Take the plunge now or wait until secondary? Tearing my hair out and at loggerheads with DP

If you can save £20k a year; you can afford it

For now

If you have a second child, you may struggle

Eh? I can speak same day to my child’s primary teacher. 48 hours sounds a long time to wait.

From experience one of the big differences between private and state education is the relationship and dynamic that flows between parents and teachers.

In the state system we all know teachers are overstretched, classes are too big, the schools are underfunded. Even the best teachers don't have the time to speak to parents about issues they may have. Children who are able have to play a part in regulating other more unruly kids behaviors.

In the private system it's completely different. As paying customers parents are much more respected and listened to. You will likely have a clear line of communication with your child's teacher and at our prep can have a face to face within 48 hours if requested. It's a totally different dynamic.

Plus year groups are split into 14 per class, each class has a teacher and a TA. It's a totally different experience as a parent and a child to be honest. I'm of the opinion that if you have the money there's nothing more worthwhile to spend it on that your kids education.

Right OP honestly this comes down to your child and what they need.

I actually regret not doing private prep and just doing secondary private.

Also I do the school fees plan, I pay monthly, it's about 1800 per month paying it like that.

Have you the potential/plan to increase income significantly eg increase your salary etc. if not you really don't have enough. State 'til 8 is a common thing around people I know.

I would send them to state primary at this age. Although class sizes being smaller in a private are a benefit that seems appealing, only 8 children can be quite a funny number. I’ve taught this age and had a class of 8 children (that grew as the year continues) but in my experience doesn’t always allow for good friendships to develop as it’s such a small number, so if the children don’t click it can be more difficult than a larger class. I would start the state school. See how you feel during ks1 and give yourselves the option of moving at ks2 if you are not happy. If you are happy a move at secondary is usual and when children start new friendships anyway.
I certainly wouldn’t prioritise private education in these younger years over family holidays and memory making experiences. Those things will be much more important to your childs development when they are younger. You can spend money on extracurricular activities to get a more rounded education if needed.

This is a really tough one. It seems there are two issues here.
First – the advantages of a private school for primary over a state school. We had both of our children in a state primary before moving them to a private one in year 3. The reasons for that were difficult to quantify exactly, but broadly speaking it was because they were just coasting – our eldest was spending a lot of time helping less able children and our youngest was very much left to her own devices as she was academically doing fine and so didn't require much attention. The difference in both of them at the private school was unbelievable – they got so much more attention and teachers were able to focus much more on the individual needs of students which just doesn't happen in a class of 30 unfortunately. That's also worth saying that the state school they were at was an outstanding primary.
Second – and perhaps more important – it doesn't sound like you can afford private school. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh – but it sounds as though you'll be making huge multiple sacrifices to send your child there. I would really have a hard think about how affordable over 7 or 14 years this will be – so it might be that private for secondary school is your only option.

My son went to private at secondary level 50% boarding. He's 23 now when he comes home it's his primary friends he gets together with. The secondary level private school mates are scattered to the four winds.

He didn't forge friendships at university because covid lockdowns hit six months in so was sent home, not much better second year, third year was finals. So no lifetime bonds made

My two went to different secondaries. One to the catchment one with most of their year - in year 9 their friendship group only has one of their primary friends in it, and the scattering happened pretty quickly when they all started. One to a different school and they are happily making new friends in year 7.

Kids at 11 are different to kids at 5 and I think often their primary friendships are habit and situation. Secondary gives them a chance to make friends that suit them then. Some friendships last throughout but it’s really common for year 7 to be a new start.

Just a heads up, these school friendships rarely last once they leave school. I’m not in touch with any of the women from their primary school. The girls friendships have moved on and so have the adults.

"I also want friends to be made from the area too and that’s more likely in the state primary."

Just a heads up - when you get to the end of primary and the inevitable discussions crop up around which secondary school your child is going to, don't alienate all your state school mum friends by saying anything that implies you think the state schools they're all sending their children to aren't good enough for your child, even though you'll be thinking it. Make noises about 'picking the right school for each child'. 😂

To add, why send your child to private primary school if it means really watching the pennies to do so. Why use all your hard earned money for your DD to attend a private primary if it means not being able to take holidays, go on outings, do interesting things, always have the worry of knowing there is a need to save xx amount each month. Not being able to have a spontaneous lunch out at the weekend, because of the school fees savings pot.

Would your DD be really happier in a private primary but no holidays, outings, etc, living in a home where there’s an air of not being able to do things because of, you know, school fees.

I really value walking my 3 to school every morning and I love that they can go to the park immediately after school with all their friends. I love that they go to play dates in the village and that I have mums near me that I can call on when I’m in a bind.

As a secondary, I love that they mix with kids from different backgrounds.

would you be missing out on any of that? Even given the opportunity (and we cannot afford private for 3 if we stay in current home). I wouldn’t be sending kids this young- I feel like they’d be missing out on a lot of things that are really important to us as a family.

Make a list of pros and cons for both schools

So far you've mentioned...

• cost
• class size
• mixed age groups
• facilities
• friendliness

How about

• wraparound care if needed
• any extra curricular activities
• how class sizes change as you go up the school
• where you think your child will be happiest
• Commute

If going to private school means not being to go on holiday or do other nice things, then I’d definitely drop the idea. Chances are the majority of children in private school go on at least one holiday a year, weekend outings, etc.

Also, I’d be wary of a school that has a class size of eight, you’d wonder how sustainable is that ?

Both of ours went to the local primary, then went to a public school for secondary.

Well you'd have to ask my friend that but this is the story. The state secondary schools where she lives (and is in catchment for) are not good and quite a commute away despite living in a city, and her PIL offered to pay for private. They looked around 5 schools and chose two they most liked. The two they choose are not known to be hugely academic - one in particular has a rep for being very inclusive in fact - but they are so oversubscribed currently that they can simply pick the 20 or so children that do best in the entrance test.

When he didn't get in they then got a tutor thinking his state primary may not have done a good job of getting their child up to speed, but he didn't get in on the next intake either. Luckily he did get into their third choice.

The single sex high achieving school we looked at for dd to go to from year 7 said they only accepted ‘exceptional girls’ after year 7. As was, dd chose to go to state and changed in year 9 but not to the larger single sex school as she wanted somewhere, which felt like her old primary school and chose a smaller co-Ed.

Dd achieved high enough grades in her chosen subjects to change to the higher achieving school for A levels btw but chose to stick to her current school, which wants 6s rather than the high achieving one which stipulates 7s or and 8s depending on the subject plus a minimum of 6 in most other subjects.

I agree it’s perhaps more difficult to get into private schools at secondary age. However, it sounds as if there are a range of schools for op’s dd and it would be better to aim for the better fit rather than a highly academic one.

I thought dd would jump at the chance at going to the high achieving single sex school for year 7 as that would have been my choice. But it wasn’t for her. I have no doubt that my dd will attain very good A level results with her current school. High achieving schools aren’t always better and the best fit, especially when there is a choice and a parent is paying is the most important criteria.

Why would you pay to have your child in an unsuitable school?

Really?! But who are they to judge other people's finances!!

Bear in mind that it can be tough to get into private schools after age 8 academically, especially if your child is eg dyslexic, and the schools are oversubscribed. My friend's child didn't get a place at two of their chosen private schools aged 9, despite tutoring.

Save til year 3 at least. Honestly year 3 onwards.