To choose to only have one child even though I'm an older mum?

I feel this OP. I had my DS 6 weeks before my 40th birthday and agonised about having another when he was around 2 (couldn’t have faced it before then!). But DH was adamant that he didn’t want another. The back story being that our journey to parenthood involved 6 years, 4 rounds of IVF, 3 miscarriages, 2 lots of surgery and £££. I also had a very scary post partum haemorrhage a week after DS was born which was traumatic for DH- he twice saw me collapse in a pool of blood.

So our DS will be an only and he doesn’t even have any first cousins, probably won’t. We are doing our best to ensure that he does lots of socialising and sees his uncles, grandparents and friends as much as possible. Ultimately, there are no guarantees in this life and as another pp has said, you make your own family. When it comes to having a second child, I do believe that if it isn’t two emphatic yeses, it’s a no.

I’m an adult who has felt very lonely without a sibling, and I have two children. I say YANBU, absolutely.

Kids are hard, really really hard! I often felt guilt at having had a second, because in the early years it made me such a worse mother to both than I could have been to one. If you feel like you’d struggle to cope with two, well there’s a good chance you’d struggle to cope with two.

You never know what will happen. You could be sprightly in to your 90s, he could be married with kids by 20 and you only 60, he could be sworn enemies with a sibling!

Your son will have probably his own family by the time you are older, partner, in laws etc plus any cousins/extended family that he can lean on for support. He will make his own family, friends and support network as an adult.

I agree with a PP you need to make a conscious decision through his childhood to support him to develop close friendships, lots of play dates, opportunity to take friends on holiday etc to help him not feel lonely. Having pets can help as well, not a replacement for a sibling obviously but don't underestimate the emotional benefits of having a dog/cat in the family home.

I have a brother and although we only live 10 mins away from each other, we rarely spend time together really. No drama, we've never fallen out or anything but he's far down the list of people I would contact if I needed support.

YANBU

it’s fine.
we know people who stopped at 1 because they wanted to / finances would be stretched / secondary infertility and didn’t want ivf etc

even among our friends who wanted 3 or 4 the reality is when they had the second the conversation stopped.
2 x working parents + 2 kids = more than enough time/effort/money

if you have your hands full with one it’s fine you don’t need to justify it or explain yourself to anyone

I'm 50 with an 11yo.

I decided not to have a second after the near death experience for both of us at his birth.

I'm looking at it this way... he'll inherit everything and won't have to share. Also from my child free sister. He'll be financially sorted as we have made plans for that.

He's a friendly kid whose friends mean a lot to him, he'll probably have people.

My Dad died when I was 30 and he was early 50s so there's no guarantee whatever.

I'm an adult social worker and much of the time siblings don't get on and leave all the work to one sibling. Nothing can be predicted.

So YANBU basically

A child doesn’t need siblings - being an only child is absolutely fine 🙌

So is having 10 kids - if that’s what people want 🙌 - but this is no guarantee of a support network - they may all scatter later in life even if they get on well and there’s no bitterness/arguments

Whether you stick with one or have more kids - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let them be their own person and give them plenty of emotional support so they can be confident later in life.

if you bring up an only child well with plenty of confidence and let them be their own person - by the time you’re gone they’ll have other great influences in their life - whatever these are - and will thrive 🙌

I think with onlyies its important build a support system and family around.
close cousins or family friends.

I have at least 5 people of my parents generation that i could call at any time of night for support and more than 10 of my own generation and i would say half are cousin and half are not blood relatives at all.

being your parents only child doesn't mean you have to grow up alone but it takes active and conscious decisions by your parent for you not to,

It means being personable and outgoing even if you're not. it means being the parent who does the playdates, take an active role in your child building lasting friends. it means taking a friend on holiday. doing summer holiday care etc.

There's no guarantees but one thing you can do is be close to wider family if you have them, and / or have good friends that would be there for your child. Unfortunately longevity isn't guaranteed, DDs friend doesn't know her dad (not on bc) and her mum died fairly suddenly when she was just 21, no grandparents alive ... she really is alone but their lovely manager is helping her with practical things like selling the house (mortgaged, in sufficient life assurance) and buying a flat she can afford outright, teaching her about insurance, utilities etc, the things your parents tell you about.

Well by the time your son is your age it’s likely he’ll have his own family, partner, friends etc so won’t be alone. The only people I know who see their siblings more than a couple of times a year are those who live close to each other, which is not that common really.
All the only children I know are perfectly well adjusted and fulfilled ie not lonely and don’t see their parents as a burden, it’s just the way it is.
Also DH is NC with his dad, so his brother is going to be the only one caring for their dad. So siblings is not always the way to split the care.

I'm 40 and I won't be on my own when I lose my parents (currently in their 70s). I have 2 lifelong best friends and my own DS and husband. You make your own family.

DH speaks to his sister about twice a year and she lives 200 miles away.

I’m your son 40+ years later. My parents were brilliant and threw everything into making my childhood full and happy but then my father died when I was still at primary school from unpredictable and tragic circs so then it was just mum and me. She was brilliant but I always longed for a sibling as our house was very quiet just the two of us and I’d seen dad die and worried she would too and then I’d be all alone in the world. That fear came true in my early twenties. First I had to nurse her alone as by that point her parents were dead too, then she was gone and I had nobody at all. No living relatives except some cousins in Australia. What I would have done to have a sibling who could remember our childhood, reminisce etc. I had three children to try and ensure they never feel as lonely as I did.

thats just my experience though. Lots of people will come on and tell you of happy onlys or stories of siblings who are useless. I read about useless siblings a lot on here n it don’t see many people in RL who have no relationship with their siblings.

I think having a child you don’t want for any reason would be crazy.

There’s no guarantees of anything in life. If you feel that sticking at one is best right now, do that.

We has DS when I was 35. We decided when I was 37 that one was best for us.

Honestly I don't know. I didn't want a second child, at all and am too old now. But now I worry all the time about leaving him alone (we're a small family). But really, I don't know anyone who relies on their family on a day to day or even emergency basis. I don't know anyone who sees their sibling more than a couple of times a year.

I think you have to go with what you want. But I don't think either way will feel like the easier decision.