perspective.

State school and keep saving for her future, uni, help with a house etc.

What does the private school offer that the state school doesn’t?

Smaller class sizes? That can be a double edged sword - more attention from the teacher but it can be harder to make friends.

More extracurricular activities? You can use the savings on nursery fees for out of school activities. Ditto if the private school offers languages.

What is he worried about?

That she will fall behind the kids at the private school? You can always use the £18k a year you are saving for tuition when she is older and preparing for entrance exams. You might want to point out that DC in countries who don’t start formal education until age 6/7 catch up to kids who start learning to read and write at 4 within a year.

You could give your DD a better rounded education with the money by sending her to the state school and using it for travel and extracurricular activities that you couldn’t afford if you sent her to the private school.

The only possible good reason for sending her now is that sometimes the 7/8+ and 11+ exams are more competitive than 4+ at the same school if it is a school where progression is guaranteed for pupils if they meet the minimum standard in the exam, whereas the exam is competitive for DC who are joining the school. However, it isn’t great for DC to be the bottom of the class in a highly academic school so would you really want that for her?

He’s automatically seeing being at two different schools as a bad thing. It isn’t. It will give her a broader outlook on life and make her able to fit in better with whoever she meets. It will also make her more adaptable. Change is part of life.

Send her to a state primary and save your money for secondary. If you need a compromise, then you could move her to private in Year 4 or 5.

Only bother for private secondary

I'm sure that parents with your level of income/savings probably live in nice middle class areas with nice state schools with good facilities and engaged parents.

Is your partner just anti-state schools, irrespective of how good they are?

I hope you are on the pill!! 😁

It’s a lot of money to save.

My 2 both went to our lovely village state school until they were year 4. At that point the local middle school was very unappealing. They have been at their excellent independent school since year 5. This was a good balance I feel. They got 2 years in the junior section making friends and getting up
to speed. They have both flourished. Year 7 is also a good entry point.
In my opinion if your Dd is bright and engaged then private education is not necessary until they are 10ish.

Is he wanting to avoid the stress of entrance exams? I have a bit of sympathy, but you can actually put a price on that. Add up the years of school fees you’ll be paying to avoid the 7+ or 11+ exams and let him see how much of a luxury this would be.

You need to communicate better. You can’t get away just stating what you want and coming to an impasse.

While that’s a reasonable thing to think of, it’s not even in the top five of what should be important considerations.

I’m with you - would absolutely go for what sounds like a nice state primary especially given that money is not unlimited.

For the record, I’m not a fan of private education anyway for all sorts of reasons, but on top of that think that private for primary is especially pointless, unless you have a dreadful set of primary options or need wraparound care. The vast majority of friends who have educated privately have done so for secondary only, when most children change schools. NEVER changing schools I’d also say is likely to be an actively negative thing.

Sounds like your DPs thinking is being driven by fear - negatives not positives. Fear of ‘state’, fear of change full stop? That’s not good. You need a different kind of conversation. And also a flat veto if he’s not adult enough to talk properly about it at all.

OP I also wouldn't use an all through school. They need a break point also there are lots of things that can change between now and then eg the Head.

I assume this school is financially secure? Fees have increased well above inflation for years. It would be better to put her in private for the more important secondary years.

Whilst you have a lot saved, when you factor in the actual costs and something that n your life changing then it won't mean you could keep her there.

I would do some research on all through schools, try and speak to parents already there etc. Do you know how many leave at 11 or 13?

What is the pre prep model of learning? It is unlikely to be the same as that offered by the state primary. Where we are, one of the boys pre preps start with proper lessons including basic coding, music etc in reception. They also prepare boys for the 7+/8+ exam (if they feel the child is ready) and for all this, the annual fees are around 30K so it would be disingenuous to say they are the same as any of the surrounding state schools. They will have information about their learning and teaching methods etc and what you’re paying for online and during an open day

he wants to be at the same school with no change.

You can't say definitely that what suits your dd at four will still suit her at eleven or sixteen. She might benefit from a change. Or the senior side might have changed by the time you get there (new Head, perhaps) and no longer be what you want.

Whatever you do now, I think you should keep your options open for secondary.

Why does he want her at the same school all the way through?

Most children change at some point, just due to the nature of the school system.