To consider leaving my partner of 11 years because he cannot handle his drink?

Maybe he should stay with one of them after one of these nights out then.

He needs to know you mean it. He has crossed a line and something has to change.

Tell him to move out and live with family or friends. This doesn’t mean the end forever, but as much as it will hurt this is not a minor issue. If he goes to AA and shows progress, you can consider starting again. But he is an alcoholic and he needs to take it seriously and if he doesn’t your relationship is over.

The distance might also help you revalue everything else in your relationship and help you figure out what you really want.

To be clear, you wouldn’t be leaving him because he “can’t handle his drink”. You would be leaving because he’s consistently failing to be a responsible adult and have any self awareness where alcohol is concerned. If a person knows it affects them to that e tent they should be making choices to stop at one or two. Or to avoid altogether.

The urinating in the wrong place reminds me of someone I know who had addiction issues. It doesn’t sound like your DH does if it’s only 3-4 times a year but he obviously has no stop valve or conscious thought about how many to have. All he needs to do is tell himself in advance I’ll have X and then soft drinks only. How much is he drinking when that’s happening?

I guess you give him clear advice that if he doesn’t regulate his own drinking and similar happens in future then that’s it because he’s lacking respect for you in not changing his behaviour around alcohol. Or if you don’t want to hang around waiting for it to happen again, you can end the relationship.

Did he clean up after himself or did you?

I don't know why he bothers if it's a couple of times a year. How can he enjoy that and look forward to being a weirdo again in 3 months time. How bizarre

Kick him out for a week or two. Tell him he gets medical help or goes to AA or you're done.

What worked with DP was asking him to think about how he feels about having to take care of drunk mates after nights out and having to deal with them being sick, talking crap, etc. It’s one thing if it happens very occasionally but a pain in the arse if it happens every time you go anywhere. I told him I’d had enough of having to babysit a « drunk mate » almost every weekend and something seemed to click in his mind, he’s been better since. Obviously this only works if he has friends who drink more than he does and is willing to look objectively at his behaviour.

But when it keeps happening, "Sorry" just doesn't cut it anymore

Of course it doesnt - at this point it's just pointless empty words isnt it? if someone is genuinely sorry they wont keep doing something that causes you such massive distress. It's akin to me telling someone I love them and then punching them in the face. Its utterly meaningless.

It's utterly revolting to be urinating over furniture and frankly dangerous if he is injuring himself. This is very serious and it doesnt matter that it isnt happening all the time.

You seem very focused on the word "controlling" - you need to get rid of that. You give him a choice - either he stops drinking completely or you leave and bloody mean it. That isnt "controlling" him- he has a choice here. He can continue as he is which is harming you or he can stop.

The choice is his and its nothing to do with control, its about you enforcing a perfectly reasonable boundary that you wont allow him to harm you or distress you any more.

I've been with my husband 18 years, I love him to death, but if he pissed on my stuff I'd not just divorce him I'd kill him. I don't think this is trivial at all.

Isn't it odd how these men who get so drunk they piss everywhere always manage to mistake their wife's things for the toilet and not there own 🙄

He just can't drink, it's simple as that. And it's a very easy solution given it's only an occasional thing anyway. If he's not willing to do that when he knows he's been pissing on your stuff and calling you a cunt, then I'd be reevaluating how 'lovely' he is, because in the cold light of day he should be absolutely appalled and determined it won't happen again.

He is a danger to you and his kids. His family need to know that. Tell the more rational sympathetic of them and let them spread the word.

He needs to acknowledge it. He needs to know you will leave if he touches alcohol- not if he gets drunk, if he has a drink.

He is dangerous. You cannot know what he will do to himself, you or the kids in that state.

Scary and triggering-

A friend’s DH hung himself in a similar state. Exactly like your chap. No warning but the same behaviour with alcohol. Fortunately he survived. But can you imagine ytrauma for your family of finding that one morning? It’s even worse than you currently fear.

That's on him

He shouldn't be standing there letting you 'take the blame'

He needs to be adult enough to own his own behaviour

What's his reaction when he sobers up?

And I hope he can afford to replace all your makeup

He made/makes the choice to drink alcohol. If he genuinely didn't want to, he wouldn't, regardless of others encouragement.
So in that choice comes the behaviours you describe. Falling over, calling you a cunt and pissing on your belongings.
You have choices too.
I would not believe him when yet again he is sorry because he still chooses to drink (get drunk) every time the opportunity arises.
Choose carefully and wisely 🌺

DH got drunk on whisky once and his behaviour was so vile that the next day I told him if he ever drank it again we were done. He's never touched a drop since.

OP it's perfectly acceptable to leave a marriage over this. You don't need permission or approval from anyone and it's actually very healthy to have strong boundaries.

I wouldn't send anyone the video. Some people find stuff like that funny. If it's not your partner shouting aggressively and pissing on your stuff it doesn't hit the same way. Not in this country.

I took a long time to come to terms with the fact that I can not drink . Found it so hard to socialise without drinking when I was younger . But I was the one who ended up sick the next day sometimes unable to keep plans because of it. I was always sorry and ashamed afterwards but really unaware as no memory . I kept thinking I will be OK next time making excuses. My DH never expressed how it made him feel or told me how badly I behaved. I wish he had as I probably would have had a serious look at my drinking years ago .
Maybe he deserves this conversation too . Does he realise his family life is at stake ? Don't let him downplay what he has done or let his mates turn it into a funny story .

I would consider sending the video to your family so they will understand and stop pushing for him to have a drink in future.
But I would also expect him to be able to stand up for himself and refuse to drink if he knows how it affects him. And based on that, and the fact he urinated on your belongings, Im not sure I could continue the relationship

He needs to agree never to touch it again. My dh used to drink himself into a complete state, he was never nasty but he would fall into furniture etc and it was worrying with a child in the house. He’s been sober ten years now since before our second child was born, out of respect for us mainly, I think. I’d never have left him over it tbh but if he was aggressive with it I would have.

Had the same situation here, i gave an ultimatum and my partner did stop drinking. But i was fully prepared to follow through and separate if he hadnt.

Have you actually told him you are thinking of leaving him because of this? I mean telling him you are really considering it rather than saying "if you do this again, I might have to leave you". Make sure he knows that this time has meant you are seriously considering it as an option, not next time. Leave him with no doubt that he will lose you. I honestly think that giving him a real scare will be the only thing that will make him think properly about what he has done and that it's something that you cannot and will not forgive or forget. As other people have been saying, only he can really fix this. It's not just something to say, it is the absolute truth.

Where were your children when he was yelling at you and carrying on? It's a horrible life for them being on edge every time he drinks - I grew up with it.

@Username1233 how much did he drink?!?!

He called you the C word?!?!? This would be an absolute NO from me. I think I'd be giving him an ultimatum and telling him to choose between the alcohol or you and the kids as he can't have both and you're not putting up with it any more.

Make it very clear that another episode of him being in such a state and it's marriage over.

He's the one that needs to be explaining to family and friends exactly why he can't have a drink.