Take the plunge now or wait until secondary? Tearing my hair out and at loggerheads with DP

Send her to state schools.

@Smallroomtetris then they all get a good grammar school education.

(I doubt it!)

We have had DD in prep since reception and our next will go from age 2 so I understand your DH's point of view here. Neither is right or wrong. For us the reasons we were non negotiable on her school are:

• the standard of teaching is so much higher
• the school environment is much calmer and more nurturing than the perfectly fine state school
• the ethos of the other parents etc
• opportunities to learn a wide range of extra curriculars from reception - mandarin, playing the harp

I agree I wouldn't want to move a child, it's disruptive and their friends become very important to them from a young age. We aren't wealthy but we are both on the same page that for us nothing is more important than the school. We drive an old car and live in a comfortable but normal home but personally I feel like we are investing in our daughter's wellbeing and laying foundations for her.

Interestingly a friend of ours moved her DD from a local state after reception, and this bright and neurotypical child is having to have help to catch up with the girls who have been in the prep school since reception, given easier homework and tests etc. so I can imagine it would be quite a lot to catch up on if one were to start in year 3.

Beginning of Year 6 is a good entry point. Before that spend money on hobbies to see if she enjoys horses, dancing, drama , sport etc and start her on a musical instrument where she learns to read music, treble and bass clef if possible. Make sure she can swim well. Also track the learning from the school with extra lessons. You may find, as we did, that the kids who have progressed through the primary school have had lessons in several musical instruments to find a chosen instrument to continue through school. They may well also have started foreign languages which may mean your child may not be able to learn learn French if the school have been having lessons for several years. Also check with your school how many children tend to join at year 7. At our boarding and day school, the international kids might start at any time but the British day pupils tended to start from kindergarten, although a small amount did start at year 7.

Yeah that's fair , you do you, it was just a suggestion 😂 didn't mean to cause offence

So when you fill them with kids that have been coached up to the eyeballs rather than children with a natural ability but from challenging backgrounds then what?

(Cambridge educated, still don't care, there's more to life than policing something that evolves)

It's very hard having to take a happy settled child out of prep school and move to state, because (assuming the prep is selective), they are sliding back academically moving to state. I had kids who went to state primary until age 9 and 11 respectively, then moved to private. The younger one (gifted) really flourished, but 3 years later had to move back to state when her dad decided to stop paying his share of the fees (my older child also moved but was less affected). She moved for year 8 and in year 10 was repeating maths she'd already learnt in year 7. She knew she could have been advancing so much more, but the resources were just not there in a (good) state school.

In their entire school time, my kids were primarily state-educated. Which was fine, and they've both done well at uni. What was really hard was tasting the experience of all the additional resources of a private school, and then moving (back, in their case) to a state school. I would not start something I couldn't guarantee I could see through, again, for that reason.

In your situation I'd hold off till year 3 at least.

Do you plan on having any other children?

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A class size of 8 with age 4/7 sounds like a school at risk of closing!
I would hate for a class to be that small. Limited friendships and no way to get away from a kid they don’t like. Sod the astroturf! I’m sure you can use the £100k to pay for swimming lessons too.

In my opinion it’s a waste of money before year 4. It was out of my price range but thankfully I live in an area with outstanding schools and my children achieved top grades (and are lovely, kind, well adjusted kids) and it cost me zero. If I had the money then I certainly wouldn’t spend it before year 4 minimum.

I don't really care if it's annoying you, I'll keep on doing it when and if I see fit.

@Munneyworries But these sums aren't right. You've said you pay 1.2k for nursery and it's a struggle to save another 1k. Zapx has you adding 12k a year to your savings whereas your DP wants to use 10k a year from the savings. So you'd start secondary school with about 30k of savings which by then probably isn't even a year's worth of fees.

From what you've said of your finances, I think you could only make it work if you leave the 100k untouched and pay all school fees from income alone for primary at least.

Has your husband realised how much things have increased in price recently? He might be imagining that your income will stretch further than it will and not be considering the practicality of what committing to 14 years of fees looks like. If this is the plan then he needs to show how it will work.

I agree with your point of view about everyone should be allowed to go to Grammar School but as someone that just finished at a Grammar school maybe don't point out grammatical mistakes to people. Someone did that to me and its a little annoying - guess times have changed though and now even at Grammar schools we don't learn proper grammar (I got grade 9 in English but it could just be me) 😅. Also don't take this the wrong way its hard to convey stuff over messages - again I agree with your point

@Growlybear83 I hope she was replaced by someone more enlightened!

I can't say how shocked I was at the time. I should point out it was a few years ago, and the head is no longer there, but it wasn't THAT long ago and I can still remember the reaction I got from the headteachers I worked with when I told them what she had said.

Working class people send their children to private school too.
Grammars take children on ability, and luckily, reverse snobbery doesn't come into it.

(I just have higher standards, probably due to my grammar school education.)

Remember, if you did not to to a private school when you were 5, and at 20 you are at Oxford and at 30 you are a multi-zillionnaire, you still did not go to a private school when you were 5!

Eh, so what?

@Growlybear83 I'm not easily shocked but that's outrageous. She'll make those children feel awful if she talks like that.

Even if it was 20k per year, im going to assume you're saving into an ISA already. Even if its just a cash ISA (can find rates at 4.84% online). If you take your 100k, continue to fill up an ISA annually for the 7 years of primary school, you're looking at a pot of circa 300k which is ready for state school.

The purpose of the grammar system to promote social mobility and give bright children from the working classes a chance at a good education and career.

(I don't, language evolves)

Did you or your husband go to private school?
Ultimately it’s whether you can afford it. If you can’t afford it then unless he has a plan for a magic money tree it’s pointless discussing it really.

What I will say is that I went to private primary and secondary (I’m late 30s now, so a while ago!) and there were some distinct advantages to going to private primary. The children moving from private to private had a much easier transition and did better than those going from state to private.

Is £18k expensive in England? I'm in NI and my daughter goes to a nice girls prep school. It's part of a bigger girl's grammar school and 99% of the girls pass the transfer test and go to the "big school". The fees are £5k a year. I can't imagine paying £18k! We only sent her as it's practically within spitting distance of our house.

Why do state schools not do IGCSE?

Under Michael Gove's reforms, the GCSE became tougher, with coursework removed from many subjects. This led to the supposedly “easier” IGCSE – involving a mix of exams, coursework and practical assessments – being withdrawn from state schools. Private schools, however, were allowed to continue with them.15 Jan 2020