To choose to only have one child even though I'm an older mum?

Im an only with rapidly ageing parents and totally get the worry. I desperately wanted a sibling growing up, however things were much better financially because I was an only. I was lucky to go to private school and my df and I (dm wouldn’t travel) went on some amazing holidays. growing up, I was very close to my cousins which in hindsight were decent sibling substitutes

i think it must be hard to close the door on having a 2nd child however it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to have one, especially at your age

your child will have lots of love and attention and will not have to fight with siblings for anything, including when you’re gone. Not having siblings absolutely does not have to mean they will be lonely. It does mean they will have more of your attention, time and support as they grow up which will be invaluable to them.

Totally hear you op. I had mine at 40 and she's coming up to 3. I love her so, so much but it is HARD. And yet I was looking at the baby videos yesterday and getting a bit misty and thinking, well maybe we could try...

But I'm 43 and I'm knackered. The thought of going through pregnancy, then the sleep deprivation, weaning and the whole thing again when we're through the worst with dd-head says a very firm no! And I know it's the right decision for all that you mention, including the increased risk of disabilities. I speak to my brother once a year and we don't even like each other very much.

But a little bit of me will always pine for what could have been.

In a nutshell -

an only child can thrive and have a great childhood - so can a kid who’s one of 10 + like our grandparents were 🤣

But PLEASE PLEASE let them be their own person - I can’t stress this enough!!

Charming! Good morning to you.

OPs entire post was about not really wanting another child but feeling overwhelmingly that having a sibling woild
make her first child’s life better and I was pointing out the absurdity of that thought process by presenting it in simple form.

have a lovely day and perhaps pop a sugar in your coffee.

Reasons in no particular order:

1. We had one healthy child, no guarantee that subsequent children would be given that I’d be at least 38.
2. Having DS made me anxious. I’m not sure how well my mental health would have coped with a second.
3. We had a good balance of having family time and time to ourselves.
4. For DH, the environment was a factor too.

Have to admit this is what always makes me a bit uncomfortable about the ‘should I have another baby so my DC1 isn’t an only’ discussion.

It took us several years to finally have a successful pregnancy and we now have DD to whom I gave birth at 41. In the ideal world I would have loved another child but in reality I recognise I don't have it in me anymore to go through the baby years again. Even though our DD is now 2y5m it is hard work as I don't have that energy level I used to have in my 30s.
I think you need to think of if YOU can actually do it again.

I think an only child - or indeed those who have siblings - need to focus first and foremost rather than building relationships with other people - my logic being -

if you have confidence you’ll eventually and naturally attract the right kind of people 🙌

I agree with this.

I'm an only child but I was never lonely. My parents took my friends and a similarly age cousin on trips with us when I was growing up. There were/are older people in my life I can rely on and I have a strong group of friends.

DD is an only too and we have several close family friends who are her "aunts and uncles" who love her and who she loves. We've been lucky that several friends have children of a similar age. DD is 5 and our friends kids range from 8 to newborn.

The only thing I do think about is the age difference. My parents were in their 20's when they had me whereas we were in our 30's. My FIL is in his 70's, fit and healthy and involved in DD's life so there's no reason to assume we couldn't be similarly involved grandparents if DD has children on the later side .

Just my opinion, I think longer term 1 child is more exhausting. Being a child’s only source of entertainment and companion at dinner and on holiday, always having to arrange play dates.
I think siblings on mn are constantly dismissed, in my life everyone I know is close to their sibling. Mine is fabulous and considering we became orphaned at 20 and 25, I know how important they can be.

You need to accept you can't predict the future. He may have wonderful or terrible siblings or he may have a great or terrible time as an only - or something in between.

I am an older parent to an only child and I don't feel too anxious. I get on well with one sibling and not well at all with another. I have good friends but could do with more living locally. I will try and bring up my child as sociable and confident so they can form their own networks in the future.

Try not to overthink the unknowable.

Having a sibling does not provide a guaranteed life long companion.

My sibling hasn't spoken to me for 6 years. He is likely to be very very difficult about the estate when my parents go.

I have one child and have done a lot that simply would not have been possible with more.

I am 35 and have decided to stick with one, my DD is 4 years old. She is so sociable, and I sometimes feel guilty but she is with other kids most days 8:30-4:30 and then when she is home I like I can focus my time on her (and work and chores!)
I think for me if I had two I would feel guilty that one or the other wasn't getting enough of 121 time! But that's me, damned if you do damned if you don't 😂
But in summary what makes me counteract the guilt is knowing I give her my everything, hope this helps.

I think you have to want a baby because it's SO hard. I'm pregnant now with my second, 75% of the driving force was a sibling for DC, but there was still that bit of me that wanted another baby. I wouldn't have done it otherwise as I could imagine PND setting in.

I think an only child is great potentially but not for the reasons people typically think -

the ‘spoilt’ only child stereotype is NONSENSE

I think an only child upbringing is potentially good not because of increased resources or attention - but the confidence they build from sometimes navigating difficult situations alone 🙌

btw - even kids from large families even might have to deal with difficult situations alone as well - this isn’t necessarily exclusive to only children

You say you’ve both been so lucky with your families so does that mean you both have siblings? So presumably your DS has aunts and uncles and maybe cousins? If that’s the case then strong bonds with wider family will give him the sense that he has lots of family members.

I am an only child but I have lots of aunts and uncles and cousins so I have never felt alone in the world without relatives.

Only a small percentage of my friends with siblings have relationships with them and enjoy time with parents and siblings as adults, so having siblings is no guarantee of ready made support and friendship.

Obviously when relationships with siblings work out it’s lovely but try not to compare the worst possible case of only child life with the best possible case of life with siblings. The reality could be a brilliant only child life with extended family connections and lots of friends and a wife and own children etc and siblings never even missed. Flipside could be a sibling with additional needs or a personality disorder or drug addiction who takes up all of parents energy and is the opposite of a supportive friend for life.

Basically, you just need to follow your heart about what you want right now rather than trying to engineer a particular outcome with a sibling.

Leaving aside the benefits of having siblings, your life matters too and you are V V NBU to not want to have a baby and toddler in your forties. I'm around the same age as you with a 7 and 3 year old and no I wouldn't change a thing but it's been tiring and I'm glad the toddler years are almost over forever. The thought of starting again is 😱

The worst thing you can do to any child imo is force friendships on them - whether they’re an only or one of a big brood

but yes - an only child can potentially thrive and deffo doesn’t need siblings - despite the latter often being a blessing - your only child, can no doubt be blessed in so many other ways in life !

My view is the only reason to have a child is because you want one

Not as a sibling for an existing child, not to be a carer to an elderly person, not because you want a boy or a girl.

Because I want a child is the only reason to have one. Anything else is (imo) unfair on everyone.

Younger siblings aren’t presents! You can’t have a child to make your first child’s life better when he’s older!

for a start, they may not get on, they may not be close, your new child may as an adult become ill or otherwise develop other difficulties that mean - gasp - your first child might have to care for them when you’re gone, rather than be supported by them!

ive got a lot of siblings (and i get on fairly well with them) but the people who stop me being alone in the world are my friends and my partner and my own children. Because I’m an adult and I have a life.

if you want another baby, have one - but don’t reproduce in the false belief you can engineer some kind of future for your original child, that doesn’t make sense at all.

Imagine being the second child and finding out that you weren’t really wanted but your mum thought your big brother deserved a companion in later life.